Currently:
I don’t know where to start from. Should I tell you first that Cata is incredibly lame or should I tell you that I can hardly keep myself from bursting into tears??? Why not both…
Remember my last post, right? You know that Cata and me were supposed to go tomorrow night to Bucharest and then spend our last day together. Well, guess what? We can’t. Why not? Because Cata is lazy and fancy and picky and doesn’t like to solve his problems by himself. To be more specific: 2 days ago he went to Timisoara to give to the Italian Embassy the last papers and to obtain his visa. His visa wasn’t ready until today, but why should he have remained there one more day?? Noooo, he took the first train home and let Marius, his friend, take his passport and send it here. Of course the people from the embassy didn’t give Cata’s passport to Marius, even tough the latest had some kind of statement that Cata assigned him to take his passport and Cata’s ID card. We were at my mum’s bank when Marius called and gave him the bad news. I knew from the moment he had answered the phone that something was wrong.
Tonight he’s going back to Timisoara and he’ll be back only tomorrow night. My mum told me today that I’m going to Bucharest on Friday morning by car. To tell the truth, I’m so pissed off that he fucked things up that I don’t think I’ll want to see him tomorrow. And this is not a joke. Why the f*** can’t he be more responsible? Why the f*** does he always act like a kid??? This was such an important thing. I mean, he learnt so much for this scholarship and his parents are so proud of him, but no, he couldn’t stay for one more night in Timisoara to make sure everything will be ok!
To tell the truth, he disappointed me bitterly. I’ve always known he was childish and spoiled, but this is beyond any imagination! Uhhhh, I wish I could slap him right now and shake him and yell in his face: “GROW UP!!!” You don’t mess with stuff like this. And now he tells me crap like: “You were supposed to go with me to Bucharest” and “I know everything will be ok in the end with my leave, but I won’t be able to see you”. You know what? It’s not my fault. I wasn’t the one who fucked things up. I know I’m bitchy right now, but I really can’t help myself. I know he’s very smart and all, but when it comes to real life, he’s a walking catastrophe.
Great, 5 months without seeing each other and no last day together. Just great. I don’t know why I still care. I could have bet that something would go wrong, cause it’s Cata we’re talking about. Each and every time things are wonderful, bam, he does a stupid thing. There’s no exception from this rule. I’m so disappointed by him. I just need to calm myself down and stop crying. He’s not worthy.
5 months… great!
Currently:
I just packed all my stuff. Literally packed. My wardrobe is empty. My shelves are empty. My room is almost empty. My clothes are in huge nylon sacks, my books and personal stuff are in boxes. 6 sacks, 3 boxes, 2 schoolbags, 1 rucksack and 1 bag - my stuff, my memories, my life.
My hands are trembling, my heart is beating faster and I’m almost crying. Why is this, I don’t know. I have only two more night to sleep in my bed, to call this room *MINE. I’m sure there are a lot of things I’m going to miss [I'm not referring to people now]: the mountain scenery from my window, the beautiful sunsets from the balcony, my Coke collection, my posters, my rocking chair.
I’ve been waiting for this day since immemorial times and now, that I actually have to move, I’m scared. I know it’s a normal reaction, but still… I’m still waiting to be there, in my new home, but only now do I realise there are so many small things I’ going to leave behind and never have again. And that makes me sad.
It’s official now: on Thursday night I’m taking the train to Bucharest. My mum talked to a friend of hers and that lady is willing to send her [check this out] truck with our stuff to Bucharest. My parents are waiting for the new car to arrive [uhhh, suspense, what have they bought? Toyota Corolla is the correct answer] and they’ll be in Bucharest only on Sunday morning.
The fact is that I’m going with Cata to Bucharest. His plane is leaving on the 30 th of September from Bucharest and my parents said it was ok for him to spend the night over at my apartment. We have like a day and a half to ourselves. Right now, I really don’t realise that he’s actually going, that I’m not going to see him for 5 whole months. I’m sure we’re going to talk on YM and e-mails, but still… :-< I really don’t want to think about this right now. Hopefully, I won’t cry in the airport and make a full of myself 8-|
Mum promised she’d buy me a laptop but she never brings up this subject anymore. I’m not pressing her or something, but it would be nice to know, cause if she won’t buy me a new PC, I’m going to take this one with me, but I have to know now, so as to send it with the truck. I dread of the idea of not having a computer at all! I know I only use the computer for blogging, listening to music, talking on YM and some school projects, but these are important things from my life and I can’t do without them for long.
Still trembling… I guess I’ll go and read something. I need to forget for a while about my move, Cata’s leave, the new life that awaits me.
Currently:
Today was just one of those day when everything and everybody pissed me off. The day started with my being grumpy and feeling like I hadn’t had enough sleep. Then I had to sort out my clothes, to see what I will take with me to Bucharest. I managed to look over only 2 doors [I have a 3-door wardrobe] and I realised I had mountains of clothes that I didn’t need anymore. Of course I’m going to give them to some poor people from my grandma’s, but what were they still doing there? Then Cata came over. Out of a sudden I started acting aggravated. Uh, I hate myself when I do that out of nowhere. At the bank my mum works I had lots to do today. The problem is that the person I’m helping now is, well, a bitch. She hardly says ‘thanks’ and she talks with me like I’m so kind of personal assistant. Duuuh, I’m not! Mum said they have lots to do and it would be nice of me if I could help them. So it’s volunteer work that I’m doing. I’m NOT your slave, personal assistant or good-at-everything girl. I help you only cause mum asked me and I really DON’T enjoy helping YOU. And yeah, I know you’re soooo busy and all, but at least have the decency and say “hi” when I enter the bank and salute you. Bitch!
Even My Maria kind of annoyed me today. I know that she can’t call from her mobile phone and I’m used with always calling here, but I simply don’t get why the heck does she beep me and waits for me to call back each and every time, instead of sending a SMS? And of course it was something I had to do for her, but noooo, why write when she knows I’ll call her eventually? It’s so damn stupid that insignificant things like these upset me, I’m aware of that, but still, I can’t be cool about them and not let affect me. I’m not upset anymore by that, but it certainly had the worst timing possible!
… and here goes the “best” part of the day: my parents told me that we might be going to Bucharest by train. Like WTF?! Come on, I have LOTS to carry and they plan to go by train? They’re insane! The normal question is: “Don’t you have a car?” Well, not anymore. We had had a car, but my parents decided to sell it two weeks before my move!!! And they don’t have yet the money to buy another one. Gee, they’re sooooo smart! And when I told my father that besides many, many, many clothes I have to take with me I still have my books he was so revolted: “Which books? DO you really think I’m going to carry your books to Bucharest?!” Yes, stupid, I really think you are going to do that. I bought those books, they are mine, I love them and I want to have them in my new home. You’d better find a way and send them to me, or I’ll… I’ll… just send them! And this is not all… Alexandra’s mum [Alexandra is the girl I'm going to share my apartment with] called out house on Monday and wanted to speak with mum about things we still have to take with us and organizational stuff. My mum wasn’t at home and I told the nice lady my mum would call her back when she gets home. Guess what? She never called her. And today was even pissed off when I told her to make that call. Thanks for caring, mum! My parents kind of ruined all that magic of moving to a new town. What good will it be for me to be in Bucharest and half my wardrobe and my books to be still in Baia Mare? And they will be there when the university year starts. To tell the truth, I’m not looking forward to moving… not at all!
So it’s just one of those days when you’d better stay away from me and leave me with myself.
My parents are driving me mad! We were supposed to go to Bucharest next Wednesday and they were supposed to be back in Baia Mare by Sunday. I thought I made myself understood when I told them that I don’t want them in Bucharest when university starts. I need them there to help me unpack and that’s all. But no, why should things turn out the way I planned? Mum told me today that she could take some days off only in October so we’ll go to Bucharest only on Saturday morning and they will be there when university starts. Damn! But she assured me that they wouldn’t come with me at the opening of the university year and they would leave me alone. I really don’t like it when my parents force themselves into my life. I hate the fact that they were present at the festivity that marked the end of high school days. I told them I don’t want to see them there. I know this might sound rude and maybe full of hatred, but it’s not. I’m simply an independent person and I feel that it’s better for me to be on my own even when it comes to “special occasions”. Knowing that my parents were there, at that festivity, made me feel uncomfortable. And they took pictures and all that stuff. God, I almost felt embarrassed, even tough every student had his/her parents there.
Getting back to the main problem. I really wanted to be on my own there, even if that meant I would have felt insecure, lonely, scared. Since kindergarten I’ve been on my own. My parents were too busy to look after me so I had to do that myself. They never helped me with schoolwork, they never took me to school they never really knew what was going on in my mind and heart. By the time my father got sick and had to retire it was too late to make up for the lost time. I was already in the 7th grade and the fact that he wanted to be a good parent and help me with my homework only made me more aware that I don’t need their help, that I can manage doing everything by myself. Of course, financially I depend on my mum, but emotionally I’m ok without them.
Call me cold-hearted, spoiled brat, whatever you want, but I really don’t need them “by my side”. I’m a big girl now.
Currently:
This past week was not at all “just another week”. Due to small and apparently insignificant things I’ve learnt something more about myself, about people in general, about life.
Until I started blogging I hadn’t believed in net-pals. For me, that concept didn’t exist. Well, my opinion has radically changed. Besides pleasant long Ym conversations or post replies, I found out that net-pals could be of a big help. I needed someone to go to the Modern Languages University and confirm the section I wanted to study. Otilia, my mum’s best friend, was in Greece, Adina, my aunt, was very busy at work and I found myself in the last day of confirmations with no one to go to the university on my behalf. My only hope was one of my net-pals from Bucharest. First try: Patrik, a guy I have met only once, but with whom I talk on Ym for more than half a year. I explained the situation to him and he was like: “Sure, no problem. I’ll give you a call when I arrive at the university.” I was pleasantly surprised. I thought he would say he is busy or he simply doesn’t want to go. Half an hour later he called me and I spoke with someone from the university and now everything is ok. Yeah, it’s great when you realise there still are people who like to help others, people who aren’t too busy, people who simply care. I can hardly wait to go to Bucharest and give him a big “thank you” hug.
Still on topic, in a way: from Ym conversations with Roxa and Alina I’ve reached the conclusion that I need a mature, responsible, loving and caring, Byron lookalike dude. I still have a boyfriend, I still care very much about him, but you know how we girls are: never satisfied with what we’ve got, always on the look for a better “prey”, complaining about boyfriends, crying when they dump us, the usual stuff. I think I’ll be salivating quite a lot in Bucharest 
Moving from precise topics, to a more abstract one: TIME. I read on one of DeviL’s drawings, the phrase “We have time for everything”, which is in fact, as I later found out, the title of one of Octavian Paler’s poems [splendid poem!]. Now the question is, do we really have time for everything? By “everything” I refer strictly to what we want to do in day’s time. After carefully pondering I reached the conclusion that I really don’t have time to do everything. My daily schedule looks something like this:
Uh, 24h are not enough for what I want to do! I can’t sleep during the day [oh, how I miss my catnap], I can’t read as much as I want, I can’t spend more time with Cata, I can’t spend more time with the friends I still have. I hate this “can’t”. If you know an alternative way of obtaining a 30-hour day, do let me know.
A funny thing happened on Thursday night when Cata and me babysat my nephew, David. His mum and my cousin came back home at about 1:30 in the night and asked me if I want to sleep over [don't know why she did that cause I live only 2 streets away and I had someone to take me home]. But before I could say “no”, she said: “Wait, don’t you both sleep over?” I exchanged a glance with Cata and started laughing. Of course we couldn’t do that. We have parents, duuuuh. But it was nice to find out that there is a person in my family who thinks that sleeping [sleeping as in sleeping, not having sex :P] with your boyfriend is something normal. That is something that my mum will never-ever understand: that if you share the same bed with your boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean you get to have sex. Parents these days… 
Btw, Cata and me went on Saturday morning to see a play for children at the theatre. It was great! Don’t worry, we were the only ones without children there
Last, but not least: happy birthday, dear Mihai! [yesterday was his bday]
Just a quick update to let you know that I thought about this Spanish - German thingy and it’s not that bad. I’ve even started talking in German with myself :)) It’s going to be a bit harder, but I can do it. I’m a big girl
Oh, and because I pleased my mum, I rewarded myself with 4 books. I’m now poorer with 100 RON, but who cares? It’s books we’re talking about!
Currently:
Don’t know what to do!!!!!!!!! Uh, I hate when I have to choose between two important things. Just hate that. Here it goes: I had a rather good mark and I got accepted at the Modern Languages University for both the German and the Spanish section. Problem is that I have to choose only one and I don’t know which. What’s more, today is the last day of confirmations so I have to make up my mind ASAP!
I’ve been studying German for more than 5 years and I have had even private lesson, but… I simply can’t speak German. I was so disappointed when I was told I had to study German instead of French. I wanted so badly to go on with French cause I liked it and I was good at it, but no, it wasn’t possible. And I’ve hated German since that day. Truth is, that it’s not such an impossible language. I mean, the grammar part was quite nice, but I never really wanted to learn it, so my vocabulary is kind of… it’s not! 
It’s not hard to realise that I want to learn Spanish. My mum says that I want that cause My Maria is also studying Spanish, but that’s not the truth. Between German, Russian, Spanish and Italia I’d always pick Spanish. It’s easy to learn [yeah, I know, I'm lazy] and it sounds nice. If I don’t watch soap operas, doesn’t mean I don’t like Spanish. And I don’t even have to know it. There are beginners’ classes… for both Spanish and German. Uh, I don’t know what to do! Most of the people I’ve asked told me to follow my heart. But my heart is very confused at this moment.
I wanted so badly to study PR and didn’t make it. And my mum has to pay for this university, cause my mark was not that good to get a tax-free place [and talking about that, there were 10 tax-free places and 300 with pay; nice!] and I feel kind of a failure and that I owe something to my mum. Even if I take a beginners class for German, it’s going to be tough. But I feel I need to be punished somehow for not making it to the university I wanted; I feel I need to suffer for my failure. And German seems the perfect punishment. I’d have so much to learn, so much practice to do in order to keep up and be able to pass my exams. On the other hand, 3 years with like 6h/week of German seem like living hell 
Still… don’t know what to do. I’m so confused. I want to please my mum, but I know it’s me who’s going to suffer from that….
… 3h later. Damn it! I’m officially studying English and German. Damn! It was an on the spot decision. “Which one do you want to be your second language?” “Uhm… are there really beginners’ classes for German?” “Yes.” “Uhm, then it’s German.” … I’m such a loser!
Currently:
I’ve been living in this Town for more than 19 years. I’ve strolled its streets, I’ve looked at its people, but I’ve never really tried to understand it. I’ve always complained about the fact that it’s so small, that there’s nothing interesting going on, that there isn’t anyone worth knowing. Now I’m on the point of leaving it and I’ve realized I don’t know the Town at all.
Armed with my orange cardigan, green Converse and my red bag I went out to have a talk with the Town. I love my Converse shoes because they are more than comfy and because of their thin sole I can feel the ground I’m walking on. I feel so free wearing them; I feel I can walk for miles and miles without tiring, I feel I can go anywhere. And today I went almost everywhere… I went from the old part of the town to the park, then to my former high school, pass my mum’s bank, pass the centre of the town… a peaceful stroll, spiced up with a huge quantity of random thoughts.
The smell… the first thing that I was aware of when I left my block of flats and I found myself in the street, was the smell. I could smell autumn in the air. It smelled of ripe grapes, the sweet anticipation of the Chestnut Fest [the fest of the Town], mountain breeze and life.
It’s life that I saw, smelled, heard, felt in my solitary walk. It was the life of the Town, of its people. People in their best clothes filling the streets of the Town in a beautiful Sunday autumn afternoon: children running and screaming, teenagers laughing and talking loud, couples holding hands and kissing, middle-aged people with contented smiles on their faces, old people taking their daily walk. Life was everywhere! In the park I saw I man reading on a bench. I bent slightly and I managed to read the author’s name: Ernest Hemingway. I wanted to go and sit next to that man and tell him that if I were in his place, I’d go and lay in the grass, among the dead leaves, far from the madding crowd. But I didn’t…
I like to listen to bits of conversations on the street and I sometimes continue them in my mind. It’s funny. I’ve heard almost everything, from talks about sex, children, death to vile words, screams and sobs. The Town has its own voice: it talks through its people.
The little chitchat I had today with my Town only revealed things which I have already known. Now I’m sure that the Town’s heartbeats are not fast enough for me. Its people are not lively enough for me. Its streets are not crowded enough for me. It might have a life, but it’s not the life I’m looking for.
It’s time I said good-bye to my Town.
| You Are Grass Green |
 Down to earth and a bit of a hippie, you are very into nature and the outdoors. |
