Same old story is repeating itself over and over again. When will I get used to the idea that there are certain moments that come up only once in one’s lifetime and if you were so stupid to take you chance it’s all lost?
I seem to have a problem with those kinds of moments. I always realise their importance after they’re gone. And because it’s in my nature to hold on to the past, I sometimes let memories overwhelm me. And I start to think that things could have been much better if only I hadn’t been that blind.
My whole life is made up of lost moments. I’ve never cherished what I have. I’ve always longed for the thing I don’t have. I don’t if I’m really grateful for all that I have. The sentence which characterizes me most is: “Why didn’t I do that???”
Yeah, I’m depressed. It’s not that I can easily get from one mood to another, but when it comes to the past… well, I just can’t control my emotions. And the only person in this world responsible for the tears that I shad, is ME. I’m such a stupid little child. No really knowing what I want, getting something that I really want and then getting bored of it, crying my eyes out over books and films with sad ending, daydreaming of an utopia world, wishing I was better. It’s true; I’m constantly changing. And I like only the person I’m now, and I hate the person I was 1 minute ago.
Song of the moment: Depeche Mode – Freelove (it resumes all my thoughts and wishes)
If you’ve been hiding from love
If you’ve been hiding from love
I can understand where you’re coming from
I can understand where you’re coming from
If you’ve suffered enough
If you’ve suffered enough
I can understand what you’re thinking of
I can see the pain that you’re frightened of
And I’m only here
To bring you free love
Let’s make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
I’ve been running like you
I’ve been running like you
Now you understand why I’m running scared
Now you understand why I’m running scared
I’ve been searching for truth
I’ve been searching for truth
And I haven’t been getting anywhere
No I haven’t been getting anywhere
And I’m only here
To bring you free love
Let’s make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
Hey girl
You’ve got to take this moment
Then let it slip away
Let go of complicated feelings
Then there’s no price to pay
We’ve been running from love
We’ve been running from love
And we don’t know what we’re doing here
No we don’t know what we’re doing here
We’re only here
Sharing our free love
Let’s make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
What you’ve written in this entry really reminds me a lot of the ways I think. I too think that I’ve lost a lot of moments where I could have done things differently. And I sit around and dwell on why didn’t it I do it this way? Or why didn’t I realize that at the time? And it is depressing. I wish I could let go of the past.
I know it’s hard to think what if I had done this, what if I had done that would things have been better? But you have to realize that things happen for a reason and there is a plan for all of us and everything will happen that is meant to be! Sorry if I’m being annoyingly optimistic! That’s just how I try to approach things! It will all work out
You’re just growing up, dear. Life it’s just this, learning and try not to make the same mistakes again.
I really feel better when I read something you wrote. I think It is the appearances to which we attach value without knowing, or even caring sometimes. I”ve always thought that as a permanent fact but you have a different perspective. I see your writings as a tool to enjoy life as a whole. I see it as a metaphore of all feelings I discover in life. Do you have such tools in your life? I understand "no" from your writings. You prefer to see the world as it is and enjoy its reflections in your thoughts. That is hard to explain but looks beautiful like you.
Oh, Koray, you always thought I was better. You always made me feel important, smart, beautiful (and you still do that). But just like my description of this blog says, ”I`m just a girl in the world”. I”m only human and I”m not that great. I miss you.