Rainbow child

It’s funny how certain songs can trigger certain moods. I’ve been listening to *Set the fire to the third bar for hours and hours and I can’t get enough of it! [thank you, Ramona, for this new obsession]. Although I’m very melancholic at the moment, I don’t want to change this state of mind. I’m almost enjoying it…

Of course I thought about the people I’d loved and the ones I’d cared so much for. Strangely, I couldn’t stop smiling. I remembered only the good times we had together. I remembered their laugh, their kisses, their hugs. And I felt strange. I was so full of love for those dear memories and I was in such a bitter-sweet state of mind, that I couldn’t help myself and wrote an e-mail to Alex - nothing much, but I told him that every time I think about him, I instantly smile. As I had expected, he hasn’t replied and he never will. This is not good, because it means that the answer to the question “Do They ever think of me?” must be “No” and that would make me feel awfully sad. [later edit: he did write!!! and he too smiles when he thinks of me!!!]

Another thing is that only now I have realised that I never actually loved Radu. It was only a very strong feel of friendship that I felt for him. We had so much fun together, I could be myself around him, but I never really loved him. Sad? Don’t really know. But what I know is that, whenever I think of the people who marked my existence, he’s not among them. We were good buddies and we should have stayed that way.

I can’t believe that in less than a month’s time Cata will be back home. It was horrible with him there, in Italy. We still won’t be living in the same city, but at least I’d be able to just take the train to Cluj whenever I feel I’m going nuts without him. Uh, I’ve been bitching about him for more than a year now, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be more than ok. Yeah, it’s going to be more than ok…

And apart from these existential problems, there are moments when I feel I have so many things to give thanks for. I have great, great friends; I’ve met new and incredible people in the last year. There are certain people which fill my heart with love and a simple YM conversation with them makes me cry of happiness. And there are people I haven’t yet met in real live, but who are so special and dear to me; people who always make me smile.

This is my current mood: melancholic, but happy. Not thinking about what could have been, but smiling that it happened. No regrets, no remorse, no tears… just a big smile.