Rainbow child

I miss him. And I’m depressed. I just want him HERE. I want to read with him. I want us to go book shopping. I want him to cut my hair. I want to eat oranges with him. I want to see him laugh at the sight of me cooking. I want him to hold my hand on the tube. I even miss his jokes about scientists. I want him to see my apartment. I want him to meet Mihnea, my nephew. I want us to be Coke addicts again. I want us to fight over trivial things and then laugh. I want to complain about his lack of attention and love. And then I want him to hold me tight and to feel all my anger vanishing in just a second. And I want my mum to stop calling him a freak. I know he is one, but he’s MY freak. And I want to sit and listen to him talking about Math and computers. I simply miss him.  

*uRMa - Perfect spot

 

Currently:

• Feeling: both enthusiastic and mad
• Listening to: Damien Rice

I’ve been kind of silent these last few days. I didn’t feel the need to express myself; didn’t think there was something worth mentioning. Next week I have to take 4 exams. I’m scared, but I’m trying to learn. So this is what I’ve been doing: pseudo-learning and reading.

The extraordinary part starts here: I got offered a job as an editor at Tritonic Publishing House. I said “yes”. And I also told them not to fully rely on me until I give them a sample of a text edited by me. I don’t want to get overexcited about this, but I can’t! How could I? Come on, I got a job in a publishing house and I’m not even 20 yet, I don’t have an university diploma, no experience, no nothing! Only the thought that they’re actually giving me a chance is TERRIFIC! Can you imagine? I have the chance to read books for free and get paid for that!!! It’s a dream come true!

Now you get to read the whole story: when I called mum and told her that I kind of got a job, she didn’t even try to sound happy for me or something. Instead she kept on saying that I’m too young to have a job, that I won’t have time for myself anymore. Although I told her that I was going to that job interview, I think she never really thought they would give me the job and I would take it. She kept on asking me why I need a job. And I had to tell her: because I didn’t like the university courses and I feel I’m useless. Wrong move! Suddenly she started being very sarcastic and ironic and told me I can drop out of university any time I want, that I’m not obliged to study and other such things. I never said I wanted to drop out or something like that, I just feel I have lots of free time on my hands and I can do something for ME. I still want to finish university, but why not try to work in a domain that I simply love? And besides, she knows damn well that it has been my dream to work for a publishing house since I don’t know how long.

I really needed her support now. I wanted her to tell me she’s proud of me, that she supports me in everything I do. I didn’t need her sarcastic remarks. I didn’t want to her talking to me like that. How can she not be proud of me? Does she think that working for a publishing house is something to be ashamed of, or what??? I know, I’m not a bank director, but I never wanted to become one!!!!!! For her it doesn’t even matter what I feel, what I want. It only matters what other think of me, what other say of me… why? Why can’t she understand me? She doesn’t give a fuck about my spare time! She only cares about those stupid university grades! Fuck them!!!!! I can finish that stupid university and work! Just let me be!

I’m not that stupid to give up on my education and get a fulltime job. If I get the job and I feel it’s too much for me, I can always quit. But I want to try this! I want to do something for ME, I want to be egotistic this time. I want to try this, I really do!

 

As I was coming home tonight, I saw Alex driving by in his car. It’s been the first time in many years when I walked all the way home with my head down. I give up. For the moment, it’s too much for me. I feel empty on the inside… I feel emptiness of feelings…

 

I feel like hell. I can’t stop crying. Nothing’s the way it is supposed to be. I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know what I really want, what I really expect from this life. I feel like a total loser. I am not myself. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know me.

You know, it’s so ironic, that for some people life starts when they go to university. Now I feel like my life ended before I turned 20. I can’t stop thinking about the future, about MY future. What will I do? I can’t picture myself working somewhere. I have all these childish dreams, but I know they won’t ever come true. Life is not about dreaming; life is about setting goals and achieving them. And I totally suck when it comes to being ambitious and fighting for what I want.

But what do I want? I don’t know. I don’t know!!! How??? Why??? Last year I could picture all my life, I knew what I wanted, I knew what I liked. Now I can’t do this anymore. I’m a loser and that’s it.

Damn it! I need to get away from it all. I need to start on a journey so I could know myself better. I have to discover my true self. I can’t just spend my parents’ money in Bucharest and attend an university I don’t like and I don’t feel good at. I have to find my true calling. I need to find my goal. I thought I was a strong person, but I’m weak, so very weak. How can I tell my parents that this university is not for me? That I don’t like going to classes, that I don’t think that bloody diploma will be of any help. How can I tell them I don’t know myself anymore? How could I tell them I need to spend some time in a foreign country, far far away, so that I could find myself again?

And I can’t chill! And I don’t have time to figure these out! Time is ticking out, I’m getting older and older. I don’t have priorities anymore. What the heck is going on in my life?! I really don’t like the way things are going right now. I need a miracle. I need to be a bright Rainbow again!

 

This is not home anymore. I want to go back to Bucharest. I feel like an alien here. I don’t belong here anymore. And Maria didn’t even say she wanted to wait for me at the train station. I feel so damn empty! I just want things to be just like they were last year.

 

Know what? Just get the fuck out of my life! I don’t care about your whinnings, I don’t care about how much you loved me [btw, I don't believe you ever loved me!]. I don’t care about you anymore! [at least I'm trying not to].

It was awesome at the beginning! I was so lost in you. I was so madly in love with you. And then I started to know you better… wrong move! Months went by and our relationship started to suck. There were just so many things that bothered me, things which I had seen before but pretened not to. And I told you and I tried to change you [I know, it was wrong] and you promised you would change, but you didn’t. I can’t really blame you for that. What I can blame you for, are those very lame moments when you kept repeating that I’m the only one you want and you would do anything to keep me yours. Liar!

And now… now, you simply didn’t get it. You simply didn’t understand that I couldn’t be with you anymore. You didn’t understand my need for affection, for love, for a normal relationship. You didn’t understand that communication is one of the key factors in a relationship. Now we’re not talking to each other anymore. We broke every link that connected us. Hell, you even told me you’re not gonna say hi when we’re gonna meet accidentally on the street. Thanks a lot! You’re 3rd on the list who does that.

I think I have a major problem when it comes to breakups. I can’t seem to act mature and still be friends with my ex. Do you have any idea how painful is to walk down the street, see the boy you once was your boyfriend, remember all the good times you had together and then pass by each other like you were 2 perfect stragers? I know how it feels. And I don’t like that feeling, not a bit.

And I loved you, you stupid! I really, really did! I haven’t loved anyone since my catastrophic relationship with Alex, except you. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Stupid me, stupid you. Stupid me because I though I could change you. Stupid you because you didn’t know how to love me and keep me yours.

Now, again, I’m the one who’s sorry for everything, I’m the one who’s crying her eyes out cause of the cool relationship we had, I’m the one who’s feeling empty on the inside. But this will stop once and for all. No more sorries for people who don’t deserve them. No more tears for people who aren’t worthy. It’s time I became more selfish and unkind. It’s time I became a real cold-hearted person. It’s time for a major change.

This time I’m chasing my own dreams to catch

This time I’m reacing only for myself… myself… myself… myself…

What I am is not enough

To help you dreaming

What I give it does not heal

Your scars are bleeding

What I take from you it hurts and keeps me mad

I should be giving

What I am is not enough

What you need is out of us

Can't rach it smiling

When you fall I kiss the dust

I guess we're sharing

When I'm down you dive with me

Together till we reach the bottom

So what you need from me?

You should not buy what you can take for free

I'm so much less than what you're looking for

You see me better

Well, I have seen it all

I'M NOT ENOUGH

playing uRMa - What I am   on and on and on and on and on and on... and on... on...

I just broke up with Cata. I don’t know why, though. Now really, I don’t know why. He pissed me off, I ignored him and in one of my “I don’t care about you” phases, I said I don’t want us to be together anymore. Strange. Now I have this pain in my chest and I don’t know if this is really what I’ve wanted. But, no, I won’t apologise. Man, I feel so strange. Wtf is wrong with me?

 

Currently:

• Feeling: more than down
• Listening to [over and over again]: The Cranberries - You and me
• Thinking about: this damn moving thing
• Reading: the same
• Numbered days: 4

I don’t know where to start from. Should I tell you first that Cata is incredibly lame or should I tell you that I can hardly keep myself from bursting into tears??? Why not both…

Remember my last post, right? You know that Cata and me were supposed to go tomorrow night to Bucharest and then spend our last day together. Well, guess what? We can’t. Why not? Because Cata is lazy and fancy and picky and doesn’t like to solve his problems by himself. To be more specific: 2 days ago he went to Timisoara to give to the Italian Embassy the last papers and to obtain his visa. His visa wasn’t ready until today, but why should he have remained there one more day?? Noooo, he took the first train home and let Marius, his friend, take his passport and send it here. Of course the people from the embassy didn’t give Cata’s passport to Marius, even tough the latest had some kind of statement that Cata assigned him to take his passport and Cata’s ID card. We were at my mum’s bank when Marius called and gave him the bad news. I knew from the moment he had answered the phone that something was wrong.

Tonight he’s going back to Timisoara and he’ll be back only tomorrow night. My mum told me today that I’m going to Bucharest on Friday morning by car. To tell the truth, I’m so pissed off that he fucked things up that I don’t think I’ll want to see him tomorrow. And this is not a joke. Why the f*** can’t he be more responsible? Why the f*** does he always act like a kid??? This was such an important thing. I mean, he learnt so much for this scholarship and his parents are so proud of him, but no, he couldn’t stay for one more night in Timisoara to make sure everything will be ok!

To tell the truth, he disappointed me bitterly. I’ve always known he was childish and spoiled, but this is beyond any imagination! Uhhhh, I wish I could slap him right now and shake him and yell in his face: “GROW UP!!!” You don’t mess with stuff like this. And now he tells me crap like: “You were supposed to go with me to Bucharest” and “I know everything will be ok in the end with my leave, but I won’t be able to see you”. You know what? It’s not my fault. I wasn’t the one who fucked things up. I know I’m bitchy right now, but I really can’t help myself. I know he’s very smart and all, but when it comes to real life, he’s a walking catastrophe.

Great, 5 months without seeing each other and no last day together. Just great. I don’t know why I still care. I could have bet that something would go wrong, cause it’s Cata we’re talking about. Each and every time things are wonderful, bam, he does a stupid thing. There’s no exception from this rule. I’m so disappointed by him. I just need to calm myself down and stop crying. He’s not worthy.

5 months… great!

 

Currently:

• Feeling: just like a cold-hearted bitch
• Listening to: uRMa - Dirt shine
• Thinking about: my life in the past year
• Reading: the same book
• Numbered days: 51

Today my blog is one year older. Last year on the 10 th of August I started writing here because I needed to tell the world how I feel, what I think, what my dreams and expectations are. I started with the thought that no one is going to read my posts, that no one is interested in my boring average life. Still, I have made some good friends through this blog (you know who you are, there’s no point mentioning you ) and I still feel that this is my journal, in which I write only for me, that I can completely honest within this web page. And this is great.

An entire year has passes since my first entry here… both good things and bad things happened to me; I cried and I laughed; I fell in and out of love; I made new friends and stopped talking with old ones.

I started talking about Rosia Montana; we then went there. It was fantastic! This year is going to be even better, I’m sure of that. I was still with Radu and I kept complaining about my relationship with him. Then Cata and I started talking and I fell in love with him. In December I broke up with Radu and became Cata’s girlfriend. Then I had my little problems with him too. The National Philosophy Contest was next; I learnt hardcore and it was worthy. Then the Bac exams came and went; ok again. I didn’t make it at the university I really really wanted, but now I’m cool about it cause with the Modern Languages University I will become a translator and I can work for a publishing house, translating books :X And here I am, single again, cause it’s official now - I broke up for good with Cata. A rather interesting year and full of events this year was.

It’s so damn hard to let go of someone, even if you wanted that. Looking behind, I can say, hand on heart, that I loved him. I loved him like I have never loved anyone before. I even thought about marring him (and that’s a first in my case!). I was fascinated by him, I was addicted to him. God, I almost worshiped him! I’ve never felt safer than in his arms. I’ve never felt the butterflies than when I was with him. And now it’s all gone… And I feel just like a cold-hearted bitch that he’s the second guy who really loves me and I… I treat him like shit. And I loved him, that’s the most intriguing part! Where did all go away? I wanted to live my life, to meet new people, to have fun… and those thoughts changed my love for him. Now it’s too late to change anything… my love is gone, but the thought of “living my life” doesn’t seem so appealing right now.

In a couple of days I’ll feel better, but I’ll never forgive myself for hurting him. He’s such a sensible guy. Damn, I don’t deserve such great dudes!