Rainbow child

Know what? I’m pissed off. Really pissed off. Today I found out that I cannot live with another person, to whom I’m not related in a way, in the same apartment. I simply can’t. Yes, I’m aware that everyone has problems with room/flat mates, but I can’t stand it anymore!!!

I’m a difficult person. I like to put things in a place and I expect them to be there when I need them. I have MY things. I have MY way of arranging them. I have MY ideas of how 2 people living in the same apartment should behave. And what’s more, MY things are only MY THINGS!

Some of my flat mate’s friends from Baia Mare are visiting her. They are 3 people, in a room smaller than mine. Oh, excuse me: they are 5 people, if we count her and her university colleague, which I don’t know why is staying here. Thus, 2 of them have to sleep in my room. Thus, I don’t have any privacy. I mean, her friends from BM are ok and all, but wtf did she invite so many if she knew she hadn’t so much space in her room?

Of course they made something to eat: French fries with fried meat. And they used MY oil without asking me [yeah, I want back that 1/2L of oil you used] and they fried the meat in MY frying pan for frying only potatoes!!!!!!!! Yeah, at least they washed the dishes. But when I wanted to make myself some spaghetti and entered the kitchen and saw all those pots and frying pans and stuff all over the place, I was on the point of strangulating someone!!! MY KITCHEN!!!! Did you use it? Fine! But don’t leave it that way!!! Clean it and leave it as you had initially found it!!! I feel like MY kitchen has been violated! MY KITCHEN!!!

Ok… I’ve got to keep calm… I’ve got to take a deep breath… moving on. When I entered the bathroom the small carpet we have on the floor was rolled up [why?!]. There was water in the bathtub and the toilet wasn’t sufficiently flushed. Come on!!!!! At least have a little decency!

I really think I’m paranoid and complicated. I can’t stand people messing around with MY things, touching them, using them. I love my apartment and I try to take care of it as best as I know and when things like this happen, I feel like killing someone! It’s MY house, do you understand???? MY HOUSE! I feel I’m acting like a total bitch right now, but I can’t help it. I want my place to be as it was. I don’t mind people coming to visit her, but stay the fuck away from my things and if you can’t help it, at least try and arrange them the way you had found them.

I’m so very curious to see if my flat mate will buy me oil, clean my frying pan, arrange the carpet in the bathroom and the things in the kitchen. Oh, I’m so very curious! Oh, and I don’t care if you told me to eat with you or if you told me to go out into town with you. I really, really don’t care!

Later edit: flush the bloody toilet!!!!!! And KNOCK before entering!!!!!!!!!!

He had spent 3 months in Italy and guess what he bought me? A bloody toy dog! I HATE DOGS! I’m a cat lover. I don’t even pat dogs, because I don’t like them. And now I have a toy dog. Oh, joy! And he didn’t even buy it from Italy, but from Vienna, where he had spent the last week before coming home. He really did think of me. He really does show affection. He really knows me. NOT!!!! And please don’t give the crap with “the gesture is all that counts”, cause it’s not like that, not in a one-year relationship. I’m not even disappointed; I don’t even know how I should feel. Anyway, I sent him a message, which said something like “keep in mind that I HATE dogs”, and he hasn’t replied yet. I don’t care if that’s mean, or bitchy. He has to know the truth, right?

*typically Cata

                        

My parents are driving me mad! We were supposed to go to Bucharest next Wednesday and they were supposed to be back in Baia Mare by Sunday. I thought I made myself understood when I told them that I don’t want them in Bucharest when university starts. I need them there to help me unpack and that’s all. But no, why should things turn out the way I planned? Mum told me today that she could take some days off only in October so we’ll go to Bucharest only on Saturday morning and they will be there when university starts. Damn! But she assured me that they wouldn’t come with me at the opening of the university year and they would leave me alone. I really don’t like it when my parents force themselves into my life. I hate the fact that they were present at the festivity that marked the end of high school days. I told them I don’t want to see them there. I know this might sound rude and maybe full of hatred, but it’s not. I’m simply an independent person and I feel that it’s better for me to be on my own even when it comes to “special occasions”. Knowing that my parents were there, at that festivity, made me feel uncomfortable. And they took pictures and all that stuff. God, I almost felt embarrassed, even tough every student had his/her parents there.

Getting back to the main problem. I really wanted to be on my own there, even if that meant I would have felt insecure, lonely, scared. Since kindergarten I’ve been on my own. My parents were too busy to look after me so I had to do that myself. They never helped me with schoolwork, they never took me to school they never really knew what was going on in my mind and heart. By the time my father got sick and had to retire it was too late to make up for the lost time. I was already in the 7^th grade and the fact that he wanted to be a good parent and help me with my homework only made me more aware that I don’t need their help, that I can manage doing everything by myself. Of course, financially I depend on my mum, but emotionally I’m ok without them.

Call me cold-hearted, spoiled brat, whatever you want, but I really don’t need them “by my side”. I’m a big girl now.

Revolted? Ah, you have no idea how much!

Facts: I know them for 4 years, we’ve been friends for more than 3 years. We went to the seaside together, to 2 editions of FanFest, to many trips around Baia Mare. During holidays we used to go out together each and everyday and during school we went out at the weekends.

More facts: I always thought we had a special relationship. I was so damn proud of “my boys”, I used to have so much fun with them. We went to each other’s houses when our parents weren’t there, we celebrated every birthday together, oh man, we were one hell of a group.

Even more facts: It seems that my good friends don’t give shit about me. They planned a trip and they didn’t even bother telling me about it. I accidentally found out from Radu and when I asked him why the heck hadn’t he told me, he said: “You’re not coming.” Say WHAT?! Don’t care that you’re hiding behind the lame phrase “I know you too well and I knew what your answer was going to be”, you still had to ask! You still had to tell me about the group’s plans!!! But noooo, why tell that stupid fuck what we’re doing? Why bother informing her if she doesn’t ask? You know what, I’m sick and tired of this crap. I’m sick and tired of me being the one asking you about “our plans”. If I don’t go 3 days out with you does that mean that I have no right knowing what you’re doing? Does that mean that I’m not part of the group anymore? If you can call Andrei and Sima and I don’t know which other guy when you decide something and they’re not present, why the FUCK can’t you call me too? Yesterday I was all day online and did any of them told me they were going out? NO! Did any of them tell me where they were going, at what time and place they were meeting? NO! And Cristoph has the nerve of telling me that he saw me yesterday evening in town with a friend. Well, duuuuh, of course I went out with her, cause my oh so good pals don’t give shit about me. And then he said I could have asked about their plans. No, I couldn’t. I simply couldn’t. I’m sick and tired of me being the one that could. Why couldn’t THEY tell me? Why couldn’t THEY say “come out with us tonight cause you haven’t been out with us for some quite a few days.”?

I’m really starting to think that in this 3-year’s time they never perceived me as their friend. That I was the one caring about them, I was to one considering them my friends. In fact, I’m sure about this. You know what? FUCK YOU! I don’t need “friends” like you. I need real friends, friends who can appreciate my love for them, friends who care about me too. I can hardly wait to move to Bucharest to forget all about them, never to see them again. Just FUCK YOU!

Currently:

• Feeling: very pissed off
• Listening to: Moby - We are all made of stars
• Thinking about: university stuff
• Reading: The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett
• Numbered days: 44

It seems that I have part only of bad luck with the universities I’m starting to think that maybe going to university is not for me, that some kind of evil force is plotting against me and to tell the truth, it’s doing its best!

Facts: FanFest is taking place this year between 25-27 August. The confirmation at the Philosophy University is between 28-31 August. The registrations for the Modern Languages University are between 23-29 August. My plan was to go to Bucharest on the 22 nd of August, to register at the M.L.U. on the 23 rd and then on the 24 th to be back home and head to FanFest. For the confirmation at the P.U. I had my aunt from Bucharest take care of that. Sticking to my excellent plan I went and bougth the train tickets to Bucharest.

Now comes the revolting part. On the M.L.U.’s site it is said that we need to have all our papers in original and if we don’t, we have to bring some kind of a written statement from the university where our original papers are. The same thing was written on the P.U.’s site and when I went there in July to register I didn’t need that thing nor did I left my original papers there. I wanted to check if at the M.L.U. was the same so I gave a call. Nothing. I called again - nothing. Hm… I wrote an e-mail. Nothing. Then I went and bought the train tickets. When I came home from town this night, at about 10 o’clock, there was this e-mail waiting for me from the M.L.U. informing me that without my original papers or that written statement from the other university, I cannot register at their university. This means that I have to change my train tickets for 28 - I arrive in Bucharest only on 29 the last day of registration at the M.L.U.!!!!!!!! What if I don’t make it???? This is simply too much for me I mean, I called the university, I e-mailed them… and not a response till it was too late! Thanks a lot, you jerks! What do you care if I have to travel almost 700 km just to register at your university? What do you care if I come there and can’t register? Uh, I’m so pissed off about this!

There’s still a good part in all of this: my mum never even mentioned not letting me go to FanFest. I mean, I can’t do anything until 28 August so why not have a good time there and then start and resolve my problems? Now I can only hope there won’t be any problems with the transportation to and from Rosia Montana. Last year we had so much luck finding that minibus that took us to Rosia and came back for us. I really have to be back home until 10 o’clock at night to catch the train for Bucharest. It’s going to be a hell of a trip. Let’s hope it will be a trip with a happy ending

Currently:

• Feeling: sleepy
• Listening to: Emiliana Torrini - Sunny road
• Thinking about: a discussion we had in class today
• Reading: Junky by W.S. Burroughs

I am revolted. I’ve told my friends many times that I’m a revolted human being, but only today did I realise that I really am one. When I hear somebody talking crap I just can’t help myself and I tell him what I think of that subject. Or when I see somebody acting stupid, again, I can’t shut up and revolt against such a moron attitude. So, yeah, I’m revolted. But that doesn’t mean I can’t accept comments and opinions, which are not similar to mine. But not that’s not the point I’m trying to make here.

Instead of the Latin teacher came a nice looking lady who was a sort of family counsel. This lady wanted to tell us more about marriage and relationships. It sounded like fun so everyone was very attentive. She asked us what we expect our lovers to be like and all kind of questions. There are 2 girls in my class whom are known to be very religious. I believe in God and I like going to church and all that stuff, but they are a bit more into this than most of us, if you know what I mean. *and I’m sure you know :)*

Finally, the trickiest question of all came: ‘Now, tell me what do you think of sex before marriage?’ Although I’m not very into this sex business and I have other colleagues who have boyfriends and active sexual relationships, I was the one to say ‘I totally agree with it’. There were a few moments of silence in the classroom and then the normal buzz and noise. Of course, the class divided into two parts: the ones who thought sex before marriage was ok and the ones who were against it. Like I’ve said, I can accept other opinions and ideas, but as long as the person doesn’t try to convince me that his/her idea is the best. Ok, dude, I got it: you think that, I think this, we don’t agree on this one, but don’t try to make me think like you do. You know, we live in a democratic country: freedom of speech and thought is allowed, so let me think and speak for myself.

What actually revolted me big time were 2 ideas.

• After some debate on this subject, the nice lady said something like this: ‘Yeah, but don’t you think that if you have sex before marriage, when you’ll get to have sex with your husband and he’ll realise you’re not a virgin, won’t he feel disappointed and ask himself how many men you had before him?’

Dude, that sucked. I mean, come on, how can she believe that if two people are having a serious relationship, they don’t know about each others ex-partners and sexual relationships and they get married, spend the wedding night together and boom, only then does he find out that she’s not a virgin anymore. Now that’s completely idiotic.

• One of those very religious colleagues of mine made this statement: ‘Boys want to have sex and whey they ask a girl to have sex with them and she says yes, then they consider her a whore. If she says no, then they don’t like her anymore.’

Ooook… I understand that she wants to be ‘pure’ when she marries, but to make such a statement, it’s a bit too much. And, God, was she convinced when she said that!

I really don’t get it. Why is this fuss about not having sex before marriage??? Come one, do you actually believe that boys can remain virgins until then? I truly doubt that. So what’s the point of you, as a girl, remaining a virgin, when your husband won’t be one? Michael Foucault said that the society is like a system with a certain structure, structure which changes with the epoch. So, if in the 18^th or 19^th century the structure said that girls had to be virgins in order to be considered decent girls and in order to be able to get married, everyone knew that men had all the women they wanted before getting married and even after that. And I think this is totally wrong. Why say a woman is a whore if she had previous sexual relationships and consider this something normal when it comes to men. But we’re not living in those centuries, for crying out loud. We’re in the 21^st century and no one expects of you to be a virgin when you marry, not even the one you marry. The structure of the system has changed. I don’t have anything against the people who want to be virgins when they marry, but from what I saw today in class, those people are kind of narrow-minded.

I really don’t think my parents hadn’t had sex before they got married. Probably my father was my mum’s first man and he’ll be her one and last, but I really, really don’t think they waited 3 or 4 years before having sex, especially when they were living in Bucharest, far away from their parents.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that sleeping with a lot of people is ok, or having one-night stands, which involve sex, is all right, but when you’re in a relationship and you love and trust your partner, sex is something normal. Of course the Church doesn’t allow such kind of things, but that’s a risk you assume when you’re in a relationship. And if you’re not a religious person, well, you couldn’t even care less about what the Church condemns or not.

My point is that I really hate narrow-minded people and that I’m truly a revolted person. And about the sex before marriage part: I totally agree with it. So, come on, be honest and tell me what you think of this. I’m really curious to find out.

Oh, I had a pleasant surprise today. After that class we got together and talked the problem over. Guess what? A colleagues of mine, whom I call Ice Princes cause she doesn’t talk with the rest of us and she always has that superior air, said that she agrees with me. And she was sincere. Wow, that was something. She was the last girl from my class whom I’d thought would agree with me. That was a pleasant surprise.