Rainbow child

I miss him. And I’m depressed. I just want him HERE. I want to read with him. I want us to go book shopping. I want him to cut my hair. I want to eat oranges with him. I want to see him laugh at the sight of me cooking. I want him to hold my hand on the tube. I even miss his jokes about scientists. I want him to see my apartment. I want him to meet Mihnea, my nephew. I want us to be Coke addicts again. I want us to fight over trivial things and then laugh. I want to complain about his lack of attention and love. And then I want him to hold me tight and to feel all my anger vanishing in just a second. And I want my mum to stop calling him a freak. I know he is one, but he’s MY freak. And I want to sit and listen to him talking about Math and computers. I simply miss him.  

*uRMa - Perfect spot

Currently:

• Feeling: good
• Listening to: Regina Spektor - Fidelity*

Woke up a bit late this morning. Turned on the laptop, went to the bathroom, dressed and danced while singing “Stop, I’m already dead” from Deadboy & the Elephant Man and went to the German exam. The exam was easier than I had expected. Hope it’s not just my imagination

I still have 3 more exams this week. The Economy exam is tomorrow. God, I hate that subject! Totally sucks! At least I’ll be ready with the exams on the 5 th of February. This means I can go to Cluj for a few days, before going home. I can hardly wait!!! Yeah, I already feel the enthusiasm. Spending quality time with My Maria - the perfect way to relax after the exams.

I’m still in my “silence is golden” period. No phone calls, no talking on YM, no nothing. You don’t think I might turn into an anti-social person, do you? :-S But, but, but… I really don’t have the patience for small talks. And I don’t have anything important to say. So, yeah… I’m silent.

I simply love the weather here. Surely there’s something wrong with the climate, but who cares? No snow, no cold… just sun and warm weather and Converse shoes and soft, wool jackets. This is life! Give me eternal spring, good books, millions of oranges, cups of black tea, all my dear friends and I shall be happy!

So… nothing more to say. Guess today I was happy. Just like that. Just that. Happy.

Oh, and talking about bloggers’ desks… I kind of miss my huge desk from Baia Mare

Hey remember that time when I would only read Shakespeare
Hey remember that other time when I would only read the backs of cereal boxes

Regina Spektor - That time

Currently:

• Feeling: both enthusiastic and mad
• Listening to: Damien Rice

I’ve been kind of silent these last few days. I didn’t feel the need to express myself; didn’t think there was something worth mentioning. Next week I have to take 4 exams. I’m scared, but I’m trying to learn. So this is what I’ve been doing: pseudo-learning and reading.

The extraordinary part starts here: I got offered a job as an editor at Tritonic Publishing House. I said “yes”. And I also told them not to fully rely on me until I give them a sample of a text edited by me. I don’t want to get overexcited about this, but I can’t! How could I? Come on, I got a job in a publishing house and I’m not even 20 yet, I don’t have an university diploma, no experience, no nothing! Only the thought that they’re actually giving me a chance is TERRIFIC! Can you imagine? I have the chance to read books for free and get paid for that!!! It’s a dream come true!

Now you get to read the whole story: when I called mum and told her that I kind of got a job, she didn’t even try to sound happy for me or something. Instead she kept on saying that I’m too young to have a job, that I won’t have time for myself anymore. Although I told her that I was going to that job interview, I think she never really thought they would give me the job and I would take it. She kept on asking me why I need a job. And I had to tell her: because I didn’t like the university courses and I feel I’m useless. Wrong move! Suddenly she started being very sarcastic and ironic and told me I can drop out of university any time I want, that I’m not obliged to study and other such things. I never said I wanted to drop out or something like that, I just feel I have lots of free time on my hands and I can do something for ME. I still want to finish university, but why not try to work in a domain that I simply love? And besides, she knows damn well that it has been my dream to work for a publishing house since I don’t know how long.

I really needed her support now. I wanted her to tell me she’s proud of me, that she supports me in everything I do. I didn’t need her sarcastic remarks. I didn’t want to her talking to me like that. How can she not be proud of me? Does she think that working for a publishing house is something to be ashamed of, or what??? I know, I’m not a bank director, but I never wanted to become one!!!!!! For her it doesn’t even matter what I feel, what I want. It only matters what other think of me, what other say of me… why? Why can’t she understand me? She doesn’t give a fuck about my spare time! She only cares about those stupid university grades! Fuck them!!!!! I can finish that stupid university and work! Just let me be!

I’m not that stupid to give up on my education and get a fulltime job. If I get the job and I feel it’s too much for me, I can always quit. But I want to try this! I want to do something for ME, I want to be egotistic this time. I want to try this, I really do!

I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
 

Death Cab for Cutie - Soul meets body

“dar eu mi-am amintit de tine şi, ca de obicei, am zâmbit.
e o reacţie necontrolată. “

Mircea Cartarescu - Zambesc

My skin has this lovely smell

The smell of all your kisses

Lampshade - By and by

Currently:

• Feeling: oh, boy!
• Listening to: Lampshade
• Reading: Baiuteii de Filip si Matei Florian

Lazy, lazy days… I tried to learn, honestly I did, but I simply couldn’t focus on what I was reading. My mind has a will of its own and kept playing tricks on me. Nope, couldn’t concentrate at all. The truth is that I don’t really like the courses from my university. But, like Doug said, I need a diploma and I’m going to learn just to get that diploma. I don’t want any scholarships, I don’t want to go abroad and learn, I don’t want to be the best. I simply want to live; to be able to say “Yes, it was great in my university years… yeah, I learned, but my life wasn’t only about that.” And I want to work. I definitely want to work. It’s not that my parents can’t pay for my stay in Bucharest, thank God we are pretty well off, but I don’t think it’s fair what I’m doing right now: spending their money on useless stuff, not going to all the courses, almost hating the university I’m attending etc. I moved there to learn… and I’m not actually doing that.

Of course there’s always and alternative to learning and that’s work. Maybe I’m pushing things a little to further, maybe I don’t know exactly what it means to work. I don’t want to be financial independent from my parents, I simply want to have a regular income to pay for, let’s say, the taxes. I’d feel much better! It’s not like I don’t want time for myself, I do! I want to be able to enjoy a good book, quality time with Mihnea or a cup of tea with some of my dear friends, but that depends on me, on how I manage my time. I could easily work 4h/day, everyday, because my university schedule allows that. The only problem is, where to work?

I finished that translation and sent it to my aunt, but they have a major project these months and the tourist guides project has been postponed. This means she didn’t have time to take a look at my translation and tell me if it’s ok or not. So I don’t know anything for sure yet. I’d love to have a book related job, somewhere in a bookstore or such. I’m not giving this dream up!!! Someday I’ll either have my own bookstore, or I will work for a publishing house. It’s where I belong! It’s what I love most in this world, after people. I just need to start from somewhere.

And he’s gone again. At least this time he’ll be back in February. It’s strange how I simply melt when I’m with him, how I can be so in love with him when he’s by my side. And it’s funny how I get mad at him and stay mad for days and days when he’s gone. Hopefully, after he’ll be back in Cluj we’ll see each other often. Heck, only the thought of being in the same country is reassuring enough for me. I simply love the patience he has when we enter a bookshop and I look at almost every book. He’s never bored, he never tells me to hurry up, he listens to all my ramblings about “oh, I’ve read about this book/author” or “I must have this one!”. And we even bought books together; I bought some books from my wish list, he bought some computer programming books, but it was fun. But what I love even more are the evenings when we read together. He comes over and brings a book for himself. We sit on my bed, I usually put my head on his chest and we read our books. If we find an interesting passage we read it to each other. And of course we eat chocolate and oranges

Tomorrow I’m going back to Bucharest. It has been a pleasant stay here, in Baia Mare, but I can hardly wait to go back. I miss my room, my books, my laptop, my music, my Bucharest. Mum is upset that I’m leaving, but at least we spent some time today and went mother-and-daughter shopping. And I really need to get rid of these extra kilograms I have put on since I arrived here. I miss my 49 kg! Yeah, it’s time I went back.

* lyrics from Lampshade - By and by

Nervi. Nervi. Nervi. Asa a inceput ultima zi a anului pentru mine. “Utopia” nu se mai termina odata, iar apoi trebuia sa ma apuc de “Henric al V-lea” de Shakespeare. Nici in noaptea dintre ani nu aveam cum sa scap de corvoada “lecturii obligatorii”. Nici atunci nu aveam cum sa ma bucur de o carte buna, o carte pe care sa o citesc pentru mine si nu pentru seminarul de civilizatie engleza.

Tot in nuante de gri inchis a continuat si restul zilei: mult stat in pat, citit in scarba, portocale acre, pofta de cartofi pai cu cascaval, raspunsul la aceeasi intrebare sacaitoare “dar tu chiar nu mergi nicaieri de Revelion?”, “nu, mama, ti-am spus clar ca stau acasa”, asigurari ca “da, mama, iti sta foarte bine cu fusta asta” si “nu, nu arati caraghios imbracata asa”, dormit pe fuga si ascultat uRMa - “Would you feel my word/ More than words can say?”

Am avut putin liniste chiar dupa ce au plecat ai mei si inainte sa soseasca el. Jumatate de episod din “Seinfeld” vizionat, un dus facut pe fuga, o convorbire telefonica lunga, din nou portocale. Apoi a sosit el. Imbratisari lungi, sarutari si “te iubesc”-uri, asternuturi mototolite ca dupa o absenta de 3 luni si o iminenta plecare de inca 2 luni. Iesit din casa pe la 11 jumate, intalnit cu varu’ si plecat spre centrul vechi al orasului ca sa fim cu parintii la trecerea dintre ani. Frig, lume multa, inghesuiala mare in centru, sampanie si pupaturi, “la multi ani si an nou fericit!”, artificii si exclamatii de admiratiei, drumul inapoi spre casa.

Acasa - caldura, pat moale. Franturi din “Henric al V-lea”, “te iubesc, intelegi?”, portocale - dulci de data asta, cicolata amaruie cu alune de padure, Antony and the Johnsons - “And fall depper/ Even than love”, coji de portocale pe covor, un pupic pe ureche. “Hai sa-ti arat poze cu prietenii mei din Bucuresti”, “uite, astea sunt blogurile pe care le citesc”, “mi-ai adus cartea?”, “tu cand pleci inapoi?”, “da, chiar are voce buna Antony”, “oare au facut Weekly Chart-ul pe last.fm?”, “of, nu o sa am timp sa invat pentru toate examenele”, “mi-e dor de matusa si de Mihnea”, “abia astept sa vin inapoi de tot”, “abia astept sa te muti in Bucuresti.” Apoi somn.

1 ianuarie 2007. Am deschis cu greu ochii. M-am uitat la ceas: 12:47. M-am ridicat din pat; am calcat pe coji de portocala si am sarit in scaunul de la birou. Am pornit computerul si am ascultat The Cranberries -”I really hope you’ll always be/ So in love with me”. Afara ploua, nimeni pe strada. La multi ani 2007!

 I love my messy hair!

 Me and My Maria

 Ale and me

 Killing Maria with our kisses

 Ha ha ha

 Happy 3 friends

 Crazy people

 Maria likes this pic very much 

 Love you!

 Talking