Rainbow child

 I love my messy hair!

 Me and My Maria

 Ale and me

 Killing Maria with our kisses

 Ha ha ha

 Happy 3 friends

 Crazy people

 Maria likes this pic very much 

 Love you!

 Talking

This year didn’t feel like Christmas at all. It has been the first year when I spent the Christmas Eve in Baia Mare and not at my grandma’s, in Borlesti. It wasn’t magical at all; it was just another night. And as much as I hate snow, it was strange not having a white Christmas this year.

On Christmas Day we went to Borlesti and I saw my relatives. It was strange being there after more than 3 months and especially after I had kind of lost touch with the village and the people living there. But seeing almost all my family reunited under the same roof, looking my grandma’s sister, at my other uncles and aunts, at my cousins, I suddenly felt so warm inside. All these sweet memories came back to me. All the years spent at my grandma’s flashed through my mind in just a few seconds. I remembered all the stupid things I did, all the games I played, the times I went to the disco with my cousins, the delicious food my aunt used to give me, the time spent there with them. And I smiled. And I was happy to be there, by their side. In my mind I hugged them all and said a big Thank you! I promised myself that in the summer I would spend at least a week there; I need to get in touch with my roots, to rediscover my childhood.

I’ve been kind of down these last days from more or less obvious reasons, but now I’m “slowly waking from this light coma”. I’m rediscovering myself. I’m learning new things about me. I read some of my conversations with Alex. Even tough they are almost 4 years older, I still remember each and every occasion we talked, the way I felt, what I expected… I wanted to read them all, but I simply couldn’t. Too much pain, too many bitter memories, too much of a self I don’t know anymore. It wouldn’t have helped me. Alex still is a painful subject. I just hope I won’t see him again until I go back to Bucharest.

Speaking of which… now I really feel I belong there. I got an e-mail from Adina, my aunt. She says she and Mihnea miss me, and that every time the phone rings, Mihnea asks if it’s me who’s calling. She really surprised me, especially because we have become close only after I had moved there. I don’t know… I feel so good having them there and knowing that they really care.

And then there are those e-mails or comments or lines on YM which you get when you least expect and they feel your heart with warmth. And today I cried cause my heart was so full of happiness and because someone made me feel really special and that doesn’t happen very often.

Now I’m going to bed and I hope I’ll be able to finish Mort. Look, I’m smiling again Thank you!

As I was coming home tonight, I saw Alex driving by in his car. It’s been the first time in many years when I walked all the way home with my head down. I give up. For the moment, it’s too much for me. I feel empty on the inside… I feel emptiness of feelings…

He had spent 3 months in Italy and guess what he bought me? A bloody toy dog! I HATE DOGS! I’m a cat lover. I don’t even pat dogs, because I don’t like them. And now I have a toy dog. Oh, joy! And he didn’t even buy it from Italy, but from Vienna, where he had spent the last week before coming home. He really did think of me. He really does show affection. He really knows me. NOT!!!! And please don’t give the crap with “the gesture is all that counts”, cause it’s not like that, not in a one-year relationship. I’m not even disappointed; I don’t even know how I should feel. Anyway, I sent him a message, which said something like “keep in mind that I HATE dogs”, and he hasn’t replied yet. I don’t care if that’s mean, or bitchy. He has to know the truth, right?

*typically Cata

My mother’s smile, the sweet smell of oranges, the abnormal heat from my room, my old bed, the posters on my wall and door, the former PC, the view from my window, my rocking chair, my blue room, the familiar faces on the street, my neighbours, the pubs, Tom and Jerry bar, my relatives, my ex-classmates, my friends, his presence in all my memories, my dreams, my books, my minutes passing by, the warm hugs of my friends, hot chocolate, hand cream, The Cranberries, phone calls, conversations on YM, blogging, daydreaming, wishing I was better, waiting for him to come back home, waiting to go back to Bucharest, ice skating, memories, uRMa… Season’s greetings!

I feel like hell. I can’t stop crying. Nothing’s the way it is supposed to be. I don’t know myself anymore. I don’t know what I really want, what I really expect from this life. I feel like a total loser. I am not myself. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know me.

You know, it’s so ironic, that for some people life starts when they go to university. Now I feel like my life ended before I turned 20. I can’t stop thinking about the future, about MY future. What will I do? I can’t picture myself working somewhere. I have all these childish dreams, but I know they won’t ever come true. Life is not about dreaming; life is about setting goals and achieving them. And I totally suck when it comes to being ambitious and fighting for what I want.

But what do I want? I don’t know. I don’t know!!! How??? Why??? Last year I could picture all my life, I knew what I wanted, I knew what I liked. Now I can’t do this anymore. I’m a loser and that’s it.

Damn it! I need to get away from it all. I need to start on a journey so I could know myself better. I have to discover my true self. I can’t just spend my parents’ money in Bucharest and attend an university I don’t like and I don’t feel good at. I have to find my true calling. I need to find my goal. I thought I was a strong person, but I’m weak, so very weak. How can I tell my parents that this university is not for me? That I don’t like going to classes, that I don’t think that bloody diploma will be of any help. How can I tell them I don’t know myself anymore? How could I tell them I need to spend some time in a foreign country, far far away, so that I could find myself again?

And I can’t chill! And I don’t have time to figure these out! Time is ticking out, I’m getting older and older. I don’t have priorities anymore. What the heck is going on in my life?! I really don’t like the way things are going right now. I need a miracle. I need to be a bright Rainbow again!

This is not home anymore. I want to go back to Bucharest. I feel like an alien here. I don’t belong here anymore. And Maria didn’t even say she wanted to wait for me at the train station. I feel so damn empty! I just want things to be just like they were last year.

Currently:

• Feeling: pissed off, tired, melancholically
• Listening to: winamp’s on shuffle

Today was one of the worst days of my live! I think 19 is the new 13 for me. It sure was a bad luck day.

It started as a normal day, but had gone crazy from the moment I opened my eyes. I had washed my winter jacket and wanted to iron it and when I take a good look at it, it’s ruined!!!! The water was too hot [I presumed] and had ruined it!!! [incident no1]. Great… I take my other jacket, the one I don’t really like and go out. I had to give a birthday present to an old lady, a friend of my mum and the lady live in the other part of the city! So I took 4 buses and the tube to get there. On my way to the tube station the wind blew off my umbrella and ruined it [no2] and I had to buy another umbrella! I waited for a bloody bus for more than 20 minutes [no3] and it was COLD! When I finally arrived at that lady’s house I was half an hour late! [no4] I gave her the present and told her I can’t stay for lunch cause I had to meet a friend. She virtually had tears in my eyes when she told me I upset her not staying! God, that was embarrasing [note: this lady is 84 years old!]. But she made me eat standing at the door!!!!!! She gave me some fish and meat pie! Absolutely disgusting!!!! I could hardly eat them! Yeak, they were awful! [no5] From her place I took another bus but missed the station I had to get down to [no6] so I had to walk about 10 minutes to the nearest tube station. Of course I didn’t place myself on the right platform! [no6] I haven’t done such a stupid thing since the first day I was here on my own. I was late again, this time “only” 20 minutes [no7]. Thankfully, Daniel is a nice boy and he understood.

We then went shopping. I bought My Maria some really nice things, I just hope she’ll like them. I went to Mihnea’s Christmas party and I had a good laughs. You should see 3-year-old kids reciting poems! So, so funny! On my way home the other umbrella broke [no8] and I had to wait almost 10 minutes in the tube station for the train to come! [no9]

Now I have packed my bag and I can hardly wait to go home. I really need a break from all this. It’s going to feel strange to be in Baia Mare again. I haven’t been home for more than 3 months. Uhhh, all those memories. And when I remember that last December I was so happy there it only makes me sick!

 awww, aren’t we sweet? Too bad it’s over. I was out of breath when I saw his pic. I haven’t seen pictures with him more than a month. It was a shock to realize that I’m still attracted to him. Damn you!

It happens to me every time things go bad in my life. When Alex broke up with me I cut my hair. For more than a year I looked like a boy; my hair was not longer than 5cm. Now I feel the need for another major change. Yes, this time too I wanted to cut my hair. Funny thing is that I haven’t cut it since I started dating Cata and now my hair is longer than I was used to. But for I don’t know what reason I couldn’t find the necessary force within me to grab the scissors and teach it a lesson. As if my hair is the one to blame for this situation. Is not its fault and it would have been such an immature gesture to have cut my hair. I’m glad I didn’t.

But, nonetheless, a change was desperately needed. Jen changed her blog’s skin. Well, when it comes to choices of design, blog.com simply sucks. No new blog skin. Still, I needed a change, so I changed the name of the tags. I replaced them with titles of songs I like. Here they go:

• Sad, depressed and lonely -> Daffodil lament [The Cranberries]
• Existential problems -> Inner demon [uRMa]
• Happy, excited and all the rest -> More than words can say [uRMa]
• Ramblings -> Simple things [uRMa]
• My friends -> With a little help from my friends [The Beatles]
• Revolted -> War child [The Cranberries]
• Cranky -> Dressed in black [Depeche Mode]

Hope I’ll remember them  :)) Not much of a change, but I already feel better. I think it’s some kind of psychological thingy at the middle of this [bad thing - depressed me - change - ok me]. What the heck! I don’t care!

It’s like 4 and a half in the morning and I can’t sleep. I went to bed at about 3, read something then started to think and to toss and simply couldn’t fall asleep. I still have 3 pages to translate before I send the text to my aunt so why waste time? I just feel the need to write, to let it all out, to lose myself in words, to forget… I’ll be fine. I’m going to get over this. I’m a tough person. I’ve always been. Heck, nothing brings me down [for a considerable period of time, that is].

I’m trying today to change my train ticket. I want to go on Wednesday night home. I’m not going to tell Mum about my plan and if I can change the ticket, then I’m going to surprise her big time! I miss her. A lot. Be right back, need a hot chocolate. Ahhh, better. I’m out of oranges and my eyes kind of hurt. Need to put my glasses on. Need to buy oranges. Need to send a book to a friend as part of a bookring. Need to sleep. Need to eat properly. Need to study. Want to read more. Need to take better care of myself. Too many need to. Stop! I just want to read with him again.