Rainbow child

Currently:

• Feeling: stuffed; I ate too much, again
• Listening to: Depeche Mode - World in my eyes (now this is an obsession!)
• Thinking about: him - I’m going to see him today!!!!!!!\:D/
• Reading: same book by S. de Beauvoir (she was Sartre’s girlfriend; cool!)

Yesterday I studied by butt off at history cause we had a test paper today. And what a test paper it was. :-& *barfing sound!*  So, this semester I didn’t learn at all at history cause of the philosophy contest. We had about 4 major themes to learn for the test paper, so yesterday that was all that I did. I love history and I learn it easily, but it was about midnight I still had a theme. Anyway, I managed to learn, slept a bit and went to school. In my class there are only 6 students, including me, who are having a final exam in history. Tam-dam…. only 4 of us were present today. Great. The teacher came in, gave us the subject and… no, but you’re close… yup, he left us alone. WTF?! He said that he trusts us and it’s our test paper and our knowledge we’re testing and we should play fair. Now that was one of the lamest things that have ever happened to my during my school experience. I mean, yeah, it was OUR test paper, but, you fuck, you’re paid to stay there!!! I don’t care you had to go somewhere! You had classes with you so you should have stayed. I was so angry that I didn’t’ want to write that test paper. I didn’t see any point at all. The previous semester I had only 10 and I was so proud of myself. I know I studied very very much and I was the ‘bestest’. Of course I didn’t cheat today, but the colleagues kept asking me stuff and where I wasn’t really sure I asked them back. So, yeah, that’s a kind of a cheating. I’m sure the 10 I’ll receive on this test paper won’t give me any satisfaction. I fell like I copied everything from the course book. History has always been one of my all-time favourite school subjects, but my present history teacher disappointed me big time. I guess I just have to get over it. 

My parents have always been ‘marks obsessed’ and made me study hard to obtain good marks. In time I’ve realised that marks are in fact important, if not for others, than for yourself. I know that marks can sometimes be very subjective, but I know that if you really learn, you always have this satisfaction when you get a 10 or a 9. And, no, I have never made a scene because of a bad mark. Since I’ve moved to this high school, marks have become even more important than before. I love most of the school subjects and I’m very keen on showing that by studying and having good marks. At the rest of the classes, I don’t suck ‘major donkey balls’, but I get no pleasure from studying them. So, yeah, for me it’s important that my teachers evaluate my work and my efforts.

On another completely different topic, I did a bit of thinking *yeah, it happens from time to time :))* and I’ve realised that this life is way to short. I guess that this book that I’m reading kind of made me think about this. Imagine, what can a person actually do in 70 years? Nothing really. This world if full of wonders, mysteries, opportunities that a man’s life is way to short to be able to say, on your deathbed: ‘I lived my life, I’ve seen all, I’ve known all, I’ve been everywhere, I can die in peace now.’ No, such a thing is not possible. Look at it from this point: we’re born, we go to kindergarten, we desperately want to grow up sooner, we then go to school, become teenagers and we want the time to stop when we’re 18 or 19; we then go to universities, become independent from your parents, get married, got to work, have children, have grandchildren and then die. Uh, that’s not the way life is supposed to be. There are so many things to do, to see, to hear, to feel, that a life is not enough to do all that.

Right now, I’m greatly influenced by this book, at least this paragraph is. I picture myself as being immortal, as being driven out of this mortal time at 19 years. How great would all be! First of all, I’d be ‘forever young’. Then I would have the opportunity to travel all around the world, to see its wonders, to bath in its oceans, to sunbath on its beaches, to climb its mountains, to see its animals. Then I’d love. I’d love with my heart, soul and immortal body. But I wouldn’t love forever: I’d love then and there. I’d love a Brazilian, I’d love an Asian, I’d love an American. I’d love for as many times I’d want, I’d love all my life. I’m not talking only about carnal pleasure, I’m talking about living and loving a person until death do us part and then moving on and loving again till death do us part and so on. There are so many people worth loving in this world. 8->

Yeah, our lives are way to short. And this patterns they follow simply make me go mad! No, I don’t want to accept any patterns in my life, but still, here I am, on the point of going to university and becoming independent in a way, and the working and getting married and all that stuff. Will I ever break this pattern? Will I be able to live my life, as I would do it if I were immortal? On my deathbed, will I be able to say: ‘Yeah, I lived each and every day of my life’? Uhhh… the answers make the shiver.  

Currently:

• Feeling: good
• Listening to: Depeche Mode - A pain that I’m used to
• Thinking about: him, duuuh
• Reading: Toti oamenii sunt muritori (All men are mortal) by Simone de Beauvoir

No long, no blog. There hasn’t been much going on since my last entry, just the usual stuff: philosophy, school, oranges, uRMa days etc etc etc.

On Wednesday there was a bit of a fuss about the Depeche Mode night in Stage. Steve, Ovi and me went there to see some Depeche Mode concerts. It was great. Of course, we didn’t stay till the end, cause we had school the next day, but it was great to see how Depeche Mode evolved during the years. The evening started with ‘101′, a concert held in the ‘80. Omg, they looked so gay! :)) All of them, singers and fans, had those crazy haircuts and strange clothes. It really was the Depeche Mode mode then. And then we watched ‘Live in Paris’ from 2001. Now that was awesome! They looked like normal people and the songs were from Ultra, Exciter, Violator and only the coolest song from they first albums. It was a great night! Needless to say that David Gahan is simply breath taking. My God, how beautiful that man is! I’m not that kind of girl who is in love with music and film starts, but David simply makes me go cu-cu! =P~ He’s a beauty!

Enough about my crush for Depeche Mode and David Gahan. Cata didn’t come this weekend in Baia Mare, so I had plenty of time to spend with My Maria and Mihai. We went to the theatre and we went dancing. It was awesome! Of course, I didn’t stay out late, cause my parents didn’t let me, but nonetheless, we had lost of fun. At least Maria and me surely did, cause Mihai only stood there and kept saying: ‘How can you dance on this crappy music?’ Ha ha ha! He’s a ‘trv’, meaning ‘true’, meaning he listens only to what he calls ‘quality music’, which is, of course, only metal. Though he doesn’t dress like a ‘trv’, he surely acts like one. :)) Metal is ok, I used to be a kind of ‘trv’ myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have fun and I can’t dance on other kinds of music. All in all, it was fun.

The bad part is that my mum won’t go to Bucharest this weekend. WHY, WOMAN, WHY?!!! She ruined all my plans. It would have been so great to be all alone with Cata. My father is now in Braila and he won’t come back till next Monday. So, I’m pretty much home alone, cause mum only comes home at about 9 o’clock in the evening, or should I say night? Anyway, the most important thing is that, this weekend, he’ll be in my arms again. >:D<

Uh, I’m not going to school anymore. Yup, I have 3 weeks off to study for the philosophy contest. How cool is that? Very cool! :)) I’m going only to the History classes. It’s great to stay home. I learn and think about him and daydream a little, then learn some more, read a bit, think about him again, learn and so on. It’s going to be just ok. Of course, there are some teachers who said I should go to school but who listens to them? Not me. Hey, my philosophy teacher told me to stay home and that’s just what I’m doing.

I think my oranges obsession has gone a bit too far. I’ve been eating about 1-2kg/day for the last 2 months. I think in the near future, if I continue to eat so many oranges, I might be turning orange myself. Now that would really suck! But I can’t help myself! They are soooo delicious and sweet and my hands always smell of oranges and it’s so cool. No, it won’t give up on you, my precious! No need to worry, mummy here’s to eat you each and every day! :)) Now that was gay!

Uuuuu… guess what??? Spring’s finally here! It took it a while to get here, but everything’s ok now. The sun is shining, there’ s a gust of hot air outside, no more snow or thick clothes, no more depressions caused by rain and cold. Yeah, my time of the year has started. I’m reborn and it’s feels great! :D/

Oh well, that’s about all. Have a nice week everyone and enjoy the spring outside and inside you!  

Currently:

• Feeling: sleepy
• Listening to: uRMa - Buy me with a coffee *uRMa day today*
• Thinking about: him
• Reading: The double flame: love and eroticism by Octavio Paz

One of the lamest things ever happened at school, on Monday. We have this very awesome stenography teacher *she’s such a smart woman!* and we usually tell her how we get along with our teachers, what we read, what plays we have recently seen and other minor things which happen to us. But on Monday it was absolutely BLEAH! I don’t remember exactly how we *or should I say some of my colleagues* ended talking about divorce and family problems. And cause the teacher inspires trust 2 of my colleagues started telling their life’s story. For more than half an hour I had to put up with listening to their problems: his father is a dipsomaniac *I love this word* and how he always fights with his mum and how he one night forced his father to sleep outside and other shit like that. Ok, so I didn’t know he had such problems, but why the heck doesn’t he speak with a counsellor? Why did all the class have to find out about his problems from home? *Barfing sound!!!* I’m really sorry for you, dude, but family problems should remain IN the family! Oh, and the other one told us how her father left her and her mum when she was 10 and that he is not married to another woman and he doesn’t come to see her yada-yada-yada. I’m sure that everyone of us has family problems from time to time and we’d go crazy if we kept them inside, but we turn to our friends and blogs to get rid of the stress and sadness, but we don’t tell all of our classmates *almost strangers I could say* about them! Geez!

Then on Thursday the Latin teacher told my classmates that she doesn’t agree with me not going to her classes and that I’m not allowed to skip classes cause I have a 2-week holiday before the contest. But my philosophy teacher told me that she had spoken with the headmaster and my form teacher and I can skip the classes which are not for my Bac exam. I think I’ll go this week and talk to her. Latin… bleah! Don’t need no Latin! In fact, the only Latin I need is: ‘Dubito ergo cogito’, ‘Cogito ergo sum’, ‘bellum omnium contra omnes’, ‘homo homini lupus’. Maybe there are 2 or 3 more expressions that I need for my philosophy exam, but these are the most important ones.  :)) 

He was incredibly sweet!!! He was supposed to come home on Saturday morning, but he came Friday night. He sent me a message while he was on the train and told me that he was coming that night. I was so happy!!! I went to the railway station and waited for him and then we went out. It was funny how my mum reacted when I called her at about 10 o’clock and told her that Cata’s home and that I’m going to stay late that night. She was like: ‘ *pause* And he’s back all of a sudden? *I usually tell her when he’s coming back* ‘, ‘Yes, mum, all of a sudden. So, don’t wait for me tonight.’ It was a terrific weekend. I love it when he’s home. And he’s coming next week as well. :D/ The only thing is that in 2 weeks time I’ll be home alone and it would have been great if he could have come then. It’s different when we’re alone at my place and when we’re in a pub. We never know what song will be next in my playlist. :)) uuu, there’s so much suspense in the air! I have a lot of crazy music: from Metallica and Therion to The Beatles and Gloria Gaynor. And we always try to guess what song it is. :)) Sometimes it’s like: ‘Dude, I’ve never heard this song before. How come it’s on my computer?’ and other times is ‘Cool song. I love it’. We’re having fun, that’s all.

And next week My Maria and Mihai are coming home as well! It’s going to be so much fun!!!!!!! My bestest friends will be here with me. It’s so strange that Cata doesn’t quite like Mihai, although I don’t know why. Instead he gets along pretty well with Maria. And Maria is Mihai’s sister! :)) I miss My Maria so much. It’s not fair that she’s in Cluj and I’m here, especially when she feels down and needs me. It simply tears my heart to pieces to know that I should be by her side and I’m just sitting in front of the computer instead of holding her in my arms and telling her that everything will be just all right. I love her immensely and I’d do anything for her. After my mum, she’s the person I love most in this world.

I sometimes thought what would I do if I had to choose between My Maria and Cata? Which one would be? I’m afraid of the answer. I’ve always thought that boyfriends come and go and best friends remain forever, so, until now, I would have said ‘I’m with My Maria, you can leave’ to any of my boyfriends who would have made me chose between them. But now… now it’s completely different. I can’t imagine my life without them. My Maria wants only what’s best for me and wants me to be happy and Cata loves me so much and accepts the fact that My Maria is that important to me. I can’t imagine one of them asking me to give up on the other. No, that won’t ever happen. I’m sure that when my relationship with Cata will come to an end it won’t be because I had to choose between him and Maria, but because our love faded away.

Moving on to more happy subjects. I don’t listen to bands anymore. I mean, yeah, I simply adore uRMa and Depeche Mode totally rocks, but that’s about everything. This doesn’t mean that I don’t like bands anymore, but the fact is that I don’t have the patience to listen to I don’t know how many albums from a band. I just listen to a couple of songs which I like and that’s all. Oh, and Moby is great also. So, depending on the mood I’m in, I can listen to my 2 uRMa albums, to my 9 Depeche Mode albums and to my 2 Moby albums. No more bands for me. Of course, Luna Amara, The Cranberries, The Cardigans, Garbage, No doubt and some other still rock, but not as they used to. Thanks to Maria and Mircea *another good friend* I have 7 Belle & Sebastian albums. Dudes, that band is awesome!!!!! It’s such a happy spring band. I love the feeling I get from listening to it. I guess I may add another obsession to my list: Belle & Sebastian.

This is about all this week. Tomorrow I have to go to school. Bleah. I can hardly wait to finish the current book I’m reading *it’s actually nice* to start and read another one. Yeah, I know, books are my daily drug. Have a nice week everyone! Love you two so very much!

Currently:

• Feeling: very strange
• Listening to: Belle & Sebastian - The boy with Arab strap
• Thinking about: him
• Reading: Erewhon by Samuel Butler

I long for a summer’s wasting. I want to feel the sun on my face once again. I want to bath in sunshine. I want to let the sunrays kiss every inch of my body. I want to lie in an endless field of fresh grass and smile at the sun. I want to laugh like a madman, to laugh till I can’t laugh no more. I want to roll over in the grass, to feel the smooth blades of grass beneath me, to smell their freshness, to contemplate their colour. I want to run through wild flowers and I want butterflies to accompany me in my crazy run. I want to live violently lazy days. I want to forget about everything and everyone. I want to be only with myself. I want a forever lasting summer… I want a forever lasting summer in me.  

Currently:

• Feeling: content *although I don’t know why… is it because I’ve just finished my first Romanian homework this year? :D*
• Listening to: Bob Sinclar - Love generation
• Thinking about: him and the fact that I should be studying right now
• Reading: ‘Ghidul trist al Parisului’ by A.B.Echenique (almost finished it)

Today was an incredibly beautiful spring day! I woke up singing ‘Love generation’ and I kept dancing… yeah, I had a nice state of mind till about 12. Then I went over to my mum’s working place, gave her a tulip for Mother’s Day and went to a second hand store to see if they had received cool sneakers. Well, they didn’t!

On my way I had a lot of time to think about a lot of crazy stuff. Like my BAC exam. To tell the truth, I have this shitty feeling regarding it. For me, my BAC results are not important cause I have to take an exam in order to go to university. And I’m glad that my mum understands that I simply don’t care about it. Of course, I have to pass it in order to be able to take that university exam, but I think I’ll do that. Let’s see: German - oral - probably pass; Romanian - oral - pass; Romanian - written - hopefully pass; History - written - definitely pass; Philosophy - written - PASS and English - written - pass. Hm… as for my marks, screw them! I just want to enter that PR section, don’t care about no BAC diploma. The truth is that I’ve kind of neglected my studies lately. But I’ve made a promise to myself to try to learn at least at History. So today, I’ll learn the First World War. Then, of course, it’s back to Philosophy studying.

Then I thought about him. He’s going to the Lake of Tears concert in Bucharest. Yup, that’s awesome. Maria, Mihai, Vali, Alex, all my dear friends are going to the concert. Of course I’m staying home. :-W And the thing that bugs me is that I won’t be able to see Depeche Mode either!   :(( That’s totally unfair! I love that band!!!!! Why the heck do they have to come on the 23rd of June, with 3 days before my BAC exam?! Why can’t they come on the 23rd of June, for example? My parents won’t ever let me go to the concert… dudes, we’re talking about DEPECHE MODE! It’s a once in a lifetime chance. :-< Oh, well, life is not always fair…

Like I was saying, I was thinking about him. Ha ha ha! I’m actually always doing that! The cool part is that I’m going to see him next weekend cause he’s coming home! :D/ look, I’m doing a ‘joy dance’. :)) Uuuu… and it’s going to be great! Me and him, him and me, we two, la la la la! :)) Ok, I’m a bit too excited about that. :D  He really is My Sunshine. Uh, I can hardly wait to hug you, dude!!!!!

I’m so happy that I have more time for some ‘personal reading’! I used to go to bed at about 11:30, but now I can stay till 1-2 which is great! I read something for the Philosophy contest and then I read what I want. My form teacher gave me ‘Erewhon’ by S.Butler; the English version of it, of course. I can hardly wait to finish that Paris guide *don’t quite like the book* and then start reading this one. And I have some more on my TBR list. I simply love books.

Oh well, time for me to go and study. Have a nice day, everyone!

Currently:

• Feeling: a bit tired and so very sad *he’s gone again :-<*
• Listening to: Tribalistas - Ja sei namorar
• Thinking about: him, obviously
• Reading: George Orwell - Animal Farm

Love makes the world go round. This is the conclusion I’ve reached after approximately 3 months of happiness.

I used to think that love was supposed to be like a powerful knock in the head, to make you blind and foolish, to make you do stupid things, to make you irresponsible. It took me 19 years, about 3 major crushes and other little ones to realise that love is not like that at all.

Love is made out of the purest of all feelings mixed with rationality. Love is not something that makes you go mad or do stupid things. On the contrary, love helps you evolve into a better self. It makes you become a more responsible person, a real mature you. In fact, you feel that you truly love only after you’ve realised you’ve grown, you’ve changed from an old self into a better an improved self. Love helps you metamorphose: you gain a certain confidence in yourself, you become a more happy person than before, you have a certain sparkle in your eyes and others look differently at you, as you were a much more beautiful person. But you are. Love has made you this way.

Love is rationality. You think before you act and therefore you take the best decisions for both of you. You understand that you can’t have all, that you can’t spend all of your time with the one you love, that you still have to study and take care of yourself. And you do all those daily chores consciously, knowing that at the end of the day you’ll meet him. You learn what patience means when he’s 15 minutes late and you add a new word to you dictionary: ‘forgiveness’. You simply can’t stay mad at him when he’s making that ‘forgive me’ face. Then you learn to share and you find out that you like it very much. A chocolate doesn’t give you the same satisfaction if you’re eating it alone. You wish you could share it with him.

But what do you do when he’s not around, when he’s gone? Do you cry your heart do? Do you feel you can’t do without him? Well, you shouldn’t. When you really love someone you realise that there are certain things that you cannot change. It’s not easy to let him leave and it’s not at all easy knowing you won’t see him for 2 or 3 weeks, but deep down inside you know that’s the way things are and no matter how many tears you’d shed you still won’t be able to change them. Of course you miss him when he’s gone, but you know he’s yours, all yours, and that he’ll come back and everything will be all right. And you know one more thing: that no matter how far he is, no matter how much time you’re apart, your love is going to remain as powerful and pure.

Love is all around you. You just have to open your heart and let it in. And trust me, after you have done that, you won’t ever want to let it fade away. Yeah, love really makes the world go round. It surely makes my world go round! ;))

Currently:

• Feeling: unbelievably incredibly unimaginably tired
• Listening to: Spiller & Sophie Elix Bextor - Groovejet
• Thinking about: I’m quite idle at the moment

This is going to be a short post. I had 7h of Philosophy today: 4h at school and 3h at my teacher’s place. I’m sooooooo tired. And I haven’t even started to learn. The contest is at the middle of the April, but honestly, that doesn’t seem so far away. Oh well, at least I’m aware that I have to study hardcore.

The thing that I think it’s pretty cool is that I don’t have to stay at all the classes. It’s like: ‘Hmmm… do I really want to stay at Geography today? NEAH!’ and then I just go to the library and read at Philosophy. Yeah, that’s great.

Tomorrow night him and I are going to a b-day party. I don’t really wanna go cause there are going to be some persons which I totally dislike, but I have to go, cause it’s the only good reason he could find to come home and not to be killed by his parents. The important thing is that I’m going to see him tomorrow and we’re going to spend some quality time together.

I’m off to do some reading. I hope I won’t fall asleep while reading :”>