Rainbow child

Currently:

• Feeling: happy
• Listening to: Stevie Nicks - One winged dove
• Thinking about: just so many things
• Reading: Light in August by William Faulkner

So, I’m back and I have so many things to tell you. I got back from Oradea last week, but for I don’t know what reason, I wasn’t in the necessary mood to upload my blog. I don’t know exactly what’s up with me, but I don’t feel the need to write here anymore. I’m sure I won’t stop writing and this is just a phase I’m going through, but nonetheless, this post is written only for you girls and not for me.

Where should I begin? Well, the trip to Oradea was great from all points of view. The 2 teachers who were with us were extremely cool and we had a great time there. The girls I shared the room with were all so very nice and we got along very well! We were 7 girls in a room, cause in Oradea, besides the Philosophy contest there were also the Economy, Sociology, Psychology contests. So, like I’ve said, we had a great, great time there! What’s more, it was the ‘bestest’ trip ever. Yeah, I’ll never forget it. About the contest… it was interesting. I didn’t learn very much for it and I knew I wasn’t prepared for it, so I didn’t have any hopes in receiving a diploma. And when I saw the subjects, I was like: ‘OMG, what am I supposed to write here? What does this text really says?’ Uhhh, those subjects were extremely difficult. I wrote everything I thought I should write and then I waited for the results… the other girls were so satisfied with what they had written and they were so happy. I was the only one who was unsatisfied and I was convinced I was going to receive a very bad mark. Guess what? I was the 12^th with 8.35 and at the Philosophy contest, the biggest mark was 9.2. Now that’s something! I can’t say I was happy… I was more shocked than happy. I just couldn’t believe that. From time to time I stare at my diploma and ponder: ‘Wow, it has my name on it! I received a prize at that national competition! I’m the 12^th in this country at Philosophy! WOOOOOW’, yeah, just like a retard! :)) Yeah, I guess I’m not that stupid after all!

What else to tell you girls? I spent the Easter with my family, at least Sunday, cause after that I was more out with my friends or with Cata. Speaking of which, I think we might have a little problem; me and Cata, of course. Hm… we’ve been together like for 5 months. Right? Right. What does a relationship consists of? First of all, love, trust, friendship and all that stuff and secondly, a certain physical contact. Well, our relationship has the first part, actually, it’s perfect when it comes to it, but definitely lacks the second part. I mean, he loves me, and all, but Goddamn, he hardly kisses me!!!!! :(( Come on!!!!!!! He’s 21, I’m 19, we both have hormones and needs, why doesn’t he do something????? For me, the sex part has never been a must in a relationship, so I’m not referring to that when I’m saying we have our needs. But come on, not even to kiss me??? I don’t know about me, but he really has a problem. I’ve told him that I think I don’t attract him, physically speaking, but he assured me that is not true. Hm… I actually wanted to break up with him cause of this. I love him, I really do, but that thing is killing me. We’ve talked about it and all, but he just doesn’t get it. It’s like he’s afraid to kiss me or something. Now I have a ‘strategy’: no more kissed on the cheek from me, no more playing with his hair, no more hugs. If he doesn’t have needs, then I’ll hide mine. Two can play this game.

And you know what really pisses me off? He’s Mr Perfect, he’s The Guy, The One in all aspects except that one. And as I’ve told him, physical contact is not everything in a relationship, but you can’t have one without it. Anyway, he’s leaving on Monday and I won’t see him for another 2 weeks. I just hope I’ll be able to control my hormones and not jump on another guy! =)) Now, that was so mean of me! I really don’t know how this relationship is going to continue if he’s going to act like a 10-year old. And yeah, I really think he has some issues.

Welcome back dear Kat, I’ve missed you! Hope you’ll have your computer fixed in no time and I won’t lose you again for such a long period of time. >:D<

Currently:

• Feeling: under the weather (it’s pouring outside!)
• Listening to: Norah Jones - Come away with me
• Thinking about: my leave
• Reading: Light in August by William Faulkner

Tomorrow I’m leaving for Oradea. I’m going to stay there till Thursday and the competition is going to take place Thursday. I’m not scared. I simply don’t want to go. And I didn’t learn much. No, honestly, I didn’t learn. I don’t care anymore about this competition. I know I would never have been 1 or 2 or 3, so why the fuss? I still have to take the university exam so it won’t matter if I am the last one or not. Of course I hope I won’t be the last one… a middle position would suit me fine. Anyways, the truth is I’m not looking forward at all to going. Plus it’s raining like hell here. Bleah. Cata was very sweet yesterday. He kept asking me things about Oradea and then he said: ‘I wonder how things will turn out’. And I was like: ‘Why do you care? I should care, but I don’t give a damn about it’. And then he said: ‘I know you don’t, but believe it or not, I’m interested in everything you do.’ Yeah, that made me realise again and again how much he cares about me.

On another topic, today I have to go and have my picture taken for the class’ photo album. Yeah, I like pics, but I like natural one. I mean, the girls in my class made such a fuss about these pictures. Uh! They went and had their hair arranged and brought I don’t know how many blouses to change and stuff like that. I mean, COME ON, I don’t want to look at those pictures in 30 years time and see a face that doesn’t tell me anything: ‘Oh, look grandchildren, this was my classmate. She was only 19 when her picture was taken, but she looks like a 25-year old woman. Strange, during the 2 years time period she was my classmate, I don’t remember seeing her looking like this.’

And that’s not all. The photographer wants to take as many artistic pictures of you as he can. That means you have to stay the way he puts you. UUUHHHHH NOOOOO!!! Not me, dude! I hate those pictures: ‘Look at the camera. Your head a little more to the right. No, not that much. Yes, not it’s perfect. Smile!’ And I’ve heard they want to take 50-60 pictures/person. /:) WTF is that??? Let’s say 20. 20 are fine with me. But 60?!!! We’re not models, you know! I just need a damn pictures that represents me so that, when my colleagues open their albums will see ME and not a person they don’t remember being like that.

Grrr, too many conventions and rules and things that you have to follow. Only now do I understand why Nietzsche was that revolted. Yeah, we have to be ourselves not what others want us to be. And the hell with all those conventions! I love myself the way I am and I’m not going to change, not even for how long you need to take a picture.

Currently:

• Feeling: kind of under the weather
• Listening to: Belle & Sebastian - Get me away from here, I’m dying
• Thinking about: him :-<
• Reading: Eneida by Vergiliu

I had 2h of Philosophy today and we discussed the subjects that were given in the previous years at the national phase of the competition. It’s much more complex than I have ever thought it would be! I mean, you have to make so many connections between the philosophers and between the themes… brr!! But when my teacher saw that I was scared she was so nice *actually, she always is* and told me: ‘Ioana, you don’t have to be scared. The most important thing is that you’re going to the national phase, which it’s going to be a once in a lifetime experience, you’ll meet new and interesting people and it’s a good training for your university exam. And if you’re going to get a good mark we’ll be happy, if it’s going to be a bad mark, we won’t believe it.’ I felt so good after she told me that! Yeah, it’s good to know that she won’t be disappointed and no matter what happens I should regard this contest as a positive experience. And that’s just what I’ll do! Of course, I still have to learn, but I’m not going to be stressed about it. And besides, I still have to take the university exam, cause only the ones who come first, second or third can go to any universities they like without taking an exam. So, that’s kind of impossible as far as I’m concerned. University exam, here I come! :))

Now, guess what? We had History today and the teacher brought our test papers back. Without correcting them, without giving us marks. I think he didn’t even read them. He was lucky I wasn’t present cause I would have caused a scene. I mean, WTF, we wrote for 2h on those stupid test papers and he doesn’t even correct them??? Why did we have a test paper in the first place??? Man, I was so angry when my colleagues told me what happened! X( That was lack of respect!!!! I wrote a 6-page essay and he doesn’t even read it? On Thursday we’re having a kind of mock exam for the real Bac exam and he said he is not going to take into consideration the marks we get on that test paper and we have to give another test paper next week. /:) Now really? 3 History test papers in 3 weeks? Not me! He can go and f*** himself, as far as I’m concerned, but I’m not having another test paper next week. I’ve never been so mad because of a teacher before. Oh, wait, the stupid Romanian teacher always pisses me off. In this case, my History teacher is no. 2 on my ‘Stupid teachers’ list.

Here comes the disturbing part. He was home this weekend, we spent a lot of time together, it was wonderful to be in his arms again. We laughed, drank Coke, strolled through the park… ah, it was absolutely wonderful! I only feel entirely happy when I’m with him. And I’m not overreacting. I can have fun with my classmates, with My Maria, I can still enjoy a good movie, but those things pale in comparison with the feeling I get from him. On Sunday I felt so depressed. I couldn’t even enjoy the time spent with him. The only thought that was wondering through my mind was that one day he’ll be gone for good. In the evening I wrote him an e-mail and told him that every time he leaves I cannot stop thinking it’s for good and that eventually, one day, he’ll be gone forever from my life.

We talked this weekend about the future, but only in general, we didn’t mention ‘us’ in that future. And from October I’ll be living in Bucharest, which is like 500km away from Cluj. Let’s say we’ll still be together. As long as he’s in the country everything is going to be fine. But, although he didn’t tell me that exactly, he wants to go abroad and complete his studies. I completely understand him and I totally agree with him, though I’m crying like a freak here. Let’s face it, it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity, he can’t miss it for the world. And to still be together, but living in different countries… that isn’t such a good idea. He will meet new people, interesting people, he has to be free to enjoy all the opportunities that lay ahead of him. I don’t want to be a burden for him. I want him to enjoy each and every day of his life and I’m aware that someday, pretty soon, I’ll have to let him go.

I hate this pattern!!! I HATE IT! Why can’t I tell my mum that I want to go to Cluj to university instead of Bucharest? Why can’t I do that??? I don’t care about no Bucharest… I care about him. Damn… I cannot break out of this pattern… I have an apartment there… it’s my dream since I was little to move to Bucharest… it’s my mum’s dream too… but what about him?? Goddamn, I love him like I’ve never loved before! And I simply cannot admit that he’s just a step, a phase in my life. I want him to remain in my life… I can’t even think that someday, I’ll love another guy. No, that’s not possible. That won’t happen. And it hurts… it hurts damn bad.

We just talked on the net… he thinks that things must come to an end in October. I’ve never said that. I just told him that due to our completely different future plans, sooner or later things would have to come to an end. Now we’re both fucked up because of me. I feel so stupid for what I’ve done. Uh, I shouldn’t have told him that. How will our relationship continue, knowing that its end is near? What will happen the love we have for each other? I’m just so sad. I wish I could do something to stop that from happening… but I can’t. But what would be the good of me going to Cluj if after a year he’ll leave the country? I don’t know… I just want to enjoy him as long as he still is mine. I just hope I’ll be able to do that after all that’s been said…