Rainbow child

Know what? I’m pissed off. Really pissed off. Today I found out that I cannot live with another person, to whom I’m not related in a way, in the same apartment. I simply can’t. Yes, I’m aware that everyone has problems with room/flat mates, but I can’t stand it anymore!!!

I’m a difficult person. I like to put things in a place and I expect them to be there when I need them. I have MY things. I have MY way of arranging them. I have MY ideas of how 2 people living in the same apartment should behave. And what’s more, MY things are only MY THINGS!

Some of my flat mate’s friends from Baia Mare are visiting her. They are 3 people, in a room smaller than mine. Oh, excuse me: they are 5 people, if we count her and her university colleague, which I don’t know why is staying here. Thus, 2 of them have to sleep in my room. Thus, I don’t have any privacy. I mean, her friends from BM are ok and all, but wtf did she invite so many if she knew she hadn’t so much space in her room?

Of course they made something to eat: French fries with fried meat. And they used MY oil without asking me [yeah, I want back that 1/2L of oil you used] and they fried the meat in MY frying pan for frying only potatoes!!!!!!!! Yeah, at least they washed the dishes. But when I wanted to make myself some spaghetti and entered the kitchen and saw all those pots and frying pans and stuff all over the place, I was on the point of strangulating someone!!! MY KITCHEN!!!! Did you use it? Fine! But don’t leave it that way!!! Clean it and leave it as you had initially found it!!! I feel like MY kitchen has been violated! MY KITCHEN!!!

Ok… I’ve got to keep calm… I’ve got to take a deep breath… moving on. When I entered the bathroom the small carpet we have on the floor was rolled up [why?!]. There was water in the bathtub and the toilet wasn’t sufficiently flushed. Come on!!!!! At least have a little decency!

I really think I’m paranoid and complicated. I can’t stand people messing around with MY things, touching them, using them. I love my apartment and I try to take care of it as best as I know and when things like this happen, I feel like killing someone! It’s MY house, do you understand???? MY HOUSE! I feel I’m acting like a total bitch right now, but I can’t help it. I want my place to be as it was. I don’t mind people coming to visit her, but stay the fuck away from my things and if you can’t help it, at least try and arrange them the way you had found them.

I’m so very curious to see if my flat mate will buy me oil, clean my frying pan, arrange the carpet in the bathroom and the things in the kitchen. Oh, I’m so very curious! Oh, and I don’t care if you told me to eat with you or if you told me to go out into town with you. I really, really don’t care!

Later edit: flush the bloody toilet!!!!!! And KNOCK before entering!!!!!!!!!!

Currently:

• Feeling: pissed off, tired, melancholically
• Listening to: winamp’s on shuffle

Today was one of the worst days of my live! I think 19 is the new 13 for me. It sure was a bad luck day.

It started as a normal day, but had gone crazy from the moment I opened my eyes. I had washed my winter jacket and wanted to iron it and when I take a good look at it, it’s ruined!!!! The water was too hot [I presumed] and had ruined it!!! [incident no1]. Great… I take my other jacket, the one I don’t really like and go out. I had to give a birthday present to an old lady, a friend of my mum and the lady live in the other part of the city! So I took 4 buses and the tube to get there. On my way to the tube station the wind blew off my umbrella and ruined it [no2] and I had to buy another umbrella! I waited for a bloody bus for more than 20 minutes [no3] and it was COLD! When I finally arrived at that lady’s house I was half an hour late! [no4] I gave her the present and told her I can’t stay for lunch cause I had to meet a friend. She virtually had tears in my eyes when she told me I upset her not staying! God, that was embarrasing [note: this lady is 84 years old!]. But she made me eat standing at the door!!!!!! She gave me some fish and meat pie! Absolutely disgusting!!!! I could hardly eat them! Yeak, they were awful! [no5] From her place I took another bus but missed the station I had to get down to [no6] so I had to walk about 10 minutes to the nearest tube station. Of course I didn’t place myself on the right platform! [no6] I haven’t done such a stupid thing since the first day I was here on my own. I was late again, this time “only” 20 minutes [no7]. Thankfully, Daniel is a nice boy and he understood.

We then went shopping. I bought My Maria some really nice things, I just hope she’ll like them. I went to Mihnea’s Christmas party and I had a good laughs. You should see 3-year-old kids reciting poems! So, so funny! On my way home the other umbrella broke [no8] and I had to wait almost 10 minutes in the tube station for the train to come! [no9]

Now I have packed my bag and I can hardly wait to go home. I really need a break from all this. It’s going to feel strange to be in Baia Mare again. I haven’t been home for more than 3 months. Uhhh, all those memories. And when I remember that last December I was so happy there it only makes me sick!

 awww, aren’t we sweet? Too bad it’s over. I was out of breath when I saw his pic. I haven’t seen pictures with him more than a month. It was a shock to realize that I’m still attracted to him. Damn you!

Top 3 most surprising moments offered by Cata:

• This summer he went to a concert in Sibiu and said he was going to stay at his flat mate, Ralph. One day before his departure, he asked with a very casual tone: “Ah, I have no idea what present to buy for Oana. She’s so nice she’s letting me stay at her place.” Excuse me?! Since when has Ralph turned into Oana? And who the heck is she?!
• I had lent him some books and before he left for Italy he bought me the books back. And besides them, the book I had given him as I birthday present. And when I looked and at books and saw the book and told him it wasn’t mine, but his, he just said: “Oh…” Maybe you didn’t like the book, but at least you could have told me that, not bring it back to me! Jerk!
• One day we were in the park and he suddenly remembered he had to be somewhere at a certain hour. And he said I could come with him. I didn’t know where we were going or why. We arrived at his mum’s working place. I met the boss and they started talking. About the Internet site Cata was programming for them. And when Cata took out his laptop and started showing the man the progress he had made, the nice man said to him: “Put your laptop so as your girlfriend can also see what you’ve been working on. In fact, I bet she has already seen it, right?” Wrong!!! He didn’t even tell me he was working on such a thing, not to mention show it to me.

And I’m still with this guy? I must be crazy! Really crazy!

The strange part is that the 2 rows had an equal number of books, but I can’t remember which one I picked up first and in which good or bad book our relationship continued.

It’s just one of those days…

…in which even if I had washed myself, I still feel dirty…

…in which my hair refuses to cooperate…

…in which no matter what piece of clothing I put on, I still look like hell…

…in which not even chocolate tastes good…

…in which nothing can make me giggle, not even that cute German guy who did his shopping at the same supermarket near my home and who gave me a big bright smile…

…in which I can’t stand anyone around me…

…in which I hate myself, but I don’t know why…

…in which not even the news that I can buy books from my favourite Romanian publishing house [Humanitas] at half price, can’t make me happy…

…it’s just one of those days…

Currently:

• Feeling: confused

• Listening to: Holden - Sur le pavé

• Thinking about: small, but annoying things

I just had one of those so very annoying conversations with Mum. We started from talking about the Gaudeamus Book Fair to my exams this week and ended talking about the PR University.

Mum: Well, from January you’re going to take grammar lessons.

Me [very puzzled]: What for?!

Mum: For the exam at the PR university.

Me: But, Mum, I told you I don’t want to attend that university anymore!

Mum: No, you haven’t told me that! Ioana, do you realise what you have just said? I can’t believe you’re not going to fight for your dream anymore!

Me: Bleah, my dream…. I didn’t make it to SNSPA this year, I don’t like Alexandra’s university courses and the other PR University is as tough as hell. I won’t be able to pass the exam.

Mum: Yes, you will. You just have to study for that.

Me [really annoyed!]: But, Mum, I studied my butt off for the SNSPA exam, I learnt 3 Philosophy books and still, I didn’t make it. And trust me, I WAS prepared.

Mum: But this time you’re going to have private lessons with professors from Bucharest.

Me [irritated]: Come on, do you really think I will let you spend a fortune on some crappy private lessons? No way!!! I’m not taking the exam again and that’s it!

Mum [sigh]: As you wish… but you will be sorry…

I don’t know how sorry I’ll be, but I know how frustrating it is to be a failure. And I know I said I would take that stupid exam again, but I can’t. I simply can’t. She should know better than anyone that I have never been a fighter; that I have never had ambition nor desired to be the best. When I was sure I was going to make it to that university everything seemed so clear, so into place. I mean, I was sure I would love the university courses, I would be thrilled about going to university; then I would take a master’s degree in PR and start working for a PR company and simply love my job!

No nothing seems bright and pink anymore. I really can’t picture myself as an university graduate. What in the world will I do afterwards? Find a job, find a job, find a job - words that constantly haunt me. What kind of a job? I don’t know if I am able to do something with passion and I can’t do anything with talent - because I don’t have any talent! I don’t want to wake up in the morning and say: “Another day spent in that crappy office, listening to that idiot boss, doing that same shit over and over again.” Uhhh, the future sounds crappy.

On top of this, I miss Cata. I really miss him. We have a very uncertain relationship status at the moment, but I’d love to have him by my side just now. But I really don’t know what I feel for him anymore. I can’t decide about that. I need to see him this holiday, to spend some time with him, to see if he really changed or not. I’m so curious if I’m going to feel good to be by his side or it will be all plain. It’s not that I don’t believe him when he says he loves me. It’s not that… but I really don’t feel his love. He has a very strange way of showing [or should I say, hiding?] it. I really don’t know. But I miss the bastard!

Better be going to bed. I need to change my sleeping hour. 3 in the morning is not a good one. I’m so tired during the day I can’t do a thing. Oh well, just another problem on the list.

Currently:

• Feeling: uuuuuh, cranky
• Listening to: Massive Attack - Spying glass
• Thinking about: lots
• Reading: Alte glasuri, alte incaperi - Truman Capote
• Numbered days: 9 [wow!]

Today was just one of those day when everything and everybody pissed me off. The day started with my being grumpy and feeling like I hadn’t had enough sleep. Then I had to sort out my clothes, to see what I will take with me to Bucharest. I managed to look over only 2 doors [I have a 3-door wardrobe] and I realised I had mountains of clothes that I didn’t need anymore. Of course I’m going to give them to some poor people from my grandma’s, but what were they still doing there? Then Cata came over. Out of a sudden I started acting aggravated. Uh, I hate myself when I do that out of nowhere. At the bank my mum works I had lots to do today. The problem is that the person I’m helping now is, well, a bitch. She hardly says ‘thanks’ and she talks with me like I’m so kind of personal assistant. Duuuh, I’m not! Mum said they have lots to do and it would be nice of me if I could help them. So it’s volunteer work that I’m doing. I’m NOT your slave, personal assistant or good-at-everything girl. I help you only cause mum asked me and I really DON’T enjoy helping YOU. And yeah, I know you’re soooo busy and all, but at least have the decency and say “hi” when I enter the bank and salute you. Bitch!

Even My Maria kind of annoyed me today. I know that she can’t call from her mobile phone and I’m used with always calling here, but I simply don’t get why the heck does she beep me and waits for me to call back each and every time, instead of sending a SMS? And of course it was something I had to do for her, but noooo, why write when she knows I’ll call her eventually? It’s so damn stupid that insignificant things like these upset me, I’m aware of that, but still, I can’t be cool about them and not let affect me. I’m not upset anymore by that, but it certainly had the worst timing possible!

… and here goes the “best” part of the day: my parents told me that we might be going to Bucharest by train. Like WTF?! Come on, I have LOTS to carry and they plan to go by train? They’re insane! The normal question is: “Don’t you have a car?” Well, not anymore. We had had a car, but my parents decided to sell it two weeks before my move!!! And they don’t have yet the money to buy another one. Gee, they’re sooooo smart! And when I told my father that besides many, many, many clothes I have to take with me I still have my books he was so revolted: “Which books? DO you really think I’m going to carry your books to Bucharest?!” Yes, stupid, I really think you are going to do that. I bought those books, they are mine, I love them and I want to have them in my new home. You’d better find a way and send them to me, or I’ll… I’ll… just send them! And this is not all… Alexandra’s mum [Alexandra is the girl I'm going to share my apartment with] called out house on Monday and wanted to speak with mum about things we still have to take with us and organizational stuff. My mum wasn’t at home and I told the nice lady my mum would call her back when she gets home. Guess what? She never called her. And today was even pissed off when I told her to make that call. Thanks for caring, mum! My parents kind of ruined all that magic of moving to a new town. What good will it be for me to be in Bucharest and half my wardrobe and my books to be still in Baia Mare? And they will be there when the university year starts. To tell the truth, I’m not looking forward to moving… not at all!

So it’s just one of those days when you’d better stay away from me and leave me with myself.

Currently:

• Feeling: uhhh, cranky
• Listening to: Moby - Where you end
• Thinking about: ?
• Reading: Interesting times by Terry Pratchett
• Counting numbered days: 118

I don’t know what’s up with me. I’ve been so cranky the last few days! And what’s more disturbing is that it’s not the PMS this time. I feel I need a major change, but I don’t know what. And my hair is also facing a middle-length crisis. Don’t know what to do.

The bad part is that I argue a lot with Cata. And I know it’s not fair. But it seems that each and every day he has to say/do something that makes me go crazy! And of course I have this ‘strategy’ all made up: I ignore him. And then he starts and apologises and complains, which makes me angrier! Uh, why can’t he just leave me alone till I’m in a better mood? Why does he always have to apologies even if it’s not his fault? And today he told me that he prefers to keep all his anger for him, to enter a depression and suffer alone than to be mad at me. Now that’s stupid! Why the heck does he do that? He should yell at me, he should tell me everything that he doesn’t like about me… it’s not even touching that he suffers alone. I’ve told him before that we’re a couple and we should act like a couple; it’s not about me or him; it’s about US.

Distance, distance, distance… I hate this word. It’s officially on my ‘I hate this word’ list. Things would have been easier and normal if it hadn’t been for this bloody distance. Yeah, now I see only the bad parts in this relationship. Like: what are WE going to do this summer? He told me he’s going to some concerts which are taking place this July and I told him that I’m going to Rosia Montana with my friends *don’t know if I am going to make it, cause I had another major fight with Radu last week :|*, but we never said a word about OUR summer plans. Guess we’ll just have some quality time on some bench in the park. *Barfing sound!!!!* God, he loves me so much, but he doesn’t know how to love me. A friend suggested we go to the seaside. /:) Come on, it’s Cata we’re talking about here! You have to drag or push him to do something. He is so easily pleased! Well, I’m not! If he thinks that a perfect summer would be one spent on a bench in the park, well, I have news for you, dude: for me it’s not!!! I can hardly wait to finish with my exams, to know I got in at university and then I don’t want to spend another day in Baia Mare. I don’t want to go abroad. I simply want to go to the seaside and then to Rosia Montana and maybe spend a few days in Bucharest. I’m sure my mum’s going to give me as much money as I want provided I get in at university. And money is not a problem for him. But I know that he won’t like the idea. Noooo, he’s too precious and fancy for this kind of fun!

The same thing happened with the ice cream. There’s a cosy ice-cream shop in BM, where they serve homemade ice cream. It’s the best in town! There’s always a huge queue at the shop, but it’s worth waiting! And I told him that, that ice cream is one of my obsessions and that I could hardly wait for the place to open! *it’s open only during the summer* And when it finally open, guess what? He didn’t eat. Ok, let’s admit he wasn’t in the mood for ice cream, but he didn’t want to taste it!!! Come on!!! He wouldn’t have died if he had tasted it! I felt like crap. Yeah, there’s a thing that I love and he acts all fancy and precious about it, like I was eating I don’t know what disgusting thing. Uh, he simply drives me mad when he does that!

On another topic. My mum’s coming back from Greece today. Her plane lands at the airport in Cluj and my father goes to pick her up from there. He asked me if I wanted to go with him but I said no. Guess why? Cause I didn’t want to be in Cluj and not see Cata. My father only goes at the airport, picks my mum and comes back home. He doesn’t stay in Cluj. So what was the point of me being in Cluj if I couldn’t see him or My Maria? Now I regret not going with my father in Cluj. I think my mum will be upset not to see me at the airport. I’m stupid, I know! Geee, yeah, that was a very good reason not to go and meet my mum at the airport. I feel like I placed him above my mum. And that sucks! Cause I own everything I know/am to my mum and she’s the one I love the most in this world, not him! So this is just another reason for me being cranky.

The least I can do is to study a little. But I’m not in the mood for that! I guess I just have to get in the proper mood and study. Yeah, I think I’ll do that.

As for you dude, I really don’t know what makes you tick. God, you’re a freak! And it’s not funny anymore. I just don’t understand you. 

Currently:

• Feeling: very pissed off
• Listening to: Manu Chao - Malegria
• Think about: nothing
• Reading: The adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
• Counting numbered days: 134 - days left until the 1^st of October, when the university year begins

Nothing much to talk about. I’ve been living violently lazy days for about 2 weeks now. And that’s not good. I have so much to study, but I can’t pull myself together, place myself at my desk, open those Goddamned books and read! I’m always putting it off and I keep telling myself that I still have enough time for that. Well, the truth is that I DON’T! In a moth’s time I’ll be in the exam room. And believe me, I still have a lot to learn.

Moving on. There’s a strange phenomenon happening with my body, to be more exact, with my tummy. It’s getting fatter and fatter! God, I’m putting on weight! This is something really strange new and disturbing. I’ve always had that kind of metabolism which allowed me to eat anything I wanted, anytime of the day/night without an inch of fat to be stored on my body. I’ve been slender since I can remember. Why is this happening now? What’s wrong with my metabolism??? I know I had overreacted with sweets in the past weeks, but I’m not eating even a single bonbon anymore and the disgusting fat is still there. Hm… don’t get me wrong. I don’t have anything with plump people, on the contrary, I simply love plump boys, but when it comes to my body, that thing gives me the creeps. I tried these past days not to eat much, but still no results. And today I had this ‘I couldn’t even care less’ phase and ate like a starving man and now I regret doing that. I just hope it will disappear in the near future, cause it’s driving me mad!!!!

Tomorrow I have to attend my cousin’s wedding. He’s the last cousin in the generation before mine who’s getting married. I’m not a wedding-person; in fact, I almost hate these kind of ‘parties’. In Romania they are horrible. Incredibly lousy music, drunk people, only fake smiles and what for? I hate the idea of going to a wedding out of responsibility. First of all, the ones who are getting married shouldn’t invite people at their married because they HAVE To, but because they WANT TO. Why go to a wedding whose bride is you ex-colleague daughter, whom you saw twice in your life, for example. I just don’t get it. When I brought up this subject with my mum, she said she had to go to that kind of weddings, in order for those people to come to my wedding. /:) That’s lame! I told her I don’t want a big wedding, that I don’t want at my wedding people I saw once in my life, people whose names I don’t even know and she just smiled. I hate it when she does that! She sometimes thinks that I’m a stupid little baby and she always knows what’s best for me and that I’ll change my ideas and I’ll end up thinking just like she does. Well, NO! Let me think for myself, woman! At least at this wedding there are coming only relatives and friends, no HAVE TO people. Oh well, I’ll simply spend the night with my cousins, make fun of everyone and get tipsy with wine. God, I hate wedding music! :-&

I think is the PMS time of the month, cause I’ve been really cranky lately; partly because of me getting fat, partly because I can’t study though I should, partly because I’m thinking more and more about Bucharest. It looks like it’s over with my bohemian life. You know what? Long-distance relationships SUCK! It’s probably this shitty period I’m going through, but this is really getting out of my hands. I’m pondering and pondering about this relationship I’m having. Is it me or is it him, that I do not know, but something’s fishy about it. I mean, it’s like we’re having totally separate lives when we’re apart and we’re a couple only when we’re together. Yes, I know I’m a bit paranoid, but this is something very different from what I’ve been accustomed to till now and it’s an abnormal relationship. I used to talk about everything with my ex; we used to know everything about each other; we used to ask each other for advice and we used to know everything the other is doing. Well, although I don’t like it, I have to admit that this relationship really really lacks communication. Of course I talked and talked and told him a lot of things about me and my friends and relatives and everything that happens in my little world, but I can’t make him do the same. Maybe he doesn’t trust me, maybe it’s just the way he is *yes, he knows he’s a bit more introverted*, but that thing drives me crazy. It would be absurd to tell me everything he does, but most of the times he tells me something after it had happened, he rarely tells me in advance, or he tells me that he’s going to the cinema/theatre/a friend and doesn’t tell me how it was.

Let me give you a relevant example. He said he was going to come this weekend home. Today he told me that Saturday he’s going to the cinema with his friends. /:) WTF is that? Are you coming home this Saturday or not? In which Saturday are you going to the cinema with your friends? Or it’s such an irrelevant thing for me to know. Guess what? He just told me that he can’t tomorrow in Baia Mare. Yeah, thank you. What’s the time? 23:11. Yeah, thanks for waiting this long to tell me. To tell the truth, you could have waited till morning to tell me this. Now I really feel like shit.

And I simply hate it when we argue and he tells me that it’s all his fault, that he’s not good enough. It breaks my heart into pieces. I’m almost crying here. I know I’m difficult and I get upset easily and almost without reason, but but but… why can’t he be normal??? Why can’t we have a normal relationship? When I’m in this state, I usually think about breaking up with him, although I really don’t want that. I don’t know… maybe we’re not meant to be together. I’ve told him several times we’re not compatible, but he said that we are. I don’t know. Maybe we’re not after all.

Our relationship lacks identity. I know I’m repeating this over and over again, but this is not a normal relationship. I don’t know him at all. I’m not myself when I’m around him. I’m trying my best to be the person I think he wants me to be. I miss so many small things my other relationships had. And I feel so stupid cause I’m the only one who sees the ‘problems’ in this relationship. I really don’t know what to do… I thought this summer it’s going to be our summer. It can’t be. In June I have my exams; in July I have my university exam and until October there are only August and September left. We haven’t been to a movie, I haven’t met his parents, we simply haven’t been a couple. We only go out in the park, sit on a bench and talk. We don’t know each other and there’s no way in making up for the lost time. This has got to end… now or in October… it would be madness to continue it after I’ll be living in Bucharest. And it makes me ponder why is it only me who feels uncomfortable, who has issues, who is unsatisfied by this relationship…

• Feeling: dizzy, sleepy, a bit aggravated, powerless etc etc etc
• Listening to: Moby – Where you end:
• Thinking: about him and that stupid competition

I hate this day *Valentine’s Day*. No thank you! Don’t need no stupid day to tell him that I love him, to buy him something, to spend my time with him. I don’t have anything against with those of you who celebrate this day, but it’s not for me. Nope. Never was and never will. Besides, the only pink thing I have is a ‘Breast Cancer Crusade’ bracelet. I hate pink. And hearts. And those stupid things with ‘I love you’. They make me sick. Check this out: www.fuckvday.com

Don’t have any ideas. Oh, btw, Roxa, you should really do something about ‘blogger doesn’t allow anonymous comments’.