I’m cool now
Currently:
- Feeling: emptiness of feelings
- Listening to: Radiohead – There there
- Thinking about: nothing in particular
I’m cool now. I’m not going to worry anymore about that stupid competition. I’m going to give my best and that’s all. No more stress about that. And to be sure I’m cool about it, I’m just going to read something from the Philosophy book and then finish ‘Minima moralia’ by Plesu and start another book. Over and done with studying hardcore.
This song from Radiohead really makes me think about sad things. 
Hopefully, I’ll pass the university exam and become a student. That means I have to move to Bucharest from October, which is kind of cool cause I already have a flat there. And in fact is my dream to move to Bucharest. But… :-< I hate it when it comes to ‘but’. What about all the things I’ll leave behind? My parents, my blue room, my dear colleagues, all the places I’ve been, all the little things that remind me of my past, last but not least, HIM.
Hopefully, I’ll pass the university exam and become a student. That means I have to move to Bucharest from October, which is kind of cool cause I already have a flat there. And in fact is my dream to move to Bucharest. But… :-< I hate it when it comes to ‘but’. What about all the things I’ll leave behind? My parents, my blue room, my dear colleagues, all the places I’ve been, all the little things that remind me of my past, last but not least, HIM.I’ve always been optimistic about this moving thing till now. I have true friends in Bucharest *yes, Alex, it’s you, my sweet dear dude*, I have relatives there *I can hardly wait to take care of my sweet nephew Mihnea*, it’s a new life waiting for me. But am I actually ready for it? I’m 19 years old and I can’t take care of myself. I don’t know how to cook, I don’t know how to use the washing machine *blush*. Bucharest is so big and full of people *and I love that* but it’s also full of indifference, hate, sins. 
And I’m afraid of those rude, selfish, mean people. Yeah, I’m afraid that instead of having the time of my life, I’ll feel alone and lonely, not loved, not appreciated, left behind. What if Bucharest is not what I’ve dreamed of? What if I’ll be so disappointed with what I’ll find there that I’ll lose my lust for life? It’s such a big steep for a girl so little *sniff sniff*
I don’t know how to cook, I don’t know how to use the washing machine *blush*. Bucharest is so big and full of people *and I love that* but it’s also full of indifference, hate, sins. And I’m afraid of those rude, selfish, mean people. Yeah, I’m afraid that instead of having the time of my life, I’ll feel alone and lonely, not loved, not appreciated, left behind. What if Bucharest is not what I’ve dreamed of? What if I’ll be so disappointed with what I’ll find there that I’ll lose my lust for life? It’s such a big steep for a girl so little *sniff sniff*And him… uhh… only the thought of losing him brings tears to my eyes. We’ve been together only for 2 moths, but it’s different this time. I know we still have plenty of time till October and who knows, maybe we’ll break up till then *oh, please, not that! Not that*, but what if we don’t? What will happen with our love then? He’ll be in Cluj, I’ll be in Bucharest. We’ll see each other during the holidays. I mean, I miss him dearly when he’s gone for one or two weeks in Cluj, how will I manage my feelings when we’ll be apart for 2-3 months? I was rational till today. I kept thinking that I must not think about the future, that I must life for the present. And it feels so good to be in his arms. There’s where I want to be. Not in Bucharest, not here… but in his arms *actually crying* I’m not a strong person at all when it comes to feelings. Yes, I can be rude, I can act selfish, I can be unkind *maybe a little to unkind sometimes*, but I can’t help myself when ‘the heart speaks’. And my heart tells me that I love him and that he’s the best. What’s funny is that my brain tells me that also. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want him to leave anymore.
We’ll see each other during the holidays. I mean, I miss him dearly when he’s gone for one or two weeks in Cluj, how will I manage my feelings when we’ll be apart for 2-3 months? I was rational till today. I kept thinking that I must not think about the future, that I must life for the present. And it feels so good to be in his arms. There’s where I want to be. Not in Bucharest, not here… but in his arms *actually crying* I’m not a strong person at all when it comes to feelings. Yes, I can be rude, I can act selfish, I can be unkind *maybe a little to unkind sometimes*, but I can’t help myself when ‘the heart speaks’. And my heart tells me that I love him and that he’s the best. What’s funny is that my brain tells me that also. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to let him go. I don’t want him to leave anymore.But I know it’s impossible to keep him mine forever *oh, how I wish I could!*. It’s impossible to make him stay *please don’t go*. It’s impossible for me to move to Cluj, or for him to come to Bucharest. It’s impossible for us to be together after the university year starts. And that scares me.
And that scares me.Yeah, this wasn’t a happy post after all. I just want this week to finish and to finally be able to see Luna Amara perform life in Baia Mare. Although, I don’t know if that will make me happy.
Although, I don’t know if that will make me happy.I present to you, My Blue Room.
