Rainbow child

Currently:

• Feeling: miah-miah
• Listening to: Bob Marley - No woman no cry
• Thinking about: life in general
• Reading: The lovely bones by Alice Sebold
• Numbered days: 31

I’m just sitting at my desk enjoying a cup of hot chocolate and pondering about life. It’s a miserable autumn-like day outside with pouring rain, cold wind and all the ingredients. No wonder I have a sore throat. What’s more, my computer is not feeling well itself and I think it might just not make it until mum buys me another one

‘Ain’t got no, I got life’ the song played by Nina Simone popped into my mind. I used to listen to this song when I was down and need something to remind me that things could be worst:

And what have I got?
Why am I alive anyway?
Yeah, what have I got
Nobody can take away?
Got my hair, Got my head
Got my brains, Got my ears
Got my eyes, Got my nose
Got my mouth, I got my smile
I got my tongue, Got my chin
Got my neck, Got my boobies
Got my heart, Got my soul
Got my back, I got my sex

I got my arms, Got my hands
Got my fingers, Got my legs
Got my feet, Got my toes
Got my liver, Got my blood
Got life, I’ve got my freedom
I’ve got a lot

Do I have all these and much more? Yes. Do I feel happy about this? Absolutely not. What do I want more? Something to spice up my life. I had a pleasant talk with a friend of mine today and found out some really interesting things. My God, that girl has an incredible life. You know that show on VH1 - ‘The fabulous life of…’? Well, for me, they should make a show about her life. She’s one year younger than me, but she always knew how to get the best out of this life. Guess what? She has a 36-year-old boyfriend, divorced and with a child. It’s funny how I don’t judge her, how I don’t think she’s crazy, how I don’t consider this as being a repulsive thing. You know, every time I heard such a story I thought that girl was nuts, that she’s ruining her life etc, but now, well, now I think this love story my friend is living is absolutely awesome. All that hiding from parents and the incredible feeling that you’re doing something out of the ordinary must be like WOW!

I feel that I’m sinking deeper and deeper in a one-way mundane existence. I want something extraordinary to happen to me too and that doesn’t necessary mean I want to have a relationship with guy much older than me. I simply want to really feel that I’m living my life. I don’t even smoke, I don’t get drunk (yeah, I drink 2 black beers and throw up), I don’t take drugs, I don’t even have regular sex, I don’t run away from home, I don’t fight with my parents (and by that I mean HUGE fights), I go to church, I was a good student, I know I’m going to study my butt off to get a scholarship, I’m going to do everything possible to make my living costs from Bucharest as low as possible, I won’t ever spend fortunes on clothes and accessories, what the heck, in many ways I’m a great kid! You know what? That makes me sick. I don’t want to be like that anymore. Well, I want, but not in that way. I’m tired of trying to please my parents and everyone else. I’m tired of guiding my life after dusty rules and conceptions, after a stupid etiquette. I’m tired of caring so much about what others think about me. Fuck ‘em!

Why do I have to be that normal girl living her oh so very normal life? Why can’t something out of the ordinary happen to me? I dread of the possibility of having such a common life for as long as I live. Why can’t I go to theatres and operas and meet interesting smart people? Why can’t I simply stop a man in the street and tell him I like the way he looks? Uhh, if there are some words that I despise right now, they are common, mundane, trivial, ordinary. Hate you, stupid words!!!!

On the other hand, I love my mum dearly and I never want to hurt her or to do something to embarrass her. I still have my limits, you know. But, but, but… I want something to happen exciting to happen to my life. I don’t care what, but something special. Maybe having so much free time is not a good thing after all. I always feel better when I have things to do. I can hardly wait to start complaining about how much work I have to do for the university assignments and how much I have to study for my exams. I can hardly wait to be exhausted from all that studying. I can hardly wait to crush on the floor crying my eyes out that it’s too much for me, that I can’t learn all that, that I won’t get a good mark at my exam, that my project sucks, but deep inside me to know that everything it’s going to be just fine. I can hardly wait to feel useful again.

So, yeah, give me something to do if you can’t make my life interesting. Just make my days!

It was the first trip this summer and a very cool one. What the heck, it was GREAT!

 The 3 musketeers

 Our destination

 Food

 Stairway to heaven

 Landscape

 We’re getting closer

 Break time

 Some friends

 Landscape II

 Boys conquer peak

 Landscape III

 Landscape IV

 Laughing madly on peak

 Converse conquers peak (yeah, I know, very unprofessional :”>)

 Satisfying my reptilian need for sunlight

 Broken frame

 The usual fight with Radu

It was great, great, great!!!!!!!! Omg, I can’t remember since I last had such a great time… I missed you guys! >:D<

Currently:

• Feeling: very pissed off
• Listening to: Moby - We are all made of stars
• Thinking about: university stuff
• Reading: The colour of magic by Terry Pratchett
• Numbered days: 44

It seems that I have part only of bad luck with the universities I’m starting to think that maybe going to university is not for me, that some kind of evil force is plotting against me and to tell the truth, it’s doing its best!

Facts: FanFest is taking place this year between 25-27 August. The confirmation at the Philosophy University is between 28-31 August. The registrations for the Modern Languages University are between 23-29 August. My plan was to go to Bucharest on the 22 nd of August, to register at the M.L.U. on the 23 rd and then on the 24 th to be back home and head to FanFest. For the confirmation at the P.U. I had my aunt from Bucharest take care of that. Sticking to my excellent plan I went and bougth the train tickets to Bucharest.

Now comes the revolting part. On the M.L.U.’s site it is said that we need to have all our papers in original and if we don’t, we have to bring some kind of a written statement from the university where our original papers are. The same thing was written on the P.U.’s site and when I went there in July to register I didn’t need that thing nor did I left my original papers there. I wanted to check if at the M.L.U. was the same so I gave a call. Nothing. I called again - nothing. Hm… I wrote an e-mail. Nothing. Then I went and bought the train tickets. When I came home from town this night, at about 10 o’clock, there was this e-mail waiting for me from the M.L.U. informing me that without my original papers or that written statement from the other university, I cannot register at their university. This means that I have to change my train tickets for 28 - I arrive in Bucharest only on 29 the last day of registration at the M.L.U.!!!!!!!! What if I don’t make it???? This is simply too much for me I mean, I called the university, I e-mailed them… and not a response till it was too late! Thanks a lot, you jerks! What do you care if I have to travel almost 700 km just to register at your university? What do you care if I come there and can’t register? Uh, I’m so pissed off about this!

There’s still a good part in all of this: my mum never even mentioned not letting me go to FanFest. I mean, I can’t do anything until 28 August so why not have a good time there and then start and resolve my problems? Now I can only hope there won’t be any problems with the transportation to and from Rosia Montana. Last year we had so much luck finding that minibus that took us to Rosia and came back for us. I really have to be back home until 10 o’clock at night to catch the train for Bucharest. It’s going to be a hell of a trip. Let’s hope it will be a trip with a happy ending

Currently:

• Feeling: excited
• Listening to: Blonde Redhead - Elephant woman
• Thinking about: Oriol and Pau
• Reading: same old (:”> it’s like I’m never going to finish this book)
• Numbered days: 47

You are not going to believe with whom I spend this rainy Sunday afternoon… ta-dam: with two Spanish people, Oriol and Pau. I was in T&J with Ovi and Gabi, cause we had a little gathering, we the ex-classmates, and Tanti, the owner from T&J, said to take the two of them at our table and talk with them. It wasn’t the first day I saw them. The first time I saw them I was coming back home from my mum’s working place and Oriol was guarding their bags in front of a shop, while Pau was purchasing something from it. It was crystal clear that they were foreigners. After that, I saw them yesterday in T&J and I took a better loo at them… well, what the heck I kind of stared, but they are beautiful people! You would have done the same thing, I’m sure.

Now, let me tell you a bit about their appearance. Oriol, he got a 9 (btw, I’m going to give marks to all the boys I’m going to meet from now on), is kind of skinny, with short hair and beautiful green eyes. He hasn’t shaved for a couple of days and has this rough look. Uh, he’s so sexy! :)) Pau is very reggae like; has blonde dreadlocks and blue eyes and he looks like a very peaceful dude. He has all these accessories: bracelets, necklaces and all the rest. A real Rastafarian dude. Oh, he got an 8.  Now comes the natural question: what are two hot Spanish guys doing in shithole Baia Mare? They are biking their way through Easter European countries. They took the plane to Slovakia and rode their bikes through Hungary and of course, broke them in Romania. Now they have to stay in Baia Mare till they can find a mechanic to fix their bike. I’m going to be very egotistic right now and hope they won’t find a mechanic soon, at least not tomorrow so I could see then again >:) I know, I’m evil.

They are both 23 years old and still university students. They also play in a reggae band and me and Oriol exchanged addresses and promised to send each other some DVDs: they said they would send me one with their band and I’m going to send them one with good Romanian music and other bands which I like and I think they will enjoy. It was so nice talking with them! Well, mostly with Orial cause Pau’s English is horrible! This is what I mean when I’m talking about living my life: getting to know people, making new (exotic) friends, having the opportunity to daydream without remorse. I’m not saying that from now on I’ll be meeting only super-duper foreigners or super-duper Romanians, but such pleasant evenings like this was, always make me see the future only in bright colours. So now I’m pretty excited about all the people I’m going to meet in Bucharest, about how life at university is, about all the new things which wait for me. Oh boy, is going to rock!!!

Currently:

• Feeling: a bit strangely
• Listening to: Depeche Mode - Rush
• Thinking about: love and other related topics
• Reading: same old
• Numbered days: 48

I had a rather intriguing conversation with Cata. It was, obviously, about us and love and the purpose of life. I know he’s a freak, he’s strange, he has another perspective about life than I do (who doesn’t?), but the things he told me were a bit to far-fetched.

He basically told me that his future relationships would be superficial ones, that he would never feel the same thing for another girl. Yes, I agree with the last part. You simply can’t feel the same way for two persons. There are no two exactly the same feelings. You are not acting the same way with different people. It’s normal and that’s the way things are. But he took this thing even further. I understood that he would never love again, that no other girl would interest him as I did, that he was empty and that’s the way he would remain.

Now, in my opinion, is bullshit. I know he expected a lot from this relationship, I know he loves me deeply, I know I let him down but saying all those things… Each and every one of us have been disappointed at some point in our lives, we have suffered and we have felt approximately the same way, but we also got over that and moved on. He doesn’t even listen to me when I tell him that in the end everything will be ok, that he’ll be happy again, that he shouldn’t say such things cause they are not true. Another thing, which he told me, was that for him it’s important what he wants and if he doesn’t get what he wants, he doesn’t want anything in return. But life is not only about us getting what we want, and he doesn’t seem to realise that. We’re so young, we have our lives ahead of us, it’s insane to say that if he doesn’t have me, he doesn’t want anyone else and that if he, at some point, has another girlfriend he would never really love her. I understand that being happy is a hard thing to achieve, but if you can’t be happy with a person, that doesn’t mean you simply have to give up all hope and refuse to try and be happy with another person.

I know I’m sometimes irritatingly optimistic, but it’s just me. I’ve learnt a lot from my 3-year suffering after Alex Sasa. The first thing I have learnt is that you cannot make a person love you, no matter how much you love him. Secondly, no matter how low you have fallen, you still have the power in you to get up again and start all over again. Thirdly, that there is no such thing as ‘the best’, ‘one of a kind’, ‘him or nothing’ etc. No way! What would happen if we all stopped trying after our first failure? I haven’t suffered out of love for a long time and probably that’s way I can be so optimistic about this subject, but I don’t know… you win and you lose. There isn’t any other way. And when you lose you cry, you curse, you make vain promises not to make the same mistake again, but you get up, move on and eventually fall again and so on and so forth. Always.

Currently:

• Feeling: just like a cold-hearted bitch
• Listening to: uRMa - Dirt shine
• Thinking about: my life in the past year
• Reading: the same book
• Numbered days: 51

Today my blog is one year older. Last year on the 10 th of August I started writing here because I needed to tell the world how I feel, what I think, what my dreams and expectations are. I started with the thought that no one is going to read my posts, that no one is interested in my boring average life. Still, I have made some good friends through this blog (you know who you are, there’s no point mentioning you ) and I still feel that this is my journal, in which I write only for me, that I can completely honest within this web page. And this is great.

An entire year has passes since my first entry here… both good things and bad things happened to me; I cried and I laughed; I fell in and out of love; I made new friends and stopped talking with old ones.

I started talking about Rosia Montana; we then went there. It was fantastic! This year is going to be even better, I’m sure of that. I was still with Radu and I kept complaining about my relationship with him. Then Cata and I started talking and I fell in love with him. In December I broke up with Radu and became Cata’s girlfriend. Then I had my little problems with him too. The National Philosophy Contest was next; I learnt hardcore and it was worthy. Then the Bac exams came and went; ok again. I didn’t make it at the university I really really wanted, but now I’m cool about it cause with the Modern Languages University I will become a translator and I can work for a publishing house, translating books :X And here I am, single again, cause it’s official now - I broke up for good with Cata. A rather interesting year and full of events this year was.

It’s so damn hard to let go of someone, even if you wanted that. Looking behind, I can say, hand on heart, that I loved him. I loved him like I have never loved anyone before. I even thought about marring him (and that’s a first in my case!). I was fascinated by him, I was addicted to him. God, I almost worshiped him! I’ve never felt safer than in his arms. I’ve never felt the butterflies than when I was with him. And now it’s all gone… And I feel just like a cold-hearted bitch that he’s the second guy who really loves me and I… I treat him like shit. And I loved him, that’s the most intriguing part! Where did all go away? I wanted to live my life, to meet new people, to have fun… and those thoughts changed my love for him. Now it’s too late to change anything… my love is gone, but the thought of “living my life” doesn’t seem so appealing right now.

In a couple of days I’ll feel better, but I’ll never forgive myself for hurting him. He’s such a sensible guy. Damn, I don’t deserve such great dudes!

Currently:

• Feeling: a bit dizzy, but OK
• Listening to: Frou Frou -It’s good to be in love
• Thinking about: uhhh, many people
• Reading: Idiotul de Dostoievski
• Numbered days: 51

Today was one of the laziest days I have ever lived! I just stood in bet until 4 in the afternoon, reading and falling asleep from time to time. The cold rainy weather contributed to my current mood. I wanted to see if I was able to sit in bed all day but, in the afternoon, after taking a hot bath I somehow regained my energy and went to My Maria and then we went to Tom and Jerry (the coolest cheapest bestest place to spend your evenings). Radu and Cristoph came at about 10 o’clock and after that the fun began. We talked about Rosia Montana about parties we have been to and he had a great time. I missed so much being with my friends, spending my time with them, talking about those little things which always made me laugh, simply be with them. I kind of broke up with Cata, but we still have to “put things in order”, to talk about the current situation and to try and part light hearted and without hard feelings. Hopefully, we’ll do that.

Getting back to the 4 of us, in T&J. From talk to talk we stopped at a rather interesting subject: giving marks according to (physical) preferences to people we know. Now this was fun! Of course the boys, although they we the ones who made up this whole business, weren’t serious and said that a girl is either fuckable or unfuckable *geeze, the hormones they have!* but Maria and me took this seriously and actually made a top of the cutest guys ever. My top goes like this:

1. The guy I say at the National Contest. Although I don’t actually know him and I have never spoken with him, he is by far the most beautiful guy I have ever seen and he’s totally my type. The good part is that he got accepted at university in Bucharest and I might see him again in some pub or at some concerts. ;)) Needless to say that his mark is 10.
2. (9) Bogdan. This is a guy from Baia Mare and tough I know him by sight from some time and I always considered him cute, a funny incident made me realise that he’s even cuter that I had thought. In April or so I was in T&J with some friends and he was sitting at the same table with us. A friend asked for my glasses and started playing with them and of course, he managed to break the frame. Bogdan was very nice and mended my broken glasses for me and then we started talking. The more I talked with him, the more I like him. After an hour or so I was so attracted by him that I almost jumped on him :”> But, I had a boyfriend and he’s like 26 years old and neah, I don’t think he felt the same way about me. Fact is that whenever we meet we great each other and smile and… he might be coming to Rosia Montana! \:D/ Who knows what can happen there? :-” Another guy which deserves a 9 is Alex, my first love. Yup, still good-looking after all these years and all those kg he lost
3. (8) The One Whose Name I’m Not Going To Write Here Anymore, Doru (a guy from Greenpeace), Baku (an old friend from Bucharest, a great guy and a hottie), Alex - my best friend, but before he had a beard :D, Cata with middle-length hair, Vladut (an ex-classmate), Remus (one of my mum’ co-workers, married with children ), Danut (one of my mum’s ex-co-worker, married), Giuli (my cousin! Ha ha ha, don’t worry, I only look, not touch )
4. (7) Radu - my ex, Cristoph, Tomi, Patrik (a friend from Bucharest), Mihai. Gabi, Bogdan (another friend from Bucharest), Cata with short hair, Stan (an ex)
5. (6) Richi - Cristoph’s brother, Vali, Adi (friend), Andi (friend)
6. (5) most of my friends
7. (4, 3, 2) Sima, Ghita, Mitza and many others

Too bad I don’t have pictures with all of them to show, at least with the people who got 10, 9 and 8. Damn, it’s kind of late I and I want to read a bit, so it’s off to bed with me. Sleep tight everyone!

Currently:

• Feeling: ok
• Listening to: Queen - We are the champions
• Thinking about: nothing
• Reading: Dilemateca no3

It’s so funny how things turned out. I got over this more quickly than I thought and so did my parents. Of course, a mystery still remains: what was it that they didn’t like about my paper and thus gave me that shitty mark? I talked with my philosphy teacher and she was as amazed by this as we were. She simply couldn’t believe it. Yeah, tell me about it. So, I made a contestation - a want another teacher to read my paper and re-mark it and I’m waiting for the results to come. I’m so curious to see what happens.

Moving on. Besides the Philosphy University I also want to study Modern Languages - English and Spanish. And I’m sure I’ll be admitted at this university cause my marks from school and the national exams were pretty ok. Yes, guess I’ll be studying at two universities in the same time. I talked with mum about this and I told her that I am scared, that I don’t think I’ll make it with the exams and stuff; but as long as the Philosophy University is for free (it’s tax-free cause my mark was the 6 th), I will try and attend as many classes as I can and try not to neglect at all the classes from the Modern Languages University. It sounds like a good plan to me. Right? Right. So, after the first semester I’ll decide if am physically able to attend both universities; if I am, I’ll drop the Philosophy University and continue only with the Modern Languages one.

Sorry to disappoint you girls, but I got back with Cata. :)) I’m positive that I don’t love him anymore, but he insisted so much to have “our summer” that I simply couldn’t say no. After all, he didn’t make any summer plans only to be able to spend this holiday for me; then he’ll be leaving for Italy and who knows what will happen in 4-month time? :-”

Nothing much actually happened these days except for the fact that I simply lived violently lazy days. I didn’t do a bloody thing except for reading and listening to music. But now my mum interrupted this no-action life of mine and gave me something to work at the bank. Of course she’s not paying me! Let’s call it volunteer work. I just have to file mountains and mountains of paper; piece of cake! Talking about volunteering and stuff. Guess who’s going to promote FanFest in Baia Mare? Yes, you got it right: ME! I don’t know why I am this excited cause I knew they were going to pick me - I helped them last year, too - but I’m happy that at least this is what I can do for this festival. In the end I’ll still be going and I talked with some friends and it sound promising! Roxa, wait for us; we’re coming!!!! >:D<

Well, that’s about all for now. I just wanted to let you know that I’m ok, that I didn’t kill myself or something like that. :)) Oh, btw, have a great holiday dear Gracie! You deserve it! Have a nice week, my dear dudettes!