Rainbow child

I don’t feel older, nor special. I didn’t want to do anything yesterday, but I bought some KFC food and went to my aunt “to celebrate”. My aunt surprised me and bought me a cake and then she and Mihnea sang “Happy birthday” and it was kind of touching. It feels good to have such great people around you!

And today I went to spend the money I had received from my parents. I had in mind buying a new pair of Converse shoes and a bag for my laptop, but my plans suddenly changed. I still bought the bag, tough. Well… Jen’s eBook reader kind of changed my mind, to be honest. I met Jen and went to her place. We ate, drank a cup o tea [delicious!], ate cake and chocolate, talked about books and then it happened: she showed me her eBook reader. It was love at first… reading! I had seen it with other occasions as well, but only today I actually took a good look at it. Yeap, I definitely want one. I even talked to mum and she said “ok”. And I have the money… so, it’s settled. Well, it’s not actually… Cata said I’d better buy a PDA. What should I do??? And here comes the really dilemma: a classic eBook reader or a PDA? Help? :-S

Later edit [25.01.2006]: I thank all of you for your kind suggestions. After much tough and consideration [not!] I’ve decided that an eBook reader would be the best choice for now. Though I dream of a Sony reader  I’ll just have to settle for this one instead. And I can hardly wait to have it!!!! MINEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I totally like Jen

 Me!

 Awwwww

 :D

 I love my messy hair!

 Me and My Maria

 Ale and me

 Killing Maria with our kisses

 Ha ha ha

 Happy 3 friends

 Crazy people

 Maria likes this pic very much 

 Love you!

 Talking

This year didn’t feel like Christmas at all. It has been the first year when I spent the Christmas Eve in Baia Mare and not at my grandma’s, in Borlesti. It wasn’t magical at all; it was just another night. And as much as I hate snow, it was strange not having a white Christmas this year.

On Christmas Day we went to Borlesti and I saw my relatives. It was strange being there after more than 3 months and especially after I had kind of lost touch with the village and the people living there. But seeing almost all my family reunited under the same roof, looking my grandma’s sister, at my other uncles and aunts, at my cousins, I suddenly felt so warm inside. All these sweet memories came back to me. All the years spent at my grandma’s flashed through my mind in just a few seconds. I remembered all the stupid things I did, all the games I played, the times I went to the disco with my cousins, the delicious food my aunt used to give me, the time spent there with them. And I smiled. And I was happy to be there, by their side. In my mind I hugged them all and said a big Thank you! I promised myself that in the summer I would spend at least a week there; I need to get in touch with my roots, to rediscover my childhood.

I’ve been kind of down these last days from more or less obvious reasons, but now I’m “slowly waking from this light coma”. I’m rediscovering myself. I’m learning new things about me. I read some of my conversations with Alex. Even tough they are almost 4 years older, I still remember each and every occasion we talked, the way I felt, what I expected… I wanted to read them all, but I simply couldn’t. Too much pain, too many bitter memories, too much of a self I don’t know anymore. It wouldn’t have helped me. Alex still is a painful subject. I just hope I won’t see him again until I go back to Bucharest.

Speaking of which… now I really feel I belong there. I got an e-mail from Adina, my aunt. She says she and Mihnea miss me, and that every time the phone rings, Mihnea asks if it’s me who’s calling. She really surprised me, especially because we have become close only after I had moved there. I don’t know… I feel so good having them there and knowing that they really care.

And then there are those e-mails or comments or lines on YM which you get when you least expect and they feel your heart with warmth. And today I cried cause my heart was so full of happiness and because someone made me feel really special and that doesn’t happen very often.

Now I’m going to bed and I hope I’ll be able to finish Mort. Look, I’m smiling again Thank you!

Awwwww, Ale Ale and Raisa made this for me. This is my present for Saint Nicola’s Day. They are soooo sweet!!! I started crying when I saw it. I love you girls! And I miss you too!

Friday

I didn’t sleep at all Thursday to Friday night. I did some translations and argued with Cata. Then at 5 o’clock in the morning I went to the railroad station cause I had to pick up my friends from Cluj. I arrived there, froze to death on a bench, waited at the wrong line, got a call from My Maria, ran towards her, grabbed her in my arms, hugged her till almost suffocated her, kissed her over and over again, didn’t want to let her go, felt incredibly good.

I was then introduced to her friends and we went to my place. They - Maria, Mihai, Ioana [his girlfriend] and Floppy ate whatever they could find in the almost-empty fridge of mine and then went to sleep while I had a very nice conversation with Oni. I tried to sleep on the armchair for about 15 minutes and then moved in the bed where Maria was asleep. She took me in her arms and hold me so very tight and it felt damn good! My heart was beating so fast and I was so happy to have My Maria there with me! I was such a happy child!

Maria and me went out and met David, Dan, Meropi and Raul. We stayed in a nice café and I kind of dozed off with my head on David’s knees. God, was I tired! At about 7 we met the rest of the group and finally I got to know all those wonderful people Maria told me so much about. Of course there were debates as to where to go, but in the end we formed 2 separate groups and one went to the Byron concert and the other one to Sabina’s apartment.

We were 8 people who wanted to see the concert and we headed for Laptaria lui Enache. Paid the ticket, got in, drank a beer, slept on the floor with my head on David, suddenly got up and started dancing, enjoyed the concert, imagined myself meeting a guy as good-looking as Byron, danced again, had lots of fun and left. We went to a so-called apartment party, but the only fun was when we ate,  because we were really starving.

Misu and Andreea offered to show us the way home. It was a 20-minute walk, at 5 in the morning on a very cold December morning. The creepy part starts here: we took the shortest way home through the courtyard of a hospital. But it wasn’t just a hospital: it was the psychiatry hospital! And it was a long, long alley through the courtyard, margined by tall trees. That hospital is so very strange! It’s not formed out if a big building, but it has more than 20 small houses. And there was a 2-meter fence separating that alley from them. And each and every window had bars. I held hands with Oni and we held each other tight and we were just so scared! Nothing moved there… some room were lit, but there was no move. And that lack of movement, of live, made everything even more creepy and scary! I kept starring at that fence and all these stupid images came to my mind: how some of the madmen escape and came running to the fence and climb it and attack us… damn! That’s a place I never want to see!

Saturday

We slept until 12 o’clock and then Maria, Mihai and Ioana met the other and went to the Samael concert. Oni and I wanted to go to the Opera but there weren’t any tickets left. We went to Green Hours waited for Vic, David, Meropi and Raul to show up, drank a black beer and headed to The Jack to meet the others. It was a, hmmmm, boring night. We were all very tired and with no lust for partying and it was so much cigar smoke and only metal in the playlist… most of them slept on benches, others talked, but it wasn’t by far the happy-smiling atmosphere from Friday night. Finally, at 5 in the morning [again!!!] we got back to my place, they took their bags and went to the railroad station. I took a shower and slept…

Good parts:

• I saw My Maria!!!!! I missed her so, so much and it was so good to be with her again, even if for a short period. And when she held me while I was asleep I felt I didn’t need anything else.
• I met some very interesting and fun people
• Floppy looks incredibly cute in real life! Cute, handsome, smart, funny… he is definitely worth a 9 
• The more time I spend with Oni, the more I like her
• The Byron concert was great!
• All in all, I had a great time

Bad parts:

• Maria didn’t invite me to spend the New Year’s Day in Cluj with her and her friends. I know that last year she asked and I couldn’t go, but how could she ask Oni and not ask me? I know that probably she will invite me during the holiday, but not even to say a word now? Something broke inside of me at that moment…
• Mihai is the same old mean brother. How dare he tell me all those things about My Maria??? For crying out loud, for me she’s the best in this world, and I don’t give a damn about what you like/don’t like about her. So stop saying all those bad things and blaming her for everything that doesn’t turn out the way you want, or next time I might actually hit you!
• Oh, this is just so stupid, but it’s a thing that eats me inside. Each and every time she came to Bucharest before I moved here she showed me tons of pictures with her friends and with them together and now… we barely have 2 or 3 pictures together. And it hurts damn bad cause it’s about here. She’s not just a friend. She’s My Maria. And she made me cry. And she made me hurt. And I’m just so stupid for feeling this way, but, but… I can’t help it :-<

Currently:

• Feeling: sick
• Listening to: Beth Gibbons & Rustin Man
• Reading: Privind in soare - J. Barnes

What does a sick person do? Complain! And yes, I am sick, and yes, I will complain. I’m currently sitting in bed with my laptop in my lap, my nose running [like hell, I may add] and with a pile of used tissues all over the place and a Coldrex to keep me company. I kind of make a fuss when I’m feeling bad and I really don’t know why. It’s not like I need sympathy or something. Maybe I think that if I complain it will go away. Wrong!!! So, every muscle hurts, my head hurts, my throat is sore and I’m in a bad mood. This is about all about my current state. Oh, and cause of this, I didn’t go out with Jen although it was something planned. I don’t like myself when I have to tell someone I can’t make it. But she understood and we’ll meet another day.

Now let me update you with events which have taken place in my quiet common life. This weekend a book fair took place. In fact, it was the biggest book fair in Romania. And guess what? My aunt let me help her! This means that Saturday and Sunday I stood at my aunt’s stall and sold whatever her publishing house makes. And it was awesome! I simply loved being part of that fair! And working with customers was awesome! Of course there were some people so very annoying or plain stupid, but that’s not important. I am proud of myself and I think I did a very good job at this fair. Yeah, Customer Care is something I’d be very good at. Now I can hardly wait for the spring book fair to take place! Oh yes, it’s going to be so much fun!!!

Mike spent the night here. He had come to Bucharest because he had an interview for a scholarship offered by the Government and knowing how great a person he is, I’m almost sure he’ll receive it. But now he has to stay for a few more days here to take an English exam because he needs it for his applications at USA universities. Mike is such a smart boy! I’m positive he’ll be accepted at Harvard because he has BIG scores at his SATs and because he simply is incredibly smart! I am so proud to have him as a friend. And what a friend he is! He’s a friend for life. I know, I feel, I’m sure that no matter how great a distance is between us, how rarely we see each other, our friendship will never fade away. We’ve been friends for almost 7 years now and in the past 4 years we haven’t really seen each other, but I can say - hand on heart - that he is one of my best friends and that he will remain that way for me. He’s the brother I have never had.

It was so good spending this night with him. We talked about so many things and although I felt like hell, I laughed and laughed and laughed. We went to bed at about 4 and a half in the morning. What a night!

I know I’ve been neglecting school work recently, but I can’t find a good motivation to get down to work. I have books to read and learn, I have to study at German, I have to make essays, but neah, no motivation, no real desire to do that. I can only guess how panicked I will be in January when I’ll have to study my butt of for so many exams. But I kind of like stressful situations like this. I’m one masochistic person!

That’s about all for today. I’m sooo sleepy. Time for a nap! Hopefully this flu will have miraculous disappeared by the time I wake up

I love her!!!!!! I just love her! I don’t need anyone else as long as she’s mine! I loooooveeeee heeeeeer!!!! She’s the best friend anyone can ever have. And she’s mine! All mine! I LOVE YOU, MY MARIA!!!!!!

Today I’m being selfish. Very selfish. “Today I’m racing only for myself. Today I’ll catch my golden fish again.” Today it’s all about ME.

I ate an orange today. My first orange this autumn. I took it in my hand and just smelled it. It had that so very obvious bitter-sweet smell. I took a knife and cut it: one, two, three, four, five long cuts. Then I gently peeled it… A squirt of juice started to drip from it and I licked it. I did it with passion, with desire… not a single drop of my precious orange was wasted. Finally, there it stood, naked in front of me. But it had just a little more to wait. I gathered all the peels and rubbed my hands with them. I simply love the way my hands smell afterwards. Only then was I ready. I took the orange in my hand, tore a segment, smelled it and bit it. It was a wild, deep bite. Now the peels are spread all over my desk… the smell has invaded my room and the taste still persists in my mouth… it was my first orange this autumn and it was great!

On another, worldlier, topic I had such a nice day today. I went with Jen to Carturesti [lovely, lovely place!!!!] and drank a Sweet Orange tea. We talked about lots of things and not only book related topics as you might think. Some people are just so much fun to hang out with. Things like this always make my day.

Now some recommendations and then I’ll be off to bed. If you haven’t found out by now, BOOKAHOLICS  [www.bookaholics.jubjub.ro]is the perfect place for Romanian book lovers. It has been recently initiated, but we’ve already got a reading circle and a book ring going. So, take a look. The other blog is a personal one and belongs to K_t [www.theattentivedreamer.blogspot.com]. She’s a sensible woman, who talks about books, theatre plays, movies, friends. It’s a very nice well-written blog.

That’s about all. Night!

Ps. It seems that my “link to” button doesn’t work! Damn blog.com!

I saw him [see previous blog entry] again today, but only for an hour. I rested my head on his shoulder and hand in hand we wandered around the railway station. We then stood on the platform and waited for the train to enter the station. We hugged. I felt so protected, so hidden away from all my thoughts and desires. And he kissed my forehead and played with my hair. And I held him tight, not wanting to let him go. Yes, he’s the kind of friend I need right now: someone to count on, someone to share everything with, someone to always be by my side.

And that embrace… it was magic! He kept asking if I was going to be ok. And I said yes. I lied. I’m not ok. I miss the comfort that only a best friend can give you. I have the best best friend in the world and I wouldn’t change My Maria for anyone, but she’s far far away from me. And, no, I don’t need another girl best friend; I need a boy best friend. In this case I wouldn’t feel like replacing My Maria. And he is the prototype of that perfect friend. I need to find another “him” here. And fast.

I discovered what my problem really is: loneliness. I loath being alone and everything which is implied by that. I need to be surrounded by friends, by people I care for and who care about me. I hate to eat, go shopping, drink tea, eat chocolate, watch a movie by myself. This has got to stop, or I’ll go insane! I need to get out of the house, to meet new people, to find that new best friend.

After he let go of me and headed towards the train my whole body started to tremble. It already missed him. I don’t expect anyone to truly understand what I felt when I was in his arms. The way he soothed me, the way he touched my face, the firm grip of his hand, the patting of my hair, the crazy rush of my blood, the fast beats of my heart… and it wasn’t even a bit of sexuality in it! It was such a situation that if we had kissed it wouldn’t have meant more than a hug means. I’m not good at words; I can’t make you understand what those 10 minutes meant to me, nor how special he is to me now. I can only hope he will come again in December and stay for a few days. I have to see him again. I want him to hug me. I want him here!

I’ve known him for 4 years. We used to hang out during the breaks while in high school, but we were never what you’d call real friends. Then he moved to another city to attend university courses there and we lost touch. Somehow we started talking on YM a while ago. And since then I’ve discovered a side of him that I thought didn’t exist.

I always thought of him as a pragmatic, realist man; someone who never let himself get carried away by feelings or on the spot decisions. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He’s a caring and loving person. He is capable of true, pure feelings, something I’ll never be able to achieve.

He came to Bucharest today and we met. We went for a stroll through an empty park and took a seat on a cold bench. We started talking about whatever crossed our minds at that moment: school, common friends, university, life. And then, out of the sudden, he hugged me. It was one of the best hugs ever! It was warm and friendly; it was like reading a good book or enjoying a cup of hot tea or lingering in bed on a sunny Sunday morning… or like all of these together.

Then it was time we left. We still hold each other close as we walked down the street. It felt so good to feel him warmth. It felt so good to feel his arm resting on my shoulder. It felt right to have him by my side; to know that he really cares about me.

He gave me another big hug just as we were about to part. And he gently caressed my face. We held on to each other as we would never meet again… I needed that kind of affection from someone and I’m more than pleased that he understood my need and made me aware of the fact that he cares about me. And I held him tight and let him know that I, too, care about him. It was a perfect hug. He’s a great hugger!

I just hope I’ll be able to see him again tomorrow. I need another hug for him; I really, really do. I have some of the best friends in the world!