Rainbow child

It’s funny how certain songs can trigger certain moods. I’ve been listening to *Set the fire to the third bar for hours and hours and I can’t get enough of it! [thank you, Ramona, for this new obsession]. Although I’m very melancholic at the moment, I don’t want to change this state of mind. I’m almost enjoying it…

Of course I thought about the people I’d loved and the ones I’d cared so much for. Strangely, I couldn’t stop smiling. I remembered only the good times we had together. I remembered their laugh, their kisses, their hugs. And I felt strange. I was so full of love for those dear memories and I was in such a bitter-sweet state of mind, that I couldn’t help myself and wrote an e-mail to Alex - nothing much, but I told him that every time I think about him, I instantly smile. As I had expected, he hasn’t replied and he never will. This is not good, because it means that the answer to the question “Do They ever think of me?” must be “No” and that would make me feel awfully sad. [later edit: he did write!!! and he too smiles when he thinks of me!!!]

Another thing is that only now I have realised that I never actually loved Radu. It was only a very strong feel of friendship that I felt for him. We had so much fun together, I could be myself around him, but I never really loved him. Sad? Don’t really know. But what I know is that, whenever I think of the people who marked my existence, he’s not among them. We were good buddies and we should have stayed that way.

I can’t believe that in less than a month’s time Cata will be back home. It was horrible with him there, in Italy. We still won’t be living in the same city, but at least I’d be able to just take the train to Cluj whenever I feel I’m going nuts without him. Uh, I’ve been bitching about him for more than a year now, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be more than ok. Yeah, it’s going to be more than ok…

And apart from these existential problems, there are moments when I feel I have so many things to give thanks for. I have great, great friends; I’ve met new and incredible people in the last year. There are certain people which fill my heart with love and a simple YM conversation with them makes me cry of happiness. And there are people I haven’t yet met in real live, but who are so special and dear to me; people who always make me smile.

This is my current mood: melancholic, but happy. Not thinking about what could have been, but smiling that it happened. No regrets, no remorse, no tears… just a big smile.

Currently:

• Feeling: oh, boy!
• Listening to: Lampshade
• Reading: Baiuteii de Filip si Matei Florian

Lazy, lazy days… I tried to learn, honestly I did, but I simply couldn’t focus on what I was reading. My mind has a will of its own and kept playing tricks on me. Nope, couldn’t concentrate at all. The truth is that I don’t really like the courses from my university. But, like Doug said, I need a diploma and I’m going to learn just to get that diploma. I don’t want any scholarships, I don’t want to go abroad and learn, I don’t want to be the best. I simply want to live; to be able to say “Yes, it was great in my university years… yeah, I learned, but my life wasn’t only about that.” And I want to work. I definitely want to work. It’s not that my parents can’t pay for my stay in Bucharest, thank God we are pretty well off, but I don’t think it’s fair what I’m doing right now: spending their money on useless stuff, not going to all the courses, almost hating the university I’m attending etc. I moved there to learn… and I’m not actually doing that.

Of course there’s always and alternative to learning and that’s work. Maybe I’m pushing things a little to further, maybe I don’t know exactly what it means to work. I don’t want to be financial independent from my parents, I simply want to have a regular income to pay for, let’s say, the taxes. I’d feel much better! It’s not like I don’t want time for myself, I do! I want to be able to enjoy a good book, quality time with Mihnea or a cup of tea with some of my dear friends, but that depends on me, on how I manage my time. I could easily work 4h/day, everyday, because my university schedule allows that. The only problem is, where to work?

I finished that translation and sent it to my aunt, but they have a major project these months and the tourist guides project has been postponed. This means she didn’t have time to take a look at my translation and tell me if it’s ok or not. So I don’t know anything for sure yet. I’d love to have a book related job, somewhere in a bookstore or such. I’m not giving this dream up!!! Someday I’ll either have my own bookstore, or I will work for a publishing house. It’s where I belong! It’s what I love most in this world, after people. I just need to start from somewhere.

And he’s gone again. At least this time he’ll be back in February. It’s strange how I simply melt when I’m with him, how I can be so in love with him when he’s by my side. And it’s funny how I get mad at him and stay mad for days and days when he’s gone. Hopefully, after he’ll be back in Cluj we’ll see each other often. Heck, only the thought of being in the same country is reassuring enough for me. I simply love the patience he has when we enter a bookshop and I look at almost every book. He’s never bored, he never tells me to hurry up, he listens to all my ramblings about “oh, I’ve read about this book/author” or “I must have this one!”. And we even bought books together; I bought some books from my wish list, he bought some computer programming books, but it was fun. But what I love even more are the evenings when we read together. He comes over and brings a book for himself. We sit on my bed, I usually put my head on his chest and we read our books. If we find an interesting passage we read it to each other. And of course we eat chocolate and oranges

Tomorrow I’m going back to Bucharest. It has been a pleasant stay here, in Baia Mare, but I can hardly wait to go back. I miss my room, my books, my laptop, my music, my Bucharest. Mum is upset that I’m leaving, but at least we spent some time today and went mother-and-daughter shopping. And I really need to get rid of these extra kilograms I have put on since I arrived here. I miss my 49 kg! Yeah, it’s time I went back.

* lyrics from Lampshade - By and by

I feel like hell. I can’t stop crying. Nothing’s the way it is supposed to be. I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know what I really want, what I really expect from this life. I feel like a total loser. I am not myself. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know me.

You know, it’s so ironic, that for some people life starts when they go to university. Now I feel like my life ended before I turned 20. I can’t stop thinking about the future, about MY future. What will I do? I can’t picture myself working somewhere. I have all these childish dreams, but I know they won’t ever come true. Life is not about dreaming; life is about setting goals and achieving them. And I totally suck when it comes to being ambitious and fighting for what I want.

But what do I want? I don’t know. I don’t know!!! How??? Why??? Last year I could picture all my life, I knew what I wanted, I knew what I liked. Now I can’t do this anymore. I’m a loser and that’s it.

Damn it! I need to get away from it all. I need to start on a journey so I could know myself better. I have to discover my true self. I can’t just spend my parents’ money in Bucharest and attend an university I don’t like and I don’t feel good at. I have to find my true calling. I need to find my goal. I thought I was a strong person, but I’m weak, so very weak. How can I tell my parents that this university is not for me? That I don’t like going to classes, that I don’t think that bloody diploma will be of any help. How can I tell them I don’t know myself anymore? How could I tell them I need to spend some time in a foreign country, far far away, so that I could find myself again?

And I can’t chill! And I don’t have time to figure these out! Time is ticking out, I’m getting older and older. I don’t have priorities anymore. What the heck is going on in my life?! I really don’t like the way things are going right now. I need a miracle. I need to be a bright Rainbow again!

Know what? Just get the fuck out of my life! I don’t care about your whinnings, I don’t care about how much you loved me [btw, I don't believe you ever loved me!]. I don’t care about you anymore! [at least I'm trying not to].

It was awesome at the beginning! I was so lost in you. I was so madly in love with you. And then I started to know you better… wrong move! Months went by and our relationship started to suck. There were just so many things that bothered me, things which I had seen before but pretened not to. And I told you and I tried to change you [I know, it was wrong] and you promised you would change, but you didn’t. I can’t really blame you for that. What I can blame you for, are those very lame moments when you kept repeating that I’m the only one you want and you would do anything to keep me yours. Liar!

And now… now, you simply didn’t get it. You simply didn’t understand that I couldn’t be with you anymore. You didn’t understand my need for affection, for love, for a normal relationship. You didn’t understand that communication is one of the key factors in a relationship. Now we’re not talking to each other anymore. We broke every link that connected us. Hell, you even told me you’re not gonna say hi when we’re gonna meet accidentally on the street. Thanks a lot! You’re 3rd on the list who does that.

I think I have a major problem when it comes to breakups. I can’t seem to act mature and still be friends with my ex. Do you have any idea how painful is to walk down the street, see the boy you once was your boyfriend, remember all the good times you had together and then pass by each other like you were 2 perfect stragers? I know how it feels. And I don’t like that feeling, not a bit.

And I loved you, you stupid! I really, really did! I haven’t loved anyone since my catastrophic relationship with Alex, except you. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Stupid me, stupid you. Stupid me because I though I could change you. Stupid you because you didn’t know how to love me and keep me yours.

Now, again, I’m the one who’s sorry for everything, I’m the one who’s crying her eyes out cause of the cool relationship we had, I’m the one who’s feeling empty on the inside. But this will stop once and for all. No more sorries for people who don’t deserve them. No more tears for people who aren’t worthy. It’s time I became more selfish and unkind. It’s time I became a real cold-hearted person. It’s time for a major change.

This time I’m chasing my own dreams to catch

This time I’m reacing only for myself… myself… myself… myself…

Currently:

• Feeling: confused

• Listening to: Holden - Sur le pavé

• Thinking about: small, but annoying things

I just had one of those so very annoying conversations with Mum. We started from talking about the Gaudeamus Book Fair to my exams this week and ended talking about the PR University.

Mum: Well, from January you’re going to take grammar lessons.

Me [very puzzled]: What for?!

Mum: For the exam at the PR university.

Me: But, Mum, I told you I don’t want to attend that university anymore!

Mum: No, you haven’t told me that! Ioana, do you realise what you have just said? I can’t believe you’re not going to fight for your dream anymore!

Me: Bleah, my dream…. I didn’t make it to SNSPA this year, I don’t like Alexandra’s university courses and the other PR University is as tough as hell. I won’t be able to pass the exam.

Mum: Yes, you will. You just have to study for that.

Me [really annoyed!]: But, Mum, I studied my butt off for the SNSPA exam, I learnt 3 Philosophy books and still, I didn’t make it. And trust me, I WAS prepared.

Mum: But this time you’re going to have private lessons with professors from Bucharest.

Me [irritated]: Come on, do you really think I will let you spend a fortune on some crappy private lessons? No way!!! I’m not taking the exam again and that’s it!

Mum [sigh]: As you wish… but you will be sorry…

I don’t know how sorry I’ll be, but I know how frustrating it is to be a failure. And I know I said I would take that stupid exam again, but I can’t. I simply can’t. She should know better than anyone that I have never been a fighter; that I have never had ambition nor desired to be the best. When I was sure I was going to make it to that university everything seemed so clear, so into place. I mean, I was sure I would love the university courses, I would be thrilled about going to university; then I would take a master’s degree in PR and start working for a PR company and simply love my job!

No nothing seems bright and pink anymore. I really can’t picture myself as an university graduate. What in the world will I do afterwards? Find a job, find a job, find a job - words that constantly haunt me. What kind of a job? I don’t know if I am able to do something with passion and I can’t do anything with talent - because I don’t have any talent! I don’t want to wake up in the morning and say: “Another day spent in that crappy office, listening to that idiot boss, doing that same shit over and over again.” Uhhh, the future sounds crappy.

On top of this, I miss Cata. I really miss him. We have a very uncertain relationship status at the moment, but I’d love to have him by my side just now. But I really don’t know what I feel for him anymore. I can’t decide about that. I need to see him this holiday, to spend some time with him, to see if he really changed or not. I’m so curious if I’m going to feel good to be by his side or it will be all plain. It’s not that I don’t believe him when he says he loves me. It’s not that… but I really don’t feel his love. He has a very strange way of showing [or should I say, hiding?] it. I really don’t know. But I miss the bastard!

Better be going to bed. I need to change my sleeping hour. 3 in the morning is not a good one. I’m so tired during the day I can’t do a thing. Oh well, just another problem on the list.

Currently:

• Feeling: ????
• Listening to: uRMa
• Thinking about: my life, again

“This time I’m chasing my own dreams to catch…

This time I’m racing only for myself…”

I’m sick and tired of bitching about my life. But, truth is, that after the excitement of living on my own in a new city faded away, everything has got back to its old self. My life is once again made of routine, daily chores, a straight line between home and school.

Sometimes I feel like running away from it all. Going to a different country, staying there for a few months, earning a living and them moving on towards another unknown country and so on. I feel like doing something with my life. Something out of the ordinary, something new and exciting, something that breaks the patterns.

University is not enough for me. I have to keep myself busy. Truth is that I don’t even go to all my courses. I just attend the one I consider important. But the problem is that I should start learning for my December - January exams and I don’t have the necessary will to do that. I am so very conscious that I have to start learning, but neah… I’m not in the mood for that.

Don’t get the wrong impression: this doesn’t mean I hate my life or other pessimistic thoughts, but it’s just a crisis that I’m going through right now. I’m feeling very useless and it’s not right. Hopefully this will change this next week. Cata talked to me about me teaching English to a 6-year-old girl. I know the little one and she’s quite ok. I said yes and now he has to talk with the girl’s parents and set up a meeting. I was much surprised when Cata said her mother had called him and asked him to talk to me about this. I have seen her and her child only once in my life and she wants me to be her girl’s English teacher. I guess that’s pretty cool, isn’t it? Teaching is something I have always hated. But I want to do this even it’s going to be only 2h/week. And I don’t want to do it for the money or something; I want to do it out of the purest egotistic reason: for me. I need this “job” to feel that I’m not simply wasting time here, that I’m not throwing away my mum’s money. And if Otilia could find me a weekend job in a bookstore, I’d be more than thrilled! I don’t care about what my parents say. I don’t want to have the best marks from my university, I don’t want to have a scholarship and go abroad and study. It’s my life and I want to do stuff for myself. I don’t want to live my life by the book. I want to do exactly what I feel like doing. I am almost 20 years old; I think it’s time I followed my heart in everything she says.

So much for my daily life. Now comes the babbling about my personal life. I long for someone to be by my side, to wrap his arms around me and to kiss me on my forehead. And I want to meet someone new; someone I don’t know anything about and I have to discover his way of being. I just want to bump into him on the street one day and start talking; or meet him at the theatre. But I know such things happen only in movies. Life is rather plain. I just want someone to hang around with; to go shopping with; to read with; to eat oranges with; to watch a good movie with; to listen to all my daily crap; to whom to listen to all his daily crap; to share a chocolate with; to buy me flowers; to take care of me. Yeah, I know, I expect too much from life.

That’s about all for this lonely Saturday night. Yes, it is Saturday night and I’m home, blogging. How more lame can you get? You can’t.

Currently:

• Feeling: hmmmmmm
• Listening to: The Cranberries
• Thinking about: my life

This breakup makes me feel like my life has reached another turning point. I did some thinking about this and, yes, it’s time I moved on. It’s going to be different this time, though. I didn’t leave Cata for someone better. I don’t even like anybody else. I don’t even want to like anyone else, not to mention start a new relationship. I haven’t been on my own for about 2 years now. I had ended a relationship and I jumped into another. Now I want to have some time for myself.

It’s funny that I remembered a thing which happened last week. I was in the tube station, going up the stairs when I saw a man going down. At first, his face seemed so familiar and then it hit me: he was a man I had met at Rosia Montana this year. I was sitting outside the tent reading a book and he was doing the same thing in front of his tent. Then we started talking and we had this great conversation about books and authors. I don’t know his name, or how old he is. The only thing I know about him is that he is studying architecture. Unfortunately, we didn’t get the chance to talk that much, because he left the next day. And when I saw him on the stairs I was so happy! I wanted to call out his name, but I didn’t know it. I wanted to run after him, but there were too many people around me. Since then I desperately want to talk with him again. Don’t know where this powerful feeling has emerged. I just hope I’ll bump into him again one day. I feel he’s a very special person and like I’ve said, I desperately want to talk with him again… about books and music, about plays and opera concerts, about life in Bucharest, about everything.

Now, after this short digression, I think I’ll get back to what’s really on my mind at this moment. Mum is a bit concerned about me and the fact that I don’t go out as I used to do back home. In Baia Mare I used to go out with my friends every Friday and Saturday night, no exception. Here I don’t go out that much. To tell the truth, I don’t go out at all. Yes, I go every week at the theatre or at the Opera, but that doesn’t qualify as ‘going out’. Mum thinks I’m alone here, that I don’t have friends. That’s far from the truth. I have people whom I can call friends here. I have people with whom I can go out if I want. But lately I didn’t feel like clubbing at all. As regards to my social life, I have to admit: it sucks! I met Alina twice at a cup of hot chocolate, I’m to meet Jen and maybe DeviL and that’s about it. No heavy socializing on my behalf. It’s just home-university-my aunt-home again. No I’m not complaining, I’m just stating the way things are in my life. I feel like I’ve lost my special ability of communicating so very easily with people. I find it hard to bond with someone new; at that was never a problem!

But, things are not that bad. Tomorrow Bozy, Rica and Daniel are coming over and we’re going to eat chestnuts and drink some wine. I just hope they’ll feel ok and will enjoy themselves. And I have to ask them if they want to join me at the Kumm concert this Saturday night. Hopefully, they’ll say yes. If not, well, it will be just me. I really want to see that band live on stage and I’m so going to that concert

On another topic, I love my life, but I feel I blew it with me not going to study PR. In fact, the more I think about what I really like doing, the more I realise there isn’t such thing. Let’s take for instance my book addiction: I read every day, I love book, I spend all my money on books, but still, I can’t even write a bloody review. I like talking, but I can’t make a living out of it, can I? And then there’s nothing left. No other hobbies, no other out of the ordinary qualities about myself, no nothing. I’m more than plain and it sucks. What the will I do for a living???

And I really should be studying right now, reading some Economy course, but screw it, it’s boring. I should read my other courses and I should start slowly preparing for my exams, but I can’t. And time simply flies by. I’m so irresponsible from time to time. Hope I’ll get out of this phase before it’s too late.

Currently:

• Feeling: BLEAH
• Listening to: Jose Gonzáles - Heartbeats [over and over again]
• Thinking about: the almighty feeling that is love

A heart’s journey

Nope, still can’t figure it out; love that is. And I still persist in my stupidity. I have refused to change my decision, although I don’t know if I really want this. I know he loves me, but again, I have to be sure that I truly love him in order for this relationship to go on.

I’ve reached the point in my life where I believe I’ll never understand the mysterious and various ways my heart beats in. This moment she tells me that the feeling is real and the next moment she is more than sure that he is not the right person for me.

She promised him she would wait for him. She told him that no matter how great a distance, she would still be here when he would get back. She thought a year would simply fly by and he would move here in no time. She now realises she was wrong. A year means 365 days. 365 days in which she will be alone. 365 days in which she will feel the need to hug and kiss him, but she can’t. A year in which she will feed only on memories and false hopes and not on his body, his smell, his touch, his look, his smile, his hand in hers. An empty year…

And now she remembered her old self. That sweet, pure feeling of being herself: of acting as childish as she could, of laughing without being able to stop, of holding to a pole in the street and not wanting to let go of it, of saying whatever crossed her mind… yeah, that’s the way she once was.

Now she has to dress neatly and has to iron her clothes cause that’s the way his clothes look. She has to be serious, to pretend she is preoccupied with things which happen around the world, to feel interested in math and science. She has changed because she thought he would feel embarrassed with her old self and she didn’t want to lose him. She has had that mask on for too much. It’s time she took it off and tried to be that happy child she once was.

But it’s not as easy as it seems. When she was like that she had someone by her side, someone who loved her for what she really was. No she is all alone. No one to stroll through the park with, no one with whom to share a sandwich or a cup of black tea [btw, Cata refused to drink from the same bottle with her if she had touched it with her lips], no one to watch her wash the dishes, no one to laugh when she stuck her fingers into her nostrils and make monster sounds. No one to take her as she is.

She is aware that she is a very difficult person and that she has many, many flaws. All that she wants now is somebody with whom to share all those small things, a man in whose presence she could feel she’s her old self again. But she knows that such people are rare… nonetheless, she is decided to wait for that man. He has to e out there, somewhere. And she will wait for him. Her very own soul mate.

Currently:

• Listening to: Santana - Africa bamba
• Feeling: confused
• Thinking about: the university
• Reading: Casa spiritelor de Isabel Allende
• Numbered days: 17

Don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!! Uh, I hate when I have to choose between two important things. Just hate that. Here it goes: I had a rather good mark and I got accepted at the Modern Languages University for both the German and the Spanish section. Problem is that I have to choose only one and I don’t know which. What’s more, today is the last day of confirmations so I have to make up my mind ASAP!

I’ve been studying German for more than 5 years and I have had even private lesson, but… I simply can’t speak German. I was so disappointed when I was told I had to study German instead of French. I wanted so badly to go on with French cause I liked it and I was good at it, but no, it wasn’t possible. And I’ve hated German since that day. Truth is, that it’s not such an impossible language. I mean, the grammar part was quite nice, but I never really wanted to learn it, so my vocabulary is kind of… it’s not! My mum wants me to go on studying German. She says that the big multinational companies require German, not Spanish. Maybe she’s right, but starting from 2007 we’ll be part of the E.U. and I don’t think Spanish companies won’t come and invest here. I just can’t believe that. So, my mum wants German.

It’s not hard to realise that I want to learn Spanish. My mum says that I want that cause My Maria is also studying Spanish, but that’s not the truth. Between German, Russian, Spanish and Italia I’d always pick Spanish. It’s easy to learn [yeah, I know, I'm lazy] and it sounds nice. If I don’t watch soap operas, doesn’t mean I don’t like Spanish. And I don’t even have to know it. There are beginners’ classes… for both Spanish and German. Uh, I don’t know what to do! Most of the people I’ve asked told me to follow my heart. But my heart is very confused at this moment.

I wanted so badly to study PR and didn’t make it. And my mum has to pay for this university, cause my mark was not that good to get a tax-free place [and talking about that, there were 10 tax-free places and 300 with pay; nice!] and I feel kind of a failure and that I owe something to my mum. Even if I take a beginners class for German, it’s going to be tough. But I feel I need to be punished somehow for not making it to the university I wanted; I feel I need to suffer for my failure. And German seems the perfect punishment. I’d have so much to learn, so much practice to do in order to keep up and be able to pass my exams. On the other hand, 3 years with like 6h/week of German seem like living hell My mum promised she would let me learn Spanish if I want and she is eager to pay Spanish courses at the Cervantes Institute in Bucharest. But I think I have the possibility of learning a third language as an optional course.

Still… don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. I want to please my mum, but I know it’s me who’s going to suffer from that….

… 3h later. Damn it! I’m officially studying English and German. Damn! It was an on the spot decision. “Which one do you want to be your second language?” “Uhm… are there really beginners’ classes for German?” “Yes.” “Uhm, then it’s German.” … I’m such a loser!  

Currently:

• Feeling: miah-miah
• Listening to: Bob Marley - No woman no cry
• Thinking about: life in general
• Reading: The lovely bones by Alice Sebold
• Numbered days: 31

I’m just sitting at my desk enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and pondering about life. It’s a miserable autumn-like day outside with pouring rain, cold wind and all the ingredients. No wonder I have a sore throat. What’s more, my computer is not feeling well itself and I think it might just not make it until mum buys me another one

‘Ain’t got no, I got life’ the song played by Nina Simone popped into my mind. I used to listen to this song when I was down and need something to remind me that things could be worst:

And what have I got?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what have I got
Nobody can take away?
Got my hair, Got my head
Got my brains, Got my ears
Got my eyes, Got my nose
Got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, Got my chin
Got my neck, Got my boobies
Got my heart, Got my soul
Got my back, I got my sex

I got my arms, Got my hands
Got my fingers, Got my legs
Got my feet, Got my toes
Got my liver, Got my blood
Got life, I’ve got my freedom
I’ve got a lot

Do I have all these and much more? Yes. Do I feel happy about this? Absolutely not. What do I want more? Something to spice up my life. I had a pleasant talk with a friend of mine today and found out some really interesting things. My God, that girl has an incredible life. You know that show on VH1 - ‘The fabulous life of…’? Well, for me, they should make a show about her life. She’s one year younger than me, but she always knew how to get the best out of this life. Guess what? She has a 36-year-old boyfriend, divorced and with a child. It’s funny how I don’t judge her, how I don’t think she’s crazy, how I don’t consider this as being a repulsive thing. You know, every time I heard such a story I thought that girl was nuts, that she’s ruining her life etc, but now, well, now I think this love story my friend is living is absolutely awesome. All that hiding from parents and the incredible feeling that you’re doing something out of the ordinary must be like WOW!

I feel that I’m sinking deeper and deeper in a one-way mundane existence. I want something extraordinary to happen to me too and that doesn’t necessary mean I want to have a relationship with guy much older than me. I simply want to really feel that I’m living my life. I don’t even smoke, I don’t get drunk (yeah, I drink 2 black beers and throw up), I don’t take drugs, I don’t even have regular sex, I don’t run away from home, I don’t fight with my parents (and by that I mean HUGE fights), I go to church, I was a good student, I know I’m going to study my butt off to get a scholarship, I’m going to do everything possible to make my living costs from Bucharest as low as possible, I won’t ever spend fortunes on clothes and accessories, what the heck, in many ways I’m a great kid! You know what? That makes me sick. I don’t want to be like that anymore. Well, I want, but not in that way. I’m tired of trying to please my parents and everyone else. I’m tired of guiding my life after dusty rules and conceptions, after a stupid etiquette. I’m tired of caring so much about what others think about me. Fuck ‘em!

Why do I have to be that normal girl living her oh so very normal life? Why can’t something out of the ordinary happen to me? I dread of the possibility of having such a common life for as long as I live. Why can’t I go to theatres and operas and meet interesting smart people? Why can’t I simply stop a man in the street and tell him I like the way he looks? Uhh, if there are some words that I despise right now, they are common, mundane, trivial, ordinary. Hate you, stupid words!!!!

On the other hand, I love my mum dearly and I never want to hurt her or to do something to embarrass her. I still have my limits, you know. But, but, but… I want something to happen exciting to happen to my life. I don’t care what, but something special. Maybe having so much free time is not a good thing after all. I always feel better when I have things to do. I can hardly wait to start complaining about how much work I have to do for the university assignments and how much I have to study for my exams. I can hardly wait to be exhausted from all that studying. I can hardly wait to crush on the floor crying my eyes out that it’s too much for me, that I can’t learn all that, that I won’t get a good mark at my exam, that my project sucks, but deep inside me to know that everything it’s going to be just fine. I can hardly wait to feel useful again.

So, yeah, give me something to do if you can’t make my life interesting. Just make my days!