Rainbow child

Currently:

• Feeling: stupid stupid so very stupid
• Listening to: Moby - Why does my heart feel so bad
• Thinking about: how lame my life is going to be

Ok, just got my university results: I didn’t make it. I told you I wasn’t at all satisfied with my paper. I was almost sure I wouldn’t be accepted. The bad part is that my parents didn’t believe me when I told them that. They were so sure I was going to make that when they found out I didn’t they simply couldn’t believe it. What can I say? I can’t blame anyone: not the ones who made the subjects, not the one who corrected my paper, not even myself. I always thought I was going to feel like a loser if this happened, but I feel only empty and stupid. I didn’t lose anything; I just wasn’t good enough. Of course there is always next year, but it bothers me that every single person I know had faith in me and was so sure that I was going to be accepted. It’s not that I let myself down is that I let everyone down. I am almost ashamed to go out in public cause I feel I have this huge sign over my head saying: “She disappointed everyone”. And another things that really bothers me is that now I have to tell everyone that I failed and they are going to go like this: “Oh, no! I’m so sorry! I was so sure you were going to make it. What happened? [...] But don’t worry, I’m sure you’re going to love the Philosophy University. Sounds so interesting! And there is always next year.” Yeah, I know that, I just don’t want to hear it from you!

And all of my friends are going to study at the universities they wanted. I feel so left out, so alone. It’s really funny that I don’t feel like crying or saying that my plans for the future are ruined or stuff like that. My parents are trying to convince me to take another exam, at a different university, for the same section (PR) in September. But I can’t study no more and besides, at that university there are 2 exams: a written one and an oral one and I’m positive that I won’t pass the oral one, so what’s the point of spending another month of useless learning? Of course my parents are going to treat me like shit, but that’s another story. Day by day I’ll read on my mother’s face the disappointment and the sadness that I’ve caused her. And she will make sure to remind me that I didn’t pay attention, that it’s only my fault, bla bla bla. I have to admit I’m feeling guilty for this, though. Now I will refuse any kind gesture from my parents: no more money, no more Rosia Montana this year, no more redecorating my flat in Bucharest, no more anything. But I’m sure they are going to nag me on and on about that other university. I just don’t feel I’m prepared for another failure. And when I told her that I could graduate Philosophy and have a master degree in PR she told me that the PR University was my dream and not that. To tell the truth, working as a PR is my dream and I really don’t care what university I go to if I end up working in that domain.

My only hope is that the Philosophy University is going to be ok, it’s going to get my attention, that I’m going to enjoy going to classes, that I won’t regret every single day that I didn’t make it to the other university. Hm… I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. And again the same thought passes through my mind: all my friends are where they wanted to be only I’m on the outside. And that hurts… badly! It’s not that I’m not happy for them or something like that, but I don’t have anyone who can really understand me with this one. I don’t have anyone with whom I can talk about this, cause they don’t know what I feel. Yeah… it’s going to be a hell of a holiday! Now really, I don’t look forward to moving to Bucharest anymore. I’m so idle at the moment. Yeah, that’s the best word for describing my current state of mind: idle. I don’t fully realise the importance of the news I have just received. I don’t realise that I wasn’t able to pass a damn university exam. How lame can that be? Yes, I know, incredibly lame. Now I have to wait another year for another failure. It’s going to be damn interesting this first university year.

I’m sorry if I don’t read your blogs for a period of time, but I don’t think I’ll be able to pull myself from the miserable state I’m going to be in and actually give advice and be happy for you. But I promise I’ll make it up to you. Just let me see how things will evolve here these days and if my parents are going to make my life a living hell or not. So, this is it… I present to you, Ioana the Failure.

Currently:

• Feeling: lame lame lame
• Listening to: Norah Jones - Humble me
• Thinking about: tomorrow
• Reading: The devil wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger
• Numbered days: 65

Today I realised that I’ll never ever truly understand love. It’s too complicated for me. Really! From what I’ve observed things go something like this: at the beginning of a new relationship both people have almost the same feelings one for another. As things evolve, it’s almost impossible for them to have the exact feelings towards one another, so there’s always one who cares more about the other and that makes him/her weaker. And when it’s not you in that position, well, you feel you’re in control. Now this is the point where things get messy. You see all the faults your partner has and you haven’t seen before; you act bossy cause you know you’re in control: ‘Stop doing that! Uh, I hate it when you do that! No, we won’t go there, we’ll go where I want!’ etc. And the poor partner tries to fulfil all you wishes, and whims, not to upset you, to make everything just the way you want. Well, these situations always end up with a break-up.

Truth is that I broke up with Cata and now I’m trying to find the real reasons why I did that. I feel like a bitch. I just can’t believe that I’m doing this again: hurting the one who loves me, just to satisfy my egotism. This is not fair and I know this, but I can’t help it. I keep thinking about Bucharest and all the guys I’m going to meet and there’s this voice inside me that tell me: ‘Well, the years spent at university are the coolest years ever: parties, theatres, new people etc. Why lose all this because of a guy? Cause you know damn well that if you remain with Cata, you won’t be able to enjoy all that.” And the voice is right. I don’t know if I love him anymore, I’m not sure of that. But I do know that I don’t want to be 30 and look behind and regret all the stupid things that I didn’t do, all the parties and trips I missed.

I have waited for so long to move to Bucharest! I have waited for so long to escape this shit hole town. My dreams since high school were only about how much fun I will have in Bucharest. My life was supposed to start in Bucharest. I can’t let my dreams become ashes. I just can’t. I’ll probably be sorry for this rush decision, I’ll probably miss him like hell and cry like mad, but I have to do this. I’m doing this for my own good. God, I hate myself in situations like this one!

Currently:

• Feeling: bleah
• Listening to: Gotan Project - M.A.T.H.
• Thinking about: my university exam
• Reading: Femei de Mihail Sebastian
• Numbered days: 66

I no longer have excuses not to write here. I’ve been extremely lazy this last month, but I’ll make it up to you and to me. Every time I take a break from this online journal I find it hard to write here again. Don’t know why, though. It’s so damn hard to keep all my thoughts, dreams, ideas only for myself. There were days when I thought I’d break down and cry and I desperately needed this journal. Or there were days when I was incredibly happy and just wanted to tell you that, but hadn’t access to the computer. Hopefully, this won’t happen again. I need to let it all out, cause if I keep it for myself, one day I’ll go crazy. So, in this last month, both good things and bad things had happened.

Good things:

• I got an incredible 9.86 at my national exams! At Romanian oral, German oral, The History of Romania, English and Philosophy I got only 10 and at Romanian written I got 9.20. I was like WOW when I saw my final mark. It’s way higher than I had expected. Yeah, I can say I’m proud of myself :))
• I got accepted at the Philosophy University in Bucharest. I was the 6 th one, but I had no university exam. All that counted was our mark from the national exams. So, I’m not proud of this one. But I really need a back up, so this is my back up, if I don’t get accepted at the PR University.
• I’m now convinced that Bucharest is the place I want to live. I truly love that place: the fuss in the streets, the crowds in the subway, KFC, the crazy drivers, the bars, everything! Home sweet home, I’m coming!
• I’m getting along so great with my aunt from Bucharest! She’s such a cool girl and I can talk about everything with her. And Mihnea, her son, is the only kid whom I really like, so I’m going to spend a lot of time at her place. It’s great that I won’t be alone there.
• I don’t know if I told you about the coolest guy ever whom I saw at the National Philosophy Contest, but I saw him again in Bucharest and he wants to study PR at the same university as me!!! ;)) Now really, he’s the most awesome guy I’ve ever seen!
• Roxa called me and we talked on the phone! She surely surprised me and brightened my day! Thank you, dear one! >:D< Big hug for you!

Bad things:

• The university exam totally sucked. It wasn’t at all what I had expected. I mean, everyone said it was easy and that they did great. The bad part is that I felt the same way; not that I did great, but that it was easy. And we all know that when you consider that something is that easy, things don’t turn out the way you had expected. I’ll know for sure if I’m accepted at the university only on Friday. Till then I’m trying to make everything possible not to think of that.
• What the heck, I’m almost certain that I won’t be accepted. I don’t know why I’m this sure, but I am. I’m not at all satisfied with what I wrote in my paper. I could have done so much better than that! Grrrrr! Oh well, there’s always next year.
• I don’t know what I feel for Cata anymore 8-| I mean, yeah, I loved him, I know I did, but I don’t know if I still love him. It’s so strange. All I can think about is that I’m too young to get involved in such a serious relationship as this one, that I’m too young not to know other people apart from him. It’s a contradiction in my feelings: on one hand, I’m so happy with him, it’s cool, it’s fun, he’s great, but on the other hand I keep thinking that what if I have the opportunity of seeing other guys and though I want I refuse cause I already have a boyfriend. I simply don’t know… guess I’ll leave things the way they are know and see if I manage to put up with all the temptations when I’ll actually be facing them.

Well, that’s about all till Friday. I’ve missed you, girls! I’ll keep you updated with my university results and stuff. On another topic, I can hardly wait to go to Rosia Montana. OMG, we’re going to have so much fun, isn’t that right, Roxa?