Rainbow child

Secrets, secrets, secrets… I’ve been tagged again, this time by Silvia. Let’s see what other 5 secret thingies about me I can share with you…

1. I twice ran away from home and each time my parents found me the second day and brought me back home. This happened in the 7 th and 8 th grade.
2. I had a brother who died when he was 2 and I was 7.
3. I once drank so much Coke that I puked [ really!!!!!!].
4. My father can’t hit me, because he knows I hit him back.
5. I can be a real hypocrite sometimes and I’m not proud of this

If Roxa and Green want to share some of their secrets with us, it would be awesome

Currently:

• Feeling: oh, boy!
• Listening to: Lampshade
• Reading: Baiuteii de Filip si Matei Florian

Lazy, lazy days… I tried to learn, honestly I did, but I simply couldn’t focus on what I was reading. My mind has a will of its own and kept playing tricks on me. Nope, couldn’t concentrate at all. The truth is that I don’t really like the courses from my university. But, like Doug said, I need a diploma and I’m going to learn just to get that diploma. I don’t want any scholarships, I don’t want to go abroad and learn, I don’t want to be the best. I simply want to live; to be able to say “Yes, it was great in my university years… yeah, I learned, but my life wasn’t only about that.” And I want to work. I definitely want to work. It’s not that my parents can’t pay for my stay in Bucharest, thank God we are pretty well off, but I don’t think it’s fair what I’m doing right now: spending their money on useless stuff, not going to all the courses, almost hating the university I’m attending etc. I moved there to learn… and I’m not actually doing that.

Of course there’s always and alternative to learning and that’s work. Maybe I’m pushing things a little to further, maybe I don’t know exactly what it means to work. I don’t want to be financial independent from my parents, I simply want to have a regular income to pay for, let’s say, the taxes. I’d feel much better! It’s not like I don’t want time for myself, I do! I want to be able to enjoy a good book, quality time with Mihnea or a cup of tea with some of my dear friends, but that depends on me, on how I manage my time. I could easily work 4h/day, everyday, because my university schedule allows that. The only problem is, where to work?

I finished that translation and sent it to my aunt, but they have a major project these months and the tourist guides project has been postponed. This means she didn’t have time to take a look at my translation and tell me if it’s ok or not. So I don’t know anything for sure yet. I’d love to have a book related job, somewhere in a bookstore or such. I’m not giving this dream up!!! Someday I’ll either have my own bookstore, or I will work for a publishing house. It’s where I belong! It’s what I love most in this world, after people. I just need to start from somewhere.

And he’s gone again. At least this time he’ll be back in February. It’s strange how I simply melt when I’m with him, how I can be so in love with him when he’s by my side. And it’s funny how I get mad at him and stay mad for days and days when he’s gone. Hopefully, after he’ll be back in Cluj we’ll see each other often. Heck, only the thought of being in the same country is reassuring enough for me. I simply love the patience he has when we enter a bookshop and I look at almost every book. He’s never bored, he never tells me to hurry up, he listens to all my ramblings about “oh, I’ve read about this book/author” or “I must have this one!”. And we even bought books together; I bought some books from my wish list, he bought some computer programming books, but it was fun. But what I love even more are the evenings when we read together. He comes over and brings a book for himself. We sit on my bed, I usually put my head on his chest and we read our books. If we find an interesting passage we read it to each other. And of course we eat chocolate and oranges

Tomorrow I’m going back to Bucharest. It has been a pleasant stay here, in Baia Mare, but I can hardly wait to go back. I miss my room, my books, my laptop, my music, my Bucharest. Mum is upset that I’m leaving, but at least we spent some time today and went mother-and-daughter shopping. And I really need to get rid of these extra kilograms I have put on since I arrived here. I miss my 49 kg! Yeah, it’s time I went back.

* lyrics from Lampshade - By and by

Nervi. Nervi. Nervi. Asa a inceput ultima zi a anului pentru mine. “Utopia” nu se mai termina odata, iar apoi trebuia sa ma apuc de “Henric al V-lea” de Shakespeare. Nici in noaptea dintre ani nu aveam cum sa scap de corvoada “lecturii obligatorii”. Nici atunci nu aveam cum sa ma bucur de o carte buna, o carte pe care sa o citesc pentru mine si nu pentru seminarul de civilizatie engleza.

Tot in nuante de gri inchis a continuat si restul zilei: mult stat in pat, citit in scarba, portocale acre, pofta de cartofi pai cu cascaval, raspunsul la aceeasi intrebare sacaitoare “dar tu chiar nu mergi nicaieri de Revelion?”, “nu, mama, ti-am spus clar ca stau acasa”, asigurari ca “da, mama, iti sta foarte bine cu fusta asta” si “nu, nu arati caraghios imbracata asa”, dormit pe fuga si ascultat uRMa - “Would you feel my word/ More than words can say?”

Am avut putin liniste chiar dupa ce au plecat ai mei si inainte sa soseasca el. Jumatate de episod din “Seinfeld” vizionat, un dus facut pe fuga, o convorbire telefonica lunga, din nou portocale. Apoi a sosit el. Imbratisari lungi, sarutari si “te iubesc”-uri, asternuturi mototolite ca dupa o absenta de 3 luni si o iminenta plecare de inca 2 luni. Iesit din casa pe la 11 jumate, intalnit cu varu’ si plecat spre centrul vechi al orasului ca sa fim cu parintii la trecerea dintre ani. Frig, lume multa, inghesuiala mare in centru, sampanie si pupaturi, “la multi ani si an nou fericit!”, artificii si exclamatii de admiratiei, drumul inapoi spre casa.

Acasa - caldura, pat moale. Franturi din “Henric al V-lea”, “te iubesc, intelegi?”, portocale - dulci de data asta, cicolata amaruie cu alune de padure, Antony and the Johnsons - “And fall depper/ Even than love”, coji de portocale pe covor, un pupic pe ureche. “Hai sa-ti arat poze cu prietenii mei din Bucuresti”, “uite, astea sunt blogurile pe care le citesc”, “mi-ai adus cartea?”, “tu cand pleci inapoi?”, “da, chiar are voce buna Antony”, “oare au facut Weekly Chart-ul pe last.fm?”, “of, nu o sa am timp sa invat pentru toate examenele”, “mi-e dor de matusa si de Mihnea”, “abia astept sa vin inapoi de tot”, “abia astept sa te muti in Bucuresti.” Apoi somn.

1 ianuarie 2007. Am deschis cu greu ochii. M-am uitat la ceas: 12:47. M-am ridicat din pat; am calcat pe coji de portocala si am sarit in scaunul de la birou. Am pornit computerul si am ascultat The Cranberries -”I really hope you’ll always be/ So in love with me”. Afara ploua, nimeni pe strada. La multi ani 2007!

My mother’s smile, the sweet smell of oranges, the abnormal heat from my room, my old bed, the posters on my wall and door, the former PC, the view from my window, my rocking chair, my blue room, the familiar faces on the street, my neighbours, the pubs, Tom and Jerry bar, my relatives, my ex-classmates, my friends, his presence in all my memories, my dreams, my books, my minutes passing by, the warm hugs of my friends, hot chocolate, hand cream, The Cranberries, phone calls, conversations on YM, blogging, daydreaming, wishing I was better, waiting for him to come back home, waiting to go back to Bucharest, ice skating, memories, uRMa… Season’s greetings!

It happens to me every time things go bad in my life. When Alex broke up with me I cut my hair. For more than a year I looked like a boy; my hair was not longer than 5cm. Now I feel the need for another major change. Yes, this time too I wanted to cut my hair. Funny thing is that I haven’t cut it since I started dating Cata and now my hair is longer than I was used to. But for I don’t know what reason I couldn’t find the necessary force within me to grab the scissors and teach it a lesson. As if my hair is the one to blame for this situation. Is not its fault and it would have been such an immature gesture to have cut my hair. I’m glad I didn’t.

But, nonetheless, a change was desperately needed. Jen changed her blog’s skin. Well, when it comes to choices of design, blog.com simply sucks. No new blog skin. Still, I needed a change, so I changed the name of the tags. I replaced them with titles of songs I like. Here they go:

• Sad, depressed and lonely -> Daffodil lament [The Cranberries]
• Existential problems -> Inner demon [uRMa]
• Happy, excited and all the rest -> More than words can say [uRMa]
• Ramblings -> Simple things [uRMa]
• My friends -> With a little help from my friends [The Beatles]
• Revolted -> War child [The Cranberries]
• Cranky -> Dressed in black [Depeche Mode]

Hope I’ll remember them  :)) Not much of a change, but I already feel better. I think it’s some kind of psychological thingy at the middle of this [bad thing - depressed me - change - ok me]. What the heck! I don’t care!

It’s like 4 and a half in the morning and I can’t sleep. I went to bed at about 3, read something then started to think and to toss and simply couldn’t fall asleep. I still have 3 pages to translate before I send the text to my aunt so why waste time? I just feel the need to write, to let it all out, to lose myself in words, to forget… I’ll be fine. I’m going to get over this. I’m a tough person. I’ve always been. Heck, nothing brings me down [for a considerable period of time, that is].

I’m trying today to change my train ticket. I want to go on Wednesday night home. I’m not going to tell Mum about my plan and if I can change the ticket, then I’m going to surprise her big time! I miss her. A lot. Be right back, need a hot chocolate. Ahhh, better. I’m out of oranges and my eyes kind of hurt. Need to put my glasses on. Need to buy oranges. Need to send a book to a friend as part of a bookring. Need to sleep. Need to eat properly. Need to study. Want to read more. Need to take better care of myself. Too many need to. Stop! I just want to read with him again.

Nici nu mai stiu cand am auzit prima data vorbindu-se despre el. Nici nu stiu cand l-am auzit pentru prima data cantand. Nici nu stiu cand l-am vazut prima data in vreo poza.

Dar stiu cand l-am vazut in carne si oase pentru prima data: la inceputul lui noiembrie a.c., in Preoteasa, cu ocazia implinirii a un an de forum uRMa. L-am vazut de cand a intrat si nu imi venea sa cred ca e chiar el. Evident ca arata diferit fata de poze. In primul rand e mai inalt decat ma asteptam. In al doilea rand arata foarte obosit. Dar asta nu l-a impiedicat sa zambeasca si sa se simta bine cu ce de pe forum. Eu ma tot uitam la el pe furis. La un moment dat ma gandeam serios daca sa ma duc sa-i cer un autograf, dar m-am dat seama cat de penibila as fi fost si am renuntat rapid la idee.

A doua oara cand l-am vazut a fost in Laptarie. Avea concert. Eram tare curioasa sa vad ce stil adopta. Am fost, am ascultat si mi-a placut. Chiar mult de tot. Eram obisnuita cu stilul mai calm al uRMei, dar i se potriveste mult mai mult ce canta acum. Si ii face placere. Si pune suflet. Si e minunat.

Momentan sentimentele mele se afla undeva intre admiratie pentru muzicianul din el si “dragoste” cat se poate de prosteasca pentru omul din el. Imi place, de ce nu as recunoaste asta? Dar tocmai pentru ca imi place ma simt asa de ciudat in preajma lui. Cand a trecut pe langa mine in Laptarie, nici nu am putut sa respir. Asa as fi vrut sa o fac, sa ma apropii de el, sa inspir si sa imi ramana intiparit in minte mirosul lui. As fi vrut sa il ating usor, iar apoi sa ma hranesc zile intregi cu amintirea mirosului si atingerii sale. Dar nu am putut sa fac asta. Am lasat capul in jos, m-am facut cat de mica am putut si am trecut pa langa el. In timpul concertului am stat departe de scena. As fi putut sa stau mai aproape, dar nu am vrut. Nu pot sa-l privesc de aproape. Pur si simplu nu sunt in stare sa ma uit la el ca la oricare altcineva.

Nu sunt vreo groupie obsedata, nici macar nu visez cu ochii deschisi. Cel mai ciudat e ca, e asa de aproape. As putea sa merg la toate concertele, as putea sa-l vad destul de des. Dar nu vreau. Mi-e frica de el. Mi-e frica de omul pe care nu-l pot privi in fata. Mi-e frica de cel in preajma caruia nu pot sa respir. Mi-e frica sa ma atinga si sa impietresc pe loc. Mi-e frica sa imi spuna ceva si sa uit complet pe ce lume traiesc.

Acum astept urmatorul concert. Sa stau iar unde departe de scena, sa inchid ochii, sa-l ascult si sa zambesc… Cat o sa rad peste cativa ani de toate prostiile astea!

Currently:

• Feeling: good
• Listening to: Billy Idol - Dancing with myself
• Reading: Lighioane si supralighioane - Saki si Cartea de capatai a hedonismului - Michael Flocker

Every time I go to my aunt’s all these crazy thoughts come rushing through my mind. But today it was different. Today I felt different. I kind of have a lot on my mind lately. Yes, I know, my existential problems aren’t such a fuss, but they’re mine and this is what makes them the biggest and the most important in this world. Like I was saying, I’ve kind of been under the weather lately and that’s simply not me. And what worries me, is that I have no idea why I have felt that way. There were so many things that annoyed me, so many activities that I didn’t want to do [going to classes - top place], so many people I didn’t want to talk to [sorry mum ]. Definitely not me.

But today, as I was going to my aunt’s, I felt so relieved, so easy, so happy inside. It was nippy outside and I kept hiding my nose in my green scarf and stuffing my hands in my pockets. But I was smiling. And I kept hearing Dancing with myself in my head: Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself /Oh, oh, oh dancing with myself /Well there’s nothing to lose /And there’s nothing to prove /And I’m dancing with myself /Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, I know, so gay! :)) And as I was humming along I forgot all about my so-called problems. So what if I have to finish translating that Budapest guide? It can wait! So what if I have lots to study for my exams? I still have time! So what if I broke up with Cata, for good this time? I’ll meet another guy! So what if I still don’t have anyone to wander around Bucharest with? I can do this by myself, thank you! So what if I feed only on oranges, chocolate and biscuits? I haven’t heard of anyone dying cause of this!

Damn, was I happy! I kept looking at people and wondering how diverse we are, how different and special each and every one of us is. In days like this I love all mankind. And on the way home I bought 2 oranges and ate them while walking. I loved how they smelled in the cold December air. I peeled them and put the peels in my pocket then ate them piece by piece. And they were so sweet and smelled so lovely! Some people looked strange at me, but I couldn’t even care less. It was my own special moment and I savoured it till the last bite If you want to make my day, give me an orange :)) You can buy me with an orange/ I’m so cheap :))

I don’t look forward to the holiday. I have to go home and meet all my relatives and spend Christmas at my grandma’s [no matter that she's not here anymore, the family tradition still remains; happy happy joy joy] then I have to study, study, study! It’s going to be strange to be in Baia Mare again and to see all my former friends and not talk to them. No, I haven’t changed my mind: I’m never-ever going to forgive them! But on the other side, I’ll eat food, real food, cooked food, I’ll meet some of my ex-classmates and I’m gonna do some real shopping.

And about the New Year’s Party… bleah! I’m sure I won’t go to Cluj. Firstly, I wasn’t invited and secondly, there would be too many days wasted. I can’t afford to lose 3 days for a party. Nope. Guess I’ll just stay home with a good book, many cups of tea, oranges and sweets. That sounds just fine with me.

In the end, I still have some questions left. At the end of a one-year relationship, when you say you truly love the other how can you so easily accept the break-up? How can you let go without a good fight? How can you say “fine” and then keep complaining and feel sorry for yourself? How can you accept to come home and not meet the other? How can you accept it without demanding face to face explanations? Cata will never cease to amaze me.

Friday

I didn’t sleep at all Thursday to Friday night. I did some translations and argued with Cata. Then at 5 o’clock in the morning I went to the railroad station cause I had to pick up my friends from Cluj. I arrived there, froze to death on a bench, waited at the wrong line, got a call from My Maria, ran towards her, grabbed her in my arms, hugged her till almost suffocated her, kissed her over and over again, didn’t want to let her go, felt incredibly good.

I was then introduced to her friends and we went to my place. They - Maria, Mihai, Ioana [his girlfriend] and Floppy ate whatever they could find in the almost-empty fridge of mine and then went to sleep while I had a very nice conversation with Oni. I tried to sleep on the armchair for about 15 minutes and then moved in the bed where Maria was asleep. She took me in her arms and hold me so very tight and it felt damn good! My heart was beating so fast and I was so happy to have My Maria there with me! I was such a happy child!

Maria and me went out and met David, Dan, Meropi and Raul. We stayed in a nice café and I kind of dozed off with my head on David’s knees. God, was I tired! At about 7 we met the rest of the group and finally I got to know all those wonderful people Maria told me so much about. Of course there were debates as to where to go, but in the end we formed 2 separate groups and one went to the Byron concert and the other one to Sabina’s apartment.

We were 8 people who wanted to see the concert and we headed for Laptaria lui Enache. Paid the ticket, got in, drank a beer, slept on the floor with my head on David, suddenly got up and started dancing, enjoyed the concert, imagined myself meeting a guy as good-looking as Byron, danced again, had lots of fun and left. We went to a so-called apartment party, but the only fun was when we ate,  because we were really starving.

Misu and Andreea offered to show us the way home. It was a 20-minute walk, at 5 in the morning on a very cold December morning. The creepy part starts here: we took the shortest way home through the courtyard of a hospital. But it wasn’t just a hospital: it was the psychiatry hospital! And it was a long, long alley through the courtyard, margined by tall trees. That hospital is so very strange! It’s not formed out if a big building, but it has more than 20 small houses. And there was a 2-meter fence separating that alley from them. And each and every window had bars. I held hands with Oni and we held each other tight and we were just so scared! Nothing moved there… some room were lit, but there was no move. And that lack of movement, of live, made everything even more creepy and scary! I kept starring at that fence and all these stupid images came to my mind: how some of the madmen escape and came running to the fence and climb it and attack us… damn! That’s a place I never want to see!

Saturday

We slept until 12 o’clock and then Maria, Mihai and Ioana met the other and went to the Samael concert. Oni and I wanted to go to the Opera but there weren’t any tickets left. We went to Green Hours waited for Vic, David, Meropi and Raul to show up, drank a black beer and headed to The Jack to meet the others. It was a, hmmmm, boring night. We were all very tired and with no lust for partying and it was so much cigar smoke and only metal in the playlist… most of them slept on benches, others talked, but it wasn’t by far the happy-smiling atmosphere from Friday night. Finally, at 5 in the morning [again!!!] we got back to my place, they took their bags and went to the railroad station. I took a shower and slept…

Good parts:

• I saw My Maria!!!!! I missed her so, so much and it was so good to be with her again, even if for a short period. And when she held me while I was asleep I felt I didn’t need anything else.
• I met some very interesting and fun people
• Floppy looks incredibly cute in real life! Cute, handsome, smart, funny… he is definitely worth a 9 
• The more time I spend with Oni, the more I like her
• The Byron concert was great!
• All in all, I had a great time

Bad parts:

• Maria didn’t invite me to spend the New Year’s Day in Cluj with her and her friends. I know that last year she asked and I couldn’t go, but how could she ask Oni and not ask me? I know that probably she will invite me during the holiday, but not even to say a word now? Something broke inside of me at that moment…
• Mihai is the same old mean brother. How dare he tell me all those things about My Maria??? For crying out loud, for me she’s the best in this world, and I don’t give a damn about what you like/don’t like about her. So stop saying all those bad things and blaming her for everything that doesn’t turn out the way you want, or next time I might actually hit you!
• Oh, this is just so stupid, but it’s a thing that eats me inside. Each and every time she came to Bucharest before I moved here she showed me tons of pictures with her friends and with them together and now… we barely have 2 or 3 pictures together. And it hurts damn bad cause it’s about here. She’s not just a friend. She’s My Maria. And she made me cry. And she made me hurt. And I’m just so stupid for feeling this way, but, but… I can’t help it :-<

Currently:

• Feeling: sick
• Listening to: Beth Gibbons & Rustin Man
• Reading: Privind in soare - J. Barnes

What does a sick person do? Complain! And yes, I am sick, and yes, I will complain. I’m currently sitting in bed with my laptop in my lap, my nose running [like hell, I may add] and with a pile of used tissues all over the place and a Coldrex to keep me company. I kind of make a fuss when I’m feeling bad and I really don’t know why. It’s not like I need sympathy or something. Maybe I think that if I complain it will go away. Wrong!!! So, every muscle hurts, my head hurts, my throat is sore and I’m in a bad mood. This is about all about my current state. Oh, and cause of this, I didn’t go out with Jen although it was something planned. I don’t like myself when I have to tell someone I can’t make it. But she understood and we’ll meet another day.

Now let me update you with events which have taken place in my quiet common life. This weekend a book fair took place. In fact, it was the biggest book fair in Romania. And guess what? My aunt let me help her! This means that Saturday and Sunday I stood at my aunt’s stall and sold whatever her publishing house makes. And it was awesome! I simply loved being part of that fair! And working with customers was awesome! Of course there were some people so very annoying or plain stupid, but that’s not important. I am proud of myself and I think I did a very good job at this fair. Yeah, Customer Care is something I’d be very good at. Now I can hardly wait for the spring book fair to take place! Oh yes, it’s going to be so much fun!!!

Mike spent the night here. He had come to Bucharest because he had an interview for a scholarship offered by the Government and knowing how great a person he is, I’m almost sure he’ll receive it. But now he has to stay for a few more days here to take an English exam because he needs it for his applications at USA universities. Mike is such a smart boy! I’m positive he’ll be accepted at Harvard because he has BIG scores at his SATs and because he simply is incredibly smart! I am so proud to have him as a friend. And what a friend he is! He’s a friend for life. I know, I feel, I’m sure that no matter how great a distance is between us, how rarely we see each other, our friendship will never fade away. We’ve been friends for almost 7 years now and in the past 4 years we haven’t really seen each other, but I can say - hand on heart - that he is one of my best friends and that he will remain that way for me. He’s the brother I have never had.

It was so good spending this night with him. We talked about so many things and although I felt like hell, I laughed and laughed and laughed. We went to bed at about 4 and a half in the morning. What a night!

I know I’ve been neglecting school work recently, but I can’t find a good motivation to get down to work. I have books to read and learn, I have to study at German, I have to make essays, but neah, no motivation, no real desire to do that. I can only guess how panicked I will be in January when I’ll have to study my butt of for so many exams. But I kind of like stressful situations like this. I’m one masochistic person!

That’s about all for today. I’m sooo sleepy. Time for a nap! Hopefully this flu will have miraculous disappeared by the time I wake up

Uitati-va, oameni buni, la ce m-a facut Domnul Auras sa ma gandesc! Pfff… gata cu ganditul pe viitor. Nu e deloc productiv si nici realist