December « 2005 « Rainbow child

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Happy New Year everybody!

Happy New Year everyone!!! God bless you!

Oh, btw, the problem with him is solved. It was just a minor misunderstanding. He really cares about me, now I know that for sure. I like you dude, more than words can say! Thank you for those wonderful butterflies you give me every time I’m around you.

1. What have you done for the first time in your life in 2005? Uhhh… studied Philosophy and went to Lego Land
2. Do you respect your New Year’s resolutions? Are you going to make other resolutions for the incoming year? I’ve never made New Year resolutions and I don’t think I ever will. I don’t want to be mean, but it’s too American for me.
3. Was a child born in your family in 2005? Yeah, I have a godchild, a boy called Alexander. He’s almost 2 months old. He’s cute, but very, very small!
4. Did someone dear to you die? Thank God, no. My grandma is very sick, though.
5. Which countries have you visited? Germany and Turkey.
6. What do you want to have in 2006 and didn’t have in 2005? Tricky question. I guess I want to be more preoccupied about school, to live to learn. Yeah, that’s want I want.
7. Which date from 2005 will you remember? Certainly 26-27-28 august 2005 – I was at Rosia Montana in the Apuseni Mountains; the first festival I’ve been to and a great one too!
8. Which was the major thing you’ve accomplished this year? Being the 4^th in my class (9,68 my final grade).
9. Which was the major disappointment from this year? Not being the 3^rd in my class, because of Sports!!!!!! Grrrr…
10. Were you sick or did you have and accident? Thank God, no. Of course, flu and allergy, but they don’t count. Oh, I may have to wear glasses, but that’s not sure yet.
11. Which was the best thing you’ve bought? A lot of hippie clothes, many books and my Converse shoes.
12. Whose attitude do you think is worthy of being appreciated? Radu’s for cooping so well with our break-up.
13. Whose attitude shocked and depressed you? A certain someone’s.
14. You spent your money mostly on… I spent my parents’ money on those little 2 trips and my money on books.
15. What impressed you the most? A documentary about the 11^th of September and Rosia Montana’s situation.
16. What song/album will remember you of 2005? Song: Bonito by Jarabe de Palo and album: Nomad Rhymes - uRMa
17. Compared with last year, this year you are:
* happier or sadder? I guess happier
* thinner or fatter? Thinner with 3 kg. I have 50 kg now and I’m proud of them!
* richer or pourer? Definitely richer… I have about $30 in coins :))
18. What did you want to do more than you had done? Study
19. What did you want to do less than you had done? Argue
20. How did you spend your Christmas? Exiled at my grandma’s with the rest of the family for 3 whole days.
21. With whom did you talk more on the phone? With Radu and Alex.
22. Did you fall in love in 2005? Of course!
23. How many one-night stands did you have? None, cause I had a boyfriend.
24. Which was your favourite TV show? Seinfeld, Mythbusters and Orange Country Choppers
25. Do you hate someone you didn’t hate last year? Hm… let me think… nope, but I was on the point of feeling that.
26. Which was the best book you’ve read in 2005? Such a thing as ‘the best book’ doesn’t exist. There are so many great books. But here are some books that I’ve really enjoyed: ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ ; ‘Lord of the flies’ ; ‘1984’ ; ‘The picture of Dorian Gray’ ; and the list can go on and on…
27. Which was the musical revelation from this year? Definitely uRMa

28. What did you want and got it? Lots of things… going to Rosia Montana is one of them and the most important one.
29. What did you want and didn’t get? The coolest pair of Adidas shoes I’ve ever seen… ‘thanks mum’!!! >:P
30. Which were the best films of 2005? The Butterfly Effect, The Incredibles, Man on fire… grrr can’t remember others.
31. What did you do for your birthday and how old are you? I’m 18 and I spent the day with my friends… man, I’m gonna be 19 soon! :((
32. Which thing would make you extremely happy if you had it? Going to university, that’s for sure. Let’s hope that 2006 will grant my wish.
33. How would you describe 2005’s fashion? During the spring, summer and autumn girls tended to wear hippie clothes, which I think it sucks, cause they wore them cause that was the fashion, not because they care about hippies or their believes. And now, during the winter, girls wear some disgusting boots with some fur imitation. Fashion in Romania is crappie! I mean, come on, wear what you like and what fits you, don’t wear what everyone’s wearing! Have personality!!!
34. What stopped you from going mad? My friends.
35. What celebrity/ public person did you admire most? I have no idea.
36. What political event affected you the most? The Iraq war.
37. What did you miss the most? In the last part of the year I’ve missed my Maria mostly, cause she’s at university in another city.
38. Who was the coolest person you’ve met this year? Hm… I really have no idea. Maybe Mike’s girlfriend.
39. Which was the most valuable lesson learnt in 2005? People are not always what they seem. Some are greater others are lamer.
40. The lyrics that sum up what 2005 meant to you. ‘This thing called love/ I just can’t handle it/ This things called love/ I must get round to it/ I ain’t ready/ Little thing called love’ (Queen – Crazy little thing called love)

Posted by ionuca in 10:27:48 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Bleah

Don’t feel like doing anything. It’s been a horrible day. It’s raining, actually is pouring, I’m coughing which means I got the flu and I should be writing essays and studying. Instead I’m staring at the computer, listening to uRMa and daydreaming about life in Bucharest.

I tried to do my homework for the German classes, but I got bored. Then I wanted to read something for History or Philosophy, but again, I abandoned that thought, too. My tummy hurts. This really isn’t one of my best days.

Yeah, yesterday I didn’t party as I thought I would. I just sat on a couch, drank 2 beers and talked with Maria. But, the problem is that I don’t have any money and I’ll have to stay home tonight. I don’t have anyone with whom to go out.

And why did he tell me he wanted to come with us (my friends and me) and then he sent a message and said ‘don’t be upset if I can’t make it’. Thanks a lot for making me feel like shit. And all my friends wanted to meet him and they kept asking ‘why isn’t he here?’. And I just shrugged my shoulders. Hey, there are people more important than me, I’m just whatever. And he doesn’t even realise how mad I am at him! Grrr… he hurt my feelings.

And it’s not only that. I usually don’t listen to advice concerning love and feelings, but my friends are very important to me and I cannot erase Mihai’s words from last night: ‘If he didn’t come, it means that you’re not that important to him’. It hurt. I wanted to hear them saying ‘gee, don’t worry, he must have a very good reason for not coming’ or ‘come on, you know he cares’. The fact is that I don’t know that. Maybe it’s all my imagination.

Why do I really care??? Because of those stupid butterflies? Damn them! And I really don’t want to hear my mum preaching: ‘I told you not to get involved in a new relationship. You know how important this year is for you and for your future. Don’t do anything stupid’. Dude, I know!!! I want to go to university, trust me, I really do! And I’m learning and I’m doing my best, but give me a break! I cannot tell my heart: ‘stupid heart, don’t like him anymore’ and I cannot command my mind not to think of him. It would be great if I could, though.

Well, it look like I’m the crazy one and I have issues. SO what? You should have come!!! Or at least you should have said from the beginning that you didn’t wanna come!!! But hey, tomorrow’s another day. Maybe the rain will stop falling, maybe I will manage to learn something, and maybe I’ll feel better. Yeah, definitely tomorrow’s gonna be different.

Posted by ionuca in 14:28:27 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Very long time no blog

I really don’t feel like bloging, but it’s been a while since I haven’t updated it, so here I am, trying to make a selection of the things worthy of mentioning since my last post.

Let’s start with Christmas. Every year my family reunites at my grandma’s to celebrate the major Christian days: Christmas and Easter. To tell the truth, it was ok when I was little, but now it’s getting really annoying. I mean, it’s fun to see all the family together and talk and have fun, but why must I stay there for 3 days??? A day is enough, if not too much. Not to mention all those little quarrels with my relatives. 13 people in one house are simply too many!

Today is Maria’s 19^th birthday!!! I bought her a book and a little blue flower to put around her neck. He he he! A flower for my flower. She’s MY Maria, she’s my best friend, she’s the most wonderful person in my life, she deserves everything! Happy birthday Maria and remember that I’ll always be here for you, no matter what!

Another great thing that has happened is that I’m in love again. I remember sending a message to Maria this summer and complaining that I hadn’t felt the butterflies in my stomach for awhile now and that I miss them and I miss the feeling of being in love with somebody. My wish has been granted. Yeap… the butterflies are back all right. I feel so good and I’m just so happy! I simply wanna tell everyone how much I like him and how grateful I am for giving me a second chance. We could have been together 4 years ago, but of course I backed up. Only now have I realised how stupid I was. But I am happy that things turned this way, cause we were so childlike then (not that we are mature now) and who know in what stupid way things could have evolved. I always smile when I’m with him and it makes me feel safe holding his hand. Yeah… I’m in love all right! More than words can say…

This is all for today. Tonight we’re gonna PARTY and starting from tomorrow I’m starting to study something for my incoming test papers.

Posted by ionuca in 13:19:18 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Holiday thoughts

You’ve found yourself in the street, on the main boulevard. You don’t know what made you leave the warmth of your home and made you wander around town by yourself. To be honest, you really don’t care about that unknown motive. Momentarily there are more interesting things for you to think of.

As for example, why are all the people smiling, apparently without a reason? Wherever you turn your head you see only smiling faces. What a change from the other days of the year when all look sad and serious, eaten inside by daily problems or simply without lust for life. You look again at the people and you realise you want to see the forever with that smile upon their faces.

Suddenly you feel something icy on your cheek. Yes, it has started to snow. The little snowflakes keep falling and falling and their touch is light and soft. You smile. Even more, you stick your tongue out, just as you used to do when you were a child. For a moment you’re again a 10-year old boy, you’re innocent and naive, happy and without a care in the world. The snowflakes still have the same taste. At least this hasn’t changed.

You continue your chaotic journey among the smiling people and you notice the multitude of coloured lights from the shop windows. How did this festive side of the town pass by your without being noticed? How did you not notice the presents, which everyone’s caring? Do you remember now? It’s Christmas Eve. What will your parents give you this Christmas? This time you’ve forgot to tell them what you want, but maybe it’s better this way to have a surprise waiting for you to get back home. Yeah, you can hardly wait to see what they’ve bought for you!

In a second, you smile disappears from your feel like crying. You’ve just seen her. She’ old, dressed in shabby clothes and she’s begging with her hand wide open. She has dirty small hand full of wrinkles. From her hand you look into her eyes. Tears are now running down your cheek. In her blue eyes is concentrated all the pain in the world; a dull, severe and forever living pain; a pain you’ve never imagined that it could possibly exist; a pain of thousands and thousands of past, present and future souls.

Instinctively, you reach out for your wallet, but you remember it’s empty. What could you possibly offer her to make her forget, even for a second, all the humiliation, all the pain and all the suffering? You feel like hugging her, kissing her dirty hand and crying on her shoulder, asking her to forgive you and all the others for what she has been through, for all her loss, for all the insults she has received. You would like her to share her pain with you, to feel exactly what she’s feeling, to set her free from the heaviest burden of them all.

You turn around and start running home. You are still crying and your heart is still aching. No, it can’t be possible! It’s not fair what’s happening in this world… so much pain, so much egotism. There are people on whose shoulders the burden of this world is laid, in order for others to be happy and take advantage of all this world’s beauties, without even thinking of saying ‘thank you’ to the ones who spared them of pain… so much pain, so much egotism.

You swear you’re going to change! You don’t want to be like all those vermin! Hypocrites! Hypocrites! Hypocrites!!! How can they not care about the ones in need? How can they enjoy their happy lives knowing that others die of starvation? How can they not care? You’re going to change, you’re going to become a better man, you’re going to be different! No, you’re not going to become like them! You care! You’re going to help the ones in need!

You run up the stairs and enter into the apartment. Surprise! Mother and father are waiting for you with your Christmas present. What are you doing? Are you smiling again? But haven’t you just said that for this day on you don’t care about such egotistic things and that you want to help others? Why are you opening you present? Why are you hugging your parent? Hey, I’m talking to you! What has happened with you humanitarian thoughts? Why aren’t you listening to me? HEY!!!!

Oh, now I see… you’re just like them. A hypocrite.

Posted by ionuca in 17:49:33 | Permalink | Comments (5)

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Simply thoughts

I’ve had worst days and better days. I’ve had bad friends and good friends. I’ve been mean and I’ve been good. I’ve been down and I’ve been up.

Being a teenager is not piece of cake. At least not for everyone and especially not for me. I always tend to dramatise my condition. I don’t want no body’s pity, I don’t want no body’s tears, I just feel the need to say out loud what bothers me, what lays deep down in my soul.

And my soul is troubled from time to time. Then, like always, I start to find who’s responsible for that; most of the time my parents are the ones to blame, other time my friends, but almost never myself. ‘I’m not wrong! I never make mistakes! No way! Not me!’, yeah, it really is easy to blame others than yourself.

What’s more, this world is in a continuous change. People come and go, feelings become more powerful each day or simply fade away. We cannot change our human nature, but we can improve it. This is what each and every teenager, including me, has to learn: it’s in our power to change the world, but firstly, we must change ourselves.

Tell your dear ones what you really feel. Smile to a stranger. Hold you loved on by the hand. Daydream whenever you feel the need. Hug your parents. Say ‘I love myself, I love this world, I love God!’ from all your heart and soul. Try to help the ones in need. Share what you have with others. Let your heart guide you and don’t be fooled by appearances. Don’t take for granted everything you have, but give thanks for it.

This world is in fact a magical place, you just have to figure that out. Come on, be happy and contaminate the world with you happiness!!!! Life is just so worth living!!!!

Posted by ionuca in 18:01:44 | Permalink | Comments (4)

Friday, December 9, 2005

Lonely… very lonely

Here I am, crying my eyes out. Where are my friends??? Why have they all gone away??? It was not until today that I’ve realised that here, in Baia Mare, I don’t have a single friend left. Yeah, I have my classmates, I have acquaintances, but not friends!!! They are all at universities in other cities and I see them rarely now.

And today was such a weird day. I can’t really tell way, but it was. It was ok at school, can’t complain. I saw Radu today. It was cool. I could see he was suffering, but I tried to assure him that everything’s gonna be all right and he just has to be open-minded for things to get back to normal. Of course I miss parts from our relationship and I have to get used to being ‘on my own’ again, but I couldn’t be with him again.

And here I am, on a Friday night, all alone, thinking over and over again about my loved ones. Maria’s gone, Vali has changed very, very much, Alex is in Bucharest and there are other examples. They are the persons that I loved, that I still love. Why are they so far away for me? Why can’t they see that my soul longs for them? Why can’t they realise how much they mean to me? Or maybe they do realise and they simply don’t care. And I’m so selfish thinking only about me. They have their own lives now. They’re not as bond to me as they used to. They feel good there, in Cluj or Timisoara, they have new friends. They don’t have me, but they’re ok, I don’t have them and I’m lost.

Please God, don’t let me be myself. I don’t want to be myself again! I hate myself! I’m SO selfish! Instead of thinking about my friends’ happiness, I’m thinking about mine! WHY? WHY? WHY?

Posted by ionuca in 17:31:28 | Permalink | Comments (6)

Thursday, December 8, 2005

People want to much

I cannot stop wondering why are people unhappy. Of course there are thousands and thousands of reasons for it, but I think the main reason is that people expect too much out of this life.

We settle high goals and dream about impossible things. We never seem to be satisfied with what we have, with what God put aside for us. We want more, always more! It’s difficult to be pleased with who you are, with what you’ve got. Maybe it’s just our human nature responsible for this. Maybe it’s just us.

I cannot believe how changeable I am. Now I want this, the other minute I want that. There really are few goals that I really want to achieve and still, I’m sure that after I will have achieved them, others will come along and it’s going to be like this forever. I’m not a competitive person. In fact, I hate competitions. It’s all about winning! No, life’s not about winning. Life’s about living it and dying knowing you’ve done everything possible to keep your soul pure and to help others.

But still, the same old question troubles my mind: WHY? WHY don’t we give thanks to God for what we have, instead of blaming Him for what we don’t have? WHY aren’t we satisfied with the way we look, with our family, with our friends? WHY do we always think that others don’t suffer as much as we do, that others have more things than we have, that others get what’s best from this life?

The fact is that they’re not better, nor worse than us. They don’t have anything more, or less than us. We’re all the same in God’s eyes. We all have the right to live and we all have to die someday. We’re just the same as everyone else: clay figures with soul.

We would be much happier if we just lived our lives for the present day leaving the past behind and picturing only a happy future.

Think pink and praise the Lord for what He as given you!

Posted by ionuca in 18:29:38 | Permalink | Comments (2)

Wednesday, December 7, 2005

An ending is in fact a new beginning

I broke up with Radu yesterday. This time is for good. No, I’m not kidding! It actually is for good! I know he suffers, but I can’t help it. It’s better that it happened now and not before our exams. It’s the best thing for me (God, how I missed ‘being free’) and for him (cause I really didn’t love him anymore).

It was kind of matter-of-fact that we were together. I’m sorry to say this, but this is the truth. He was kind, good, he did so many things for me, he put up with all my whims, but it has come to a point when I didn’t feel anything special towards him. I really hope we will still be good friends (as we used to be before being together). And I don’t see anything stopping that from happening.

Well, that’s about all for today. I’ve got LOTS to study! I’m really looking forward to the Christmas holiday. God, I’m tired!

Posted by ionuca in 11:50:50 | Permalink | Comments (8)

Saturday, December 3, 2005

Questions

1. What was the hardest subject in high school for you? It used to be Maths, but now it’s Latin

2. Have you ever tried sushi and do you like it? Nope, never have and I think I’ll never will

3. Did you ever break a bone? I think I’m very lucky concerning broken bones: not a single one yet.

4. Which show is funnier-That 70s Show or Friends? I have no idea

5. Did you ever get a makeover? I hate everything related to makeup, so no

6. How much did your last haircut cost? It was free, cause I cut it myself with my mum’s help; haircuts are just a mean of spending money

7. Said “I hope you die” to someone: To my mum once… I’ve always regretted that

8. Tried to kill yourself: I really wanted to die, but never had the guts to actually do it or even try doing it

9. Gotten in a fist fight: Only twice and with boys; I hate people who lack manners

10. Lied to your parents: Who hasn’t?

11. Lied to your friends: Well, they mustn’t always know the trust, must they?

12. Bit someone: Several times. People tell me that biting is my special defence technique

13. Drank alcohol?: :)) What kind of question is this? Like duhhhh!

14. Gotten high: Never have and never will

15. Given someone a bruise: Duuuuh! Lots of them

16. Freak danced: You mean like Elaine from Seinfeld? :)))) Never
17. Cut yourself: No actually cut

18. Skipped school: Not actually. Only few times

19. Hung up on someone: On my mum. Several times!

20. Gone commando: ?

21. Thrown up at school: Nope. I was never that sick

22. Do you stuff your bra? I don’t wear a bra

23. Have you ever stuffed your bra? If I don’t wear bras how could I have stuffed them?

24. What make-up do you wear daily? What’s make-up??

25. What are your underwear like right now? Black with a drawing of Minnie

26. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Till this year I used to have only 2 pairs of shoes: snickers and boots. But now I have my old Adidas shoes, my new Adidas shoes, a pair of green Converse, a pair of Victory shoes and my boots

27. Come on, tell the truth. Is that really your true hair color? Yep I’m a brunette alright,but in the summer time I dye parts of my hair and make it blue.

28. What do you most like about your body? Everything. I have always been pleased with my body. But let’s say that my eyes are my fav part of my body

29. And least? My feet… I wish they were just a bit smaller

30. How many fillings do you have? Lots

31. Do you think you’re good looking? Depends on the mood I’m in

32. Do other people often tell you that you’re good-looking? There are people who like me and people who don’t. All in all, I have no idea.

33. Do you look like any celebrities? I’m glad I don’t.

34. Do you like a man with muscles or not? Grosse! No muscles!!! No way! Nope! I actually like plump boys.

35. Tall or short men? Definitely taller men than me.

36. Does your dream guy have long or short hair? Long hair comes first.

37. What’s about hair color? Irrelevant

38. How long is your leg hair? :)) Have you ever heard of shaving it?

39. Ever had sex with someone of the same sex? YEAK! NOPE

40. With who? :))))))

41. Are your eyebrows a different color from your hair? No, they’re black too

42. Do you pluck your eyebrows? Not regularly

43.. Do you have a hickey on your neck right now? Nope

44. Are you on medications, what kinds? :)) Nope

45. Can you dance? I’m good on disco, pop, rock music, but when it comes to waltz and friends, I suck big time

46. Can you lick your nipple? =)) Don’t think so

47. Do you struggle with self-esteem? Most of the time

48. Do you or have you ever had an eating disorder? Nope. I eat a lot of junk food and sweets and don’t get fat!

49. If you unexpectedly got pregnant, what would you do? I think I would probably have an abortion

50. Future daughters/sons names? Iris for girl; Luca and Alexander for boys

51. Do your underwear and bras usually match? I don’t wear a bra

52. Any good memories from this year? The 3 days I’ve spent with some friends at Rosia Montana in the Apuseni Mountains

53. Any bad memories from this year? Lots, but they are long forgotten, or at least that what I keep telling myself

54. Do you regret anything from this year? I have no idea

55. Do you regret anything you’ve ever done? Lots and lots of things

56. Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend? Mircea

57. Did you ever have braces? Nope

58. What is your best childhood memory? I can’t pick only one.

59. Do you have the same friends you did when you were seven and under? Few and they don’t qualify as friends.

60. What color hair did you have as a kid? Always black

61. What does your name mean? I don’t know, but it’s the feminine from the name of John the Baptiser

63. Current Music: Depeche Mode - Freelove

64. Current CD in player: I listen only to mp3, which are on my computer

65. Current conversations: With several friends on YM

66. Current time: 22:47

67. Current clothes: Jeans and a red T-shirt

68. Current hair: Messy and uncombed for moths; the usual

69. Current taste: Chocolate

70. Current mood: My eyes hurt and I’m a little confused

71. Current smell: My natural body smell

72. Current thing you should be doing: Reading

73. Current desktop picture: Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire

74. Current favourite group: uRMa

75. Current book: The New Testament

76. Current refreshment: None

77. Current worry: My exams

Posted by ionuca in 21:00:32 | Permalink | Comments (10)

Friday, December 2, 2005

Freelove

Same old story is repeating itself over and over again. When will I get used to the idea that there are certain moments that come up only once in one’s lifetime and if you were so stupid to take you chance it’s all lost?

I seem to have a problem with those kinds of moments. I always realise their importance after they’re gone. And because it’s in my nature to hold on to the past, I sometimes let memories overwhelm me. And I start to think that things could have been much better if only I hadn’t been that blind.

My whole life is made up of lost moments. I’ve never cherished what I have. I’ve always longed for the thing I don’t have. I don’t if I’m really grateful for all that I have. The sentence which characterizes me most is: “Why didn’t I do that???”

Yeah, I’m depressed. It’s not that I can easily get from one mood to another, but when it comes to the past… well, I just can’t control my emotions. And the only person in this world responsible for the tears that I shad, is ME. I’m such a stupid little child. No really knowing what I want, getting something that I really want and then getting bored of it, crying my eyes out over books and films with sad ending, daydreaming of an utopia world, wishing I was better. It’s true; I’m constantly changing. And I like only the person I’m now, and I hate the person I was 1 minute ago.

Song of the moment: Depeche Mode – Freelove (it resumes all my thoughts and wishes)

If you’ve been hiding from love
If you’ve been hiding from love
I can understand where you’re coming from
I can understand where you’re coming from

If you’ve suffered enough
If you’ve suffered enough
I can understand what you’re thinking of
I can see the pain that you’re frightened of

And I’m only here
To bring you free love
Let’s make it clear
That this is free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love
No hidden catch
No strings attached
Just free love

I’ve been running like you
I’ve been running like you
Now you understand why I’m running scared
Now you understand why I’m running scared

I’ve been searching for truth
I’ve been searching for truth
And I haven’t been getting anywhere
No I haven’t been getting anywhere