Rainbow child

Currently:

• Feeling: miah-miah
• Listening to: Emiliana Torrini - Stephanie says
• Thinking about: love
• Reading: Interesting times by Terry Pratchett
• Counting numbered days: 122

Love… I just don’t get it. I feel it, but I don’t understand it. No, I’m not in a bad mood, I haven’t argued with Cata, but I just feel the need to open my heart and mind and say out loud everything I’ve been thinking about.

This weekend brought a change to our relationship.  We finally acted as a couple and had that minimum of physical contact I had been longing for. And now, having absolutely everything I wanted from this relationship, I feel like I love him more and more. And this addiction to him is driving me crazy! I’ve never been like this before; I’ve never acted like this before; I’ve never actually loved before.

All I could do these days was to think about him, read and ponder about love. Love… it’s so strange. I read a lot of books about love stories, happy or sad. A thing these stories taught me was how to get over a rough break-up and move on. Not many of them told me that there are certain relationships that don’t have an end; that there is a certain love, which never fades away. In my mind was a clear conception about what love is all about. Well, guess I was wrong. I thought that you only find true, never-ending love when you are a mature person. I thought that after I finish university, get a job, I’m independent from every point of view, after I met different people and had all the fun in world, I would meet a guy and I’d settle down. Never did I imagine I was going to have a serious relationship during university. That was my idea of love. Love was supposed to hit me when I was expecting it, not now, not so young.

Maybe I’m a bit scared. What the heck am I talking about? Hell, yeah, I’m scared! It’s all so new, pure, perfect, serious that it gives me the creeps. He is so sure we’re meant to be, that we belong together! I can’t say I don’t feel the same thing, but there’s something holding me back from believing in those kind of words 100%. During my other relationships I knew there was going to be a day when I was going to say ‘bye’. I never imagined myself actually having a long-term relationship with any of my ex-boyfriends. I just knew they weren’t right for me, that I wanted to know and meet as many interesting people as possible, that I wanted to live my life. As strange as it might seem, now I can’t picture myself not having a long-term relationship with Cata! :-O I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t care about ‘living my life’, about ‘interesting people’, about ‘having fun’. All I know is that for me he is perfect and THIS relationship is the one I’ve always wanted. Of course, there are things that I don’t like about him and vice versa, but we always seem to get over them and reach the same conclusion after every quarrel: we love each other and we don’t ever want to let go of this relationship.

Ok. Forever seems a very powerful adverb, doesn’t it? Well, it is. I mean, we both had other relationships before, we both loved (?) and were loved, we had someone to care about us, we had fun with other people, we thought it was perfect (?). Why wasn’t it quite that way? What was that we didn’t like at our exs? Why didn’t we feel comfortable with them? Why didn’t we say ‘I want to be with you forever’? Why do we say ‘forever’ now? Why do we consider this relationship to be the best? See my point? I can’t help wondering if this is not just a phase, if this relationship is not going to be just like the ones before it.

This kind of questions doesn’t affect my feelings for him or our relationship. I simply want to figure out how love is actually working. It’s a peaceful pondering. So… like I’ve said, I have my doubts. Maybe is just a form of self-protection. If I accept the fact that this relationship has an end, then I won’t be as depressed and sad when that end would come, as I would be if I didn’t believe such thing was possible. When I told him that everything fades away at a point, he said that thing happens only if you want it to happen. Hm… what if he is right? I feel like I’m trying to convince myself that Cata is not the one for me, that someday we will have to break up, that this won’t last forever. Instead of leaving things follow their own path, I’m constantly asking myself tons of questions. And another thing… I told him that only time could tell if this is actually THE relationship. He replied he felt powerless and he didn’t think it was fair to wait and see when he already knew the answer. Yeah, he definitely doesn’t have so many questions and doubts as I do. Good for him!

Another thing that it’s still a mystery for me, is how the heck do people know that X is the right person for them? How can you be sure that X is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? And please, don’t tell me that you simply feel that. It has to be something more than that, something rational, not entirely emotional. Right know, I wish there was a map for love. A thingy which tells me why I feel this way about him, why we say ‘forever’, why we are together. I know that feelings are unpredictable and changeable, but for the first time in my life I wish they weren’t so abstract and they would be rational and obvious. Getting back to The One mystery. I mean, the great majority of people had previous relationship before the ‘final’ one. So what was wrong with the previous lovers? Why weren’t they The Ones? What makes people keep searching and searching for The One? And how do we know that we found him? Is it that obvious this One thing? :-/ These things really puzzle me.

I guess, in the end, it really is time the one which can actually say if you made the right decision or not. I just have to let time tell me if Cata is The One or if I have to keep on searching.

I just had to post this! He’s adorable! :X Love you, my dude!

Currently:

• Feeling: better
• Listening to: Moby - First cool hive
• Thinking about: lots of things
• Reading: The adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
• Counting numbered days: 132

Uh, I have lots of ‘debatable’ topics for you this time. Let the fun begin. First of all, I want to tell you about an incident that occurred at yesterday’s wedding. One of my cousins got married yesterday. It was far better than I had expected, but still I didn’t stay till the end. Anyway, that’s not the point. My cousin is Romanian and his wife is Hungarian so after much thought and consideration, not having the same religion, they agreed to have the religious wedding at her church, with the condition that the ceremony to be held in Romanian, so that us, my cousin’s family to be able to understand. Erika, the bride, and her mum talked with their priest and he agreed on that little issue. We entered the church, stared a little (it was the first time we were in that kind of church) and took our places.  The groom entered then the bride and then it was silence. A moment of fussing around and then it happened: the priest started talking in Hungarian. Consternation on everyone’s faces. From that moment on, my cousin didn’t take his eyes off of Erika. Man, he looked so angry! The priest went on talking in Hungarian, I giggled with another cousins (don’t ask me with we thought it was amusing) then Dani, the groom, said: ‘Please, speak Romanian.’ Consternation on the priest’s face. Dani repeated: ‘Please, speak Romanian.’ Then the priest said, in a low voice, but not low enough for us, the ones seated in the first rows not no hear: ‘If you don’t like it you can leave, but I’m not having this ceremony in Romanian.’ Erika’s mum stood up and told Dani not be angry cause the priest was going to speak both Hungarian and Romanian. He was still angry but didn’t say a word. The only things the priest said in Romanian were those words addresses to Dani, a prayer and their vows. He wanted to make Erika say her vow in Hungarian, but she refused.

I’ve had an Hungarian boyfriend, I know how difficult these inter-ethnic relationships can be, and I know that this stupid fight between Romanians and Hungarians still exists, but what that priest did was totally inadequate with the situation. Come on, he said he was going to have the ceremony in Romanian, or at least he should have told everyone in the church that it’s going to be a bilingual ceremony, not drop that on us like a bomb. I want to believe I’m an open-minded person when it comes to religion, ethnicity and all that stuff, but I couldn’t help muttering a ‘curva boszmeg’ after I left the church. No, that wasn’t something a priest should have done. Especially a priest!

The thing I liked most about this wedding was its simplicity. I haven’t been to a lot of wedding, but I assure you, this was the most normal yet. No fancy dressed people, I almost can say they were more casual dressed than ‘wedding dressed’. And there weren’t many people invited, only members of the family and some close friends. I liked that. At about 10:30 in the night Radu, my ex *we’re very good friends now; thank God, we got over that dim period* , came and took be back to town. It was one of our friend’s birthday party and we celebrated with beer and chips. We talked and laughed and had a very pleasant night together. You can imagine that after a beer and a half I was already tipsy. :)) I laughed and laughed and laughed. I got home at about 2 in the morning. In front of our block of flats was my mum’s car. Man, my heart stopped beating. I didn’t tell my parents I was going to out and I had forgot my phone in our car. I thought I was in BIG trouble. On the stairs I made up all kind of excuses in my mind and I hoped my mum wasn’t dead worried about me. But, suddenly, it hit me: they left with our other car!!!!! =)) Man, I was happy! :)) I ran up the stairs, entered the apartment and started laughing. God, I though I was dead meat for a few minutes! :)) All’s well when it ends well.

I had a long and pessimistic talk with Cata before the wedding. Guess what? Now he tells me that he’s not going for his master degree in another country, but he thinks of coming to Bucharest. I mean, that’s FABULOUS, but why the heck didn’t he tell me this sooner? I kept making plans and pondering: well, I’ll be in Bucharest starting from this October, he’ll still be in Cluj. Well, as long as he’s in Romania it’s ok. What about when he’ll be gone? What will happen? Does this relationship have a future? Uh, those thoughts slowly killed me. But talking with him really eased my mind. He showed me that because of the distance we can’t have the ‘normal’ relationship I long for, but he knows we’re meant to be *that was incredibly sweet* and that someday, it will be just the way we want it to be. And he told me he’s considering moving to Bucharest after finishing university to do his master degree. All my worries vanished that moment. I feel so good know knowing that someday, some time in the future, we’ll have the relationship we always wanted and we’ll make up for the days we’ve been apart. And he keep saying that I’m the one for him and he knows we’re meant to be and stuff like that. Maybe we’re not, but now it feels damn good to think otherwise! So, it looks like the clouds have disappeared, the sun is shining once again, birds are singing and love is all I feel now. >:D< Hugs to you all!

Currently:

• Feeling: very pissed off
• Listening to: Manu Chao - Malegria
• Think about: nothing
• Reading: The adventures of Tom Sawyer by Mark Twain
• Counting numbered days: 134 - days left until the 1^st of October, when the university year begins

Nothing much to talk about. I’ve been living violently lazy days for about 2 weeks now. And that’s not good. I have so much to study, but I can’t pull myself together, place myself at my desk, open those Goddamned books and read! I’m always putting it off and I keep telling myself that I still have enough time for that. Well, the truth is that I DON’T! In a moth’s time I’ll be in the exam room. And believe me, I still have a lot to learn.

Moving on. There’s a strange phenomenon happening with my body, to be more exact, with my tummy. It’s getting fatter and fatter! God, I’m putting on weight! This is something really strange new and disturbing. I’ve always had that kind of metabolism which allowed me to eat anything I wanted, anytime of the day/night without an inch of fat to be stored on my body. I’ve been slender since I can remember. Why is this happening now? What’s wrong with my metabolism??? I know I had overreacted with sweets in the past weeks, but I’m not eating even a single bonbon anymore and the disgusting fat is still there. Hm… don’t get me wrong. I don’t have anything with plump people, on the contrary, I simply love plump boys, but when it comes to my body, that thing gives me the creeps. I tried these past days not to eat much, but still no results. And today I had this ‘I couldn’t even care less’ phase and ate like a starving man and now I regret doing that. I just hope it will disappear in the near future, cause it’s driving me mad!!!!

Tomorrow I have to attend my cousin’s wedding. He’s the last cousin in the generation before mine who’s getting married. I’m not a wedding-person; in fact, I almost hate these kind of ‘parties’. In Romania they are horrible. Incredibly lousy music, drunk people, only fake smiles and what for? I hate the idea of going to a wedding out of responsibility. First of all, the ones who are getting married shouldn’t invite people at their married because they HAVE To, but because they WANT TO. Why go to a wedding whose bride is you ex-colleague daughter, whom you saw twice in your life, for example. I just don’t get it. When I brought up this subject with my mum, she said she had to go to that kind of weddings, in order for those people to come to my wedding. /:) That’s lame! I told her I don’t want a big wedding, that I don’t want at my wedding people I saw once in my life, people whose names I don’t even know and she just smiled. I hate it when she does that! She sometimes thinks that I’m a stupid little baby and she always knows what’s best for me and that I’ll change my ideas and I’ll end up thinking just like she does. Well, NO! Let me think for myself, woman! At least at this wedding there are coming only relatives and friends, no HAVE TO people. Oh well, I’ll simply spend the night with my cousins, make fun of everyone and get tipsy with wine. God, I hate wedding music! :-&

I think is the PMS time of the month, cause I’ve been really cranky lately; partly because of me getting fat, partly because I can’t study though I should, partly because I’m thinking more and more about Bucharest. It looks like it’s over with my bohemian life. You know what? Long-distance relationships SUCK! It’s probably this shitty period I’m going through, but this is really getting out of my hands. I’m pondering and pondering about this relationship I’m having. Is it me or is it him, that I do not know, but something’s fishy about it. I mean, it’s like we’re having totally separate lives when we’re apart and we’re a couple only when we’re together. Yes, I know I’m a bit paranoid, but this is something very different from what I’ve been accustomed to till now and it’s an abnormal relationship. I used to talk about everything with my ex; we used to know everything about each other; we used to ask each other for advice and we used to know everything the other is doing. Well, although I don’t like it, I have to admit that this relationship really really lacks communication. Of course I talked and talked and told him a lot of things about me and my friends and relatives and everything that happens in my little world, but I can’t make him do the same. Maybe he doesn’t trust me, maybe it’s just the way he is *yes, he knows he’s a bit more introverted*, but that thing drives me crazy. It would be absurd to tell me everything he does, but most of the times he tells me something after it had happened, he rarely tells me in advance, or he tells me that he’s going to the cinema/theatre/a friend and doesn’t tell me how it was.

Let me give you a relevant example. He said he was going to come this weekend home. Today he told me that Saturday he’s going to the cinema with his friends. /:) WTF is that? Are you coming home this Saturday or not? In which Saturday are you going to the cinema with your friends? Or it’s such an irrelevant thing for me to know. Guess what? He just told me that he can’t tomorrow in Baia Mare. Yeah, thank you. What’s the time? 23:11. Yeah, thanks for waiting this long to tell me. To tell the truth, you could have waited till morning to tell me this. Now I really feel like shit.

And I simply hate it when we argue and he tells me that it’s all his fault, that he’s not good enough. It breaks my heart into pieces. I’m almost crying here. I know I’m difficult and I get upset easily and almost without reason, but but but… why can’t he be normal??? Why can’t we have a normal relationship? When I’m in this state, I usually think about breaking up with him, although I really don’t want that. I don’t know… maybe we’re not meant to be together. I’ve told him several times we’re not compatible, but he said that we are. I don’t know. Maybe we’re not after all.

Our relationship lacks identity. I know I’m repeating this over and over again, but this is not a normal relationship. I don’t know him at all. I’m not myself when I’m around him. I’m trying my best to be the person I think he wants me to be. I miss so many small things my other relationships had. And I feel so stupid cause I’m the only one who sees the ‘problems’ in this relationship. I really don’t know what to do… I thought this summer it’s going to be our summer. It can’t be. In June I have my exams; in July I have my university exam and until October there are only August and September left. We haven’t been to a movie, I haven’t met his parents, we simply haven’t been a couple. We only go out in the park, sit on a bench and talk. We don’t know each other and there’s no way in making up for the lost time. This has got to end… now or in October… it would be madness to continue it after I’ll be living in Bucharest. And it makes me ponder why is it only me who feels uncomfortable, who has issues, who is unsatisfied by this relationship…

• Feeling: so very happy and full of energy
  
• Listening to: The Dandy Warhols – Bohemian like you
  
• Thinking about: my life
  
• Reading: Baroane! by Mircea Cartarescu
  

 
Today I realised how bohemian my life really is. I thought that the 12^th grade was going to be stressful and I’m going to be very busy and not have time for anything else except for studying. It was like that in the first semester, but now I couldn’t even care less about classes. Each and every morning I have the same monologue: ‘What classes do I have today? Hm… Neah, I think I’ll skip the first two, then stay for the next 3 and come back home.’ The teachers don’t complain that we don’t go to classes and everyone is happy with the current situation. Or if I stay during a class that I don’t have for my Bac exam I simply don’t listen to what the teacher is saying. I know that’s not very nice, but I have almost a month till that exam and I really don’t want to waste my time with stuff that I don’t need.
 
Today I went to school from 10 o’clock cause I skipped the first two classes. I stayed at the History class and after that we were supposed to have 2 hours of Romanian, but our teacher didn’t come. After that we had a Philosophy class, but neah, why stay when I had finished the course book? So, Ale, Raisa, Georgi and me went home. Of course we stopped and entered shops, we laughed and talk about a lot of crazy stuff. I bought some sweets and kept eating although I had said that I’m getting fat. :)) Then I saw this little windmill, you know, that kind of thing little children like. Of course I bought it. I was so happy! I kept going round to make it spin! :)) It was awesome!
 
When I got out of the shop with that windmill I realised that I have a bohemian life. No stress from school (at least not now), no need to stay all the classes at school, I always get money to buy myself as many sweets as I want, I seem to find only cool clothes at the second hand shop, my parents don’t stress me with my exams… yeah, everything is the way it’s supposed to be. I could picture myself in Bucharest wandering around the city, buying sweets and books, looking at clothes and silver bracelets… that’s the life I want to have! Of course school is going to remain my priority, but I don’t want my life in Bucharest to resume only to that. I hope I’ll manage to still have good marks and to be able to have lots of fun in the same time.
 
Just now I’m not afraid of moving there. I’m not sorry for what I leave behind, I don’t have any regrets. I know my place is there, in Bucharest, and I’m going to give my best to make that city my new home. It’s going to be great!!! Only 5 months left…  

Currently:

• Feeling: sleepy
• Listening to: Emiliana Torrini - Sunny road
• Thinking about: a discussion we had in class today
• Reading: Junky by W.S. Burroughs

I am revolted. I’ve told my friends many times that I’m a revolted human being, but only today did I realise that I really am one. When I hear somebody talking crap I just can’t help myself and I tell him what I think of that subject. Or when I see somebody acting stupid, again, I can’t shut up and revolt against such a moron attitude. So, yeah, I’m revolted. But that doesn’t mean I can’t accept comments and opinions, which are not similar to mine. But not that’s not the point I’m trying to make here.

Instead of the Latin teacher came a nice looking lady who was a sort of family counsel. This lady wanted to tell us more about marriage and relationships. It sounded like fun so everyone was very attentive. She asked us what we expect our lovers to be like and all kind of questions. There are 2 girls in my class whom are known to be very religious. I believe in God and I like going to church and all that stuff, but they are a bit more into this than most of us, if you know what I mean. *and I’m sure you know :)*

Finally, the trickiest question of all came: ‘Now, tell me what do you think of sex before marriage?’ Although I’m not very into this sex business and I have other colleagues who have boyfriends and active sexual relationships, I was the one to say ‘I totally agree with it’. There were a few moments of silence in the classroom and then the normal buzz and noise. Of course, the class divided into two parts: the ones who thought sex before marriage was ok and the ones who were against it. Like I’ve said, I can accept other opinions and ideas, but as long as the person doesn’t try to convince me that his/her idea is the best. Ok, dude, I got it: you think that, I think this, we don’t agree on this one, but don’t try to make me think like you do. You know, we live in a democratic country: freedom of speech and thought is allowed, so let me think and speak for myself.

What actually revolted me big time were 2 ideas.

• After some debate on this subject, the nice lady said something like this: ‘Yeah, but don’t you think that if you have sex before marriage, when you’ll get to have sex with your husband and he’ll realise you’re not a virgin, won’t he feel disappointed and ask himself how many men you had before him?’

Dude, that sucked. I mean, come on, how can she believe that if two people are having a serious relationship, they don’t know about each others ex-partners and sexual relationships and they get married, spend the wedding night together and boom, only then does he find out that she’s not a virgin anymore. Now that’s completely idiotic.

• One of those very religious colleagues of mine made this statement: ‘Boys want to have sex and whey they ask a girl to have sex with them and she says yes, then they consider her a whore. If she says no, then they don’t like her anymore.’

Ooook… I understand that she wants to be ‘pure’ when she marries, but to make such a statement, it’s a bit too much. And, God, was she convinced when she said that!

I really don’t get it. Why is this fuss about not having sex before marriage??? Come one, do you actually believe that boys can remain virgins until then? I truly doubt that. So what’s the point of you, as a girl, remaining a virgin, when your husband won’t be one? Michael Foucault said that the society is like a system with a certain structure, structure which changes with the epoch. So, if in the 18^th or 19^th century the structure said that girls had to be virgins in order to be considered decent girls and in order to be able to get married, everyone knew that men had all the women they wanted before getting married and even after that. And I think this is totally wrong. Why say a woman is a whore if she had previous sexual relationships and consider this something normal when it comes to men. But we’re not living in those centuries, for crying out loud. We’re in the 21^st century and no one expects of you to be a virgin when you marry, not even the one you marry. The structure of the system has changed. I don’t have anything against the people who want to be virgins when they marry, but from what I saw today in class, those people are kind of narrow-minded.

I really don’t think my parents hadn’t had sex before they got married. Probably my father was my mum’s first man and he’ll be her one and last, but I really, really don’t think they waited 3 or 4 years before having sex, especially when they were living in Bucharest, far away from their parents.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that sleeping with a lot of people is ok, or having one-night stands, which involve sex, is all right, but when you’re in a relationship and you love and trust your partner, sex is something normal. Of course the Church doesn’t allow such kind of things, but that’s a risk you assume when you’re in a relationship. And if you’re not a religious person, well, you couldn’t even care less about what the Church condemns or not.

My point is that I really hate narrow-minded people and that I’m truly a revolted person. And about the sex before marriage part: I totally agree with it. So, come on, be honest and tell me what you think of this. I’m really curious to find out.

Oh, I had a pleasant surprise today. After that class we got together and talked the problem over. Guess what? A colleagues of mine, whom I call Ice Princes cause she doesn’t talk with the rest of us and she always has that superior air, said that she agrees with me. And she was sincere. Wow, that was something. She was the last girl from my class whom I’d thought would agree with me. That was a pleasant surprise.   

This is just a short post to brag a little. :)) A friend of my mum is coming from Canada to Romania this month and she said she wants to buy me something. So, I thought of some cool books, but my mum said she can’t bring me books cause they are heavy and she already has a lot of luggage. So, I pondered and I pondered and … I came up with this:

Yup, I’ve been crazy over them since I saw them. In Romania you can’t find cool and unconventional models. The stores here (and by that I mean the big stores from Bucharest, Cluj, Timisoara - the big cities) have only the clasic models and only a few more out of the ordinary. Not many people like this model, but for me is THE ONE: it’s green with leaves all over. Very Greenpeace style! I love them!

Anyway, I e-mailed the page to my mum’s friend and I hope she got the idea! And if she can’t find this model, well, I’ll just have to be satisfied with whatever she brings me. But I’m sure that I’ll be happy no matter what model I’ll receive. So, HAPPY ME!

The little problem with Cata is kind of solved. I wrote him a mail, told him everything and it looks like we’re on the right track. I’m happy I told him that. I don’t ever want to lose him! I just love him so much! He’s my anti-social, not talkative with people he doesn’t know, fluffy, very smart, incredibly cute dude! :))